ADHD 9yo Dd - wits end.

[Dunnoburt]

Rant incoming. Please be kind, i have nobody to vent to and I don't ever open up about this because nobody really believes me. My 9 year old daughter has ADHD - diagnosed in September 2024 - currently unmedicated but just this last week I've admitted defeat and am waiting on paediatrician calling to discuss. It's so frustrating because she is EXACTLY a mini me at that age (the issue is exacerbated because I'm certain following her diagnosis that I'm undiagnosed ADHD and having a bit of a mid life early menopausal crisis - my parents dont, and still dont, believe in it so I cant even vent to them). To put it short, her behaviour is just intolerable, every day there is something, be it soap in the fish tank, water in the kinetic sand that apparently "just" appeared smudged into the bedspread, vimto in slime, mess, constantly mess, hiding things that she knows she shouldn't do (eg. Standing on something to reach my expensive perfume, spraying it everywhere then flat out denying it), my list could go on and on and on and on. Lack of respect for anything she owns, hitting me, smashing the house up, literally just doesn't give a flying fuck about ANYTHING. She's struggling academically as she has zero focus or concentration. (SEN engaged, but like everything takes time). She's a masker and so when away from her safe people just seems like a little bit of a "naughty kid" when at school, or on a very rare play date (this week I've said enough is enough for play dates at our house as I cannot cope with the mess and naughtiness - She's 9 years old Ffs), I had to initiate the initial assessment when she was 6 because, to be quite frank, the school was shit and refused to believe that she would kick my car to bits at the end of the school day because she was so absolutely pent up with appearing socially acceptable. Good god I'm sorry, I've just read all this back and it's just gobbledegook but my god it's felt good to get it off my chest. I guess I just want to know if anyone else is at their wits end with 9yo ADHD parenting and if medication made any difference?. I swear I am raising Bart Simpson. I love this girl so fucking much it hurts me to even admit all the above, I've literally had enough. Enough of the mess. Enough of the violence. Enough of the backchat. Enough of the naughtiness (that's the one I really struggle with), if you are still reading this then well done - sorry for the vent xx

@Dunnoburt At the top of the page under Talk, choose All Talk Topics.

Scroll down until you reach Special Needs. Have a look through SN Chat, ND Parents and SN Children.

You will receive more nuanced and qualified answers than the above.

The medication will help, as a parent that waited and waited and put it off- I wish we had started sooner. It has been life changing with no side effects. The difference in my child has been unbelievable, the meltdowns are very few and far between, the behaviour has improved. You are doing a good job, it’s so hard but things get better X

You are totally wrong. What an absolutely vile thing to say to someone clearly struggling. Does your child have SEN? If not leave the conversation with your perfect child and parenting.

Sorry about the first super unhelpful reply… but can imagine you must feel warn out and drained. My DD doesn’t have ADHD but she’s on the ND pathway and her behaviour can often leave me at my absolute wits end as she masks in school and then is like a rage volcano when she comes home so I’m sorry I have no practical advice other than your not alone in the chaos! Do you get any family support? Any time for yourself? I’m sure you’re doing amazing and it’s 100% normal to have a rant! X

What consequences do you give for her behaviour because adhd or not she still needs to learn this isn't acceptable behaviour

It is absolutely, totally is caused by ADHD. I've worked with many, many children with ADHD and it is all very common behaviour of unmedicated ADHD. Impulsive, reckless behaviour with no thought of consequences is absolutely textbook.

Whether it is caused by adhd or not, it is unacceptable behaviour. Medication might help but discipline needs to take place too.

How do you discipline her?

So sorry that you’re struggling @Dunnoburt Raising ND DC is hard and I’m not sure why you’re getting flack in this thread.

I agree with posting in the SN Children Section, maybe asking @MNHQto move this for you

Also, in our area triation can be a long wait, what regulation techniques are you doing with her?

Have you introduced her to meditation yet? There will be some videos aimed at DC on YouTube.

How much daylight and exercise is she having? Could you both for instance, start the C25K together?

Don’t forget too that she’s unlikely to have the maturity of other 9 year old girls and is probably operating at around 6 or 7 years so may need more supervision and guidance than you think she does.

Does she have an ECHP and have you applied for DLA yet?

How does she do on this simple progress checker?

And has she been seen by an Occupational Therapist yet too?

access to medication and titration can take a long time in my area also, as noted by a PP

so , it’s really difficult because parenting ND children can be exhausting. I’m ND and sure that DD is but not pursuing anything yet, as it’s manageable and not yet started school.

I have worked with a lot of families with ND children, and in special schools. Whilst the behaviours I’ve seen run across the full range of types of house/parenting/resources available, it has definitely become clear that parenting (clearly/and obviously) has a massive impact. The families where parents have been emotionally robust, well informed, and willing to adapt strategies but also provide firm boundaries and consequences have often led to children who eventually seem to come out the other end with a good understanding of themselves and their responsibilities/impact on the world.

However I won’t deny that every so often there are children where no amount of great parenting, resource or support seems to make a difference.

so anyway that was a rambling post, what I’ve seen as most effective are:
-Diet
-Exercise
-Time in nature
-Emotional regulation being taught rinse and repeat each days
-Parents who are able to regulate themselves (so hard when your buttons are being pushed non stop)
-Family support
-External agencies coming in to trouble shoot as sometimes an outside perspective can help a lot
-Adaptability
-Clear, firm but empathic boundaries
-Reinforcing capabilities and self esteem as ND children often end up in my service and a huge amount of them struggle with co morbidities such as anxiety, self esteem issues, eating difficulties, depression etc

Yoga breathing and meditation also to build interoception skills which ND children can struggle with

First off ignore @Smurphy99shitty post. It’s BS.

Impulsive behaviour is very much a common ADHD trait. Your DD sounds very similar to mine, she’s 10 and had her diagnosis last year.

Meds have really helped us. The impulsive behaviour has really reduced and she is much calmer and able to think things through before doing them. It’s also helped her attend school.

It is incredibly difficult parenting a child with ADHD, don’t care what anyone says!

Please post on the SEN board, you will get ignorant posters just saying your kids naughty and ADHD is over diagnosed/doesn’t exist/excuse for poor parenting. 🙄

My kid is ADHD among other things and we haven't got medication right yet, but we are exploring - we need to use all the tools in the tool box. What I do want to share though is what you said about you being undiagnosed early menopause. You may know this but decreasing oestrogen can be like a bomb going off in the brain of a woman with ADHD - what you could cope with you no longer can. So make sure to look after yourself as well as your daughter and HRT may help you cope with all that's going on.

The first reply on this thread is the first time I've ever wanted to swear at another poster. Please ignore their ignorance.

Poor impulse control is one of the issues with ADHD. Does she tell you she doesn't know why she does things (I know my DD does and I know I did!)

Good luck with getting more help. As this thread has demonstrated, many people don't understand ADHD.

Wow, I've only just logged back in to see any comments, I must admit I want to know what Smurphy put....was it really that bad?. Thank you to all of you who understand and as for mumsnet moving this to the SEN board I guess I would appreciate it but it's also nice for people who don't actually understand to put their 2 penneth in (I never actually believed in ADHD until a few years ago - and now I actually want a diagnosis for myself, it would explain literally my life since I was old enough to remember - like I said, I have no support as nobody believes in "mental health" in my family) As for Vimto, I'm not talking about the carbonated full sugar variety, I'm talking about the reduced sugar squash variety- she is not allowed carbonated drinks as normal. She is constantly exercising, martial arts 2 times a week and swimming every Saturday (and more if time permits), any opportunity to run anything off is something I always do! (Park after school, biking around the block) She loves all fruit and veg and has a very healthy diet. We have a plastic tick off routine board that we do each day to establish routine (literally as simple as take bed clothes off, new knickers, put socks on etc.etc). Discipline is normally no playing out after school. Today has been a good day, I've not felt so stressed out. I applied for EHCP myself but it was refused because she doesn't exhibit disruptive behaviours at school and they didn't support me - doesn't matter that she can't spell, do simple maths etc. Because she simply cannot concentrate. I can't wait for the paediatrician to contact us looking at the couple of posters who have said its been a life changer xx I don't want her to be Prime Minister for gods sake but I do want her to be able to stand on her own two feet and lead her best life. Thank you to all who have responded, the good and the bad, it's all food for thought x

Please put in the EHCP again- they deliberately reject them but most are won on appeal Xx

Smurphy displayed a lock of understanding of ADHD and a lack of empathy for you which is probably why it got deleted. I wouldn’t worry about it but I would try and post in the SN boards from now as you’ll get MNers with experience replying.

Do ask in there about getting an ECHP, like the PP said rejecting them initially is pretty routine.

Have a look on Amazon for books about parenting a neurodivergent child.

The trouble with medication (DD2 has inattentive ADHD and started meds this academic year) is that it's very much geared up to being active during school hours - so school get the benefit of a really focused DD2 (and she's a real rule-follower good girl anyway so becomes a dream pupil) and we still get our scatterbrain with no impulse control! (She's an absolute sweetie and gives epic hugs though).

Get her on medication asap

Oh my god I've just come across this whilst searching and I genuinely could have written it, 9 year told daughter, school being shit and refusing to refer, everyone telling me I'm exaggerating and not believing me. She absolutely feral and I'm at my wits end.
What's the update? Has anything changed?
I've just posted about the same thing but you've worded it so much better than me because I'm a ball of stress and can't think straight!!