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How do you cope with an increasingly grumpy partner?

5 replies

M1ssLemon · 14/06/2025 23:44

Have been with DH since mid-twenties and he is now in his early 50s. He was never the most joyful, positive person but over the last few years it has become ridiculous. He is so grumpy about the idea of doing anything new, barely speaks when we're alone together and worst of all is really grumpy with our DC (aged between 11 - 13) the majority of the time. If they do even the smallest thing eg. knock over a glass of water he reacts with such stroppiness - it's not so much what he says but his tone of voice is so rude and dismissive. I get that it's annoying but there's no humour or anything there, it's like they've done something terrible. I see one of my children beginning to react to him with anger as well, and whilst I try to stop my child from being rude sometimes I don't blame them when he talks to them in such a grumpy way all the time.

I think about leaving him but it won't be financially possible for at least a couple of years, and apart from the grumpiness he is a present dad and I know he cares about us all deeply - but how do I continue to live like this? I feel like I can't be myself a lot of the time but have to be this super positive person to get him a bit motivated, or have to be constantly saying stuff like, 'cheer up!' or getting frustrated with how he is with the kids.... It's really tiring! I've tried talking to him but he just says he'll improve and then doesn't. If your partner is like this how do you cope? Do you just ignore it? What do you do when they're like it with the DC too?

OP posts:
MiloMinderbinder925 · 15/06/2025 00:34

You need to talk to him and lay it on the line. Explain that you're going off him and his behaviour is effecting the children. Ask if there's anything wrong and say you'll support him as he investigates the root of his bad moods.

It could be a mid life crisis, stress, depression, work or something medical he's concerned about. I would also bring up the idea of couple's counselling.

If he's unwilling to meet you even half way I would disengage from him and work towards separation.

BrickHare · 15/06/2025 00:37

Well you’ve spoken to him and he hasn’t changed so get your things ready to leave. I couldn’t be with someone who was a miserable twat. Honestly, what’s the point?

M1ssLemon · 15/06/2025 07:44

Thanks @BrickHare and @MiloMinderbinder925 I think I have felt so beaten down by it over the years - I was a SAHM for many years due to the additional needs of one of my DC and have only just returned to full time work - that I have just accepted it and tried to work around it a lot. Also he gets really defensive when I try to talk to him about it (lots of 'well, I don't MEAN to be like that') that I haven't talked about it for a while. So I'll try once more and see where we are - but life definitely feels too short to be with someone so miserable!

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rickyrickygrimes · 15/06/2025 08:15

Idk 🤷‍♀️ DH has many reasons for being grumpy, but partly it’s just him. His parents were pretty negative too.

we’ve been married 20+ years. We’ve had some big rows in the past about it. when it comes to talking negatively to the children, I pull him up on it privately. The thing is, he once pulled his own dad up on it when our oldest was a baby (grandad was calling him stupid and a ‘twit’ because that’s how he was bright up 🙄). So I remind him of this. I also point out that he is responsible for his relationship with his children, and I am responsible for my relationship with them, so he has to think about how he comes across because that’s his job. Plus, he’s the bloody adult - if anyone should be holding it together and modelling mature behaviour, it’s him!

From my side I try not to undermine him in front of the children, and push for us to have a joint approach to discipline and behaviour.

It’s unfortunate that you’ve let it go for so many years, it makes it harder to change things now. The thing I have always pushed for is for DH and I to keep talking. You say you’ve talked to him - have you also listened? Where does it come from? Why does he think this is an acceptable way to interact with the people he loves? Is he happy?

A lot of DHs grumpiness comes from low self-esteem - his parents ditto. He gets defensive when he feels he’s not being taken seriously or being ridiculed, which does happen as we have two teenage boys now who are fast, funny and at least a foot taller than him. He gets into arguments that escalate quickly and pointlessly - things that I would approach completely differently. Like you I was a SAHM for a long time, I know my kids inside out and usually (not always) I know how to discipline them without it being a fight and without feeling the need to win.

in the end though, you have to decide if you want to battle through this. My DH has finally been signed off work with burnout and is seeing a psychologist, which is really new for him. His low self esteem might never leave him, but he’s much better at recognising when it’s pushing his behaviour into a negative place.

rickyrickygrimes · 15/06/2025 08:21

PS please stop with the super positivity. Your kids aren’t stupid, they can see what’s going on. And don’t tell your DH to ‘cheer up!’ - that’s annoying, even to people who aren’t grumpy.

as long as you are together, you and your DH relationship is the bedrock on which the family is built. How are you together? Can you talk openly? Do you care enough to try and find out why he’s so miserable?

Cutting your losses is also an option, you’re right that life is short.

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