When is a good time to visit a new mum & baby?

[BilberryPancakes]

I’m currently pregnant with my first, due mid July. My mum is full time carer to my dad who has dementia. She wants to visit once the baby is born and is looking into getting some residential respite care for dad so she can come and stay a few days. They live about 5hrs away, so I want to make sure we make the most of this trip as I may not see her again til I’m able to travel independently with the little one.
DH gets 2 weeks paternity leave plus has arranged another 2 weeks WFH, so he’ll be going back to work full time about a month after the birth.
Mum has said she’s ok to come and help out whenever suits us. But I also want her to have as good a time as possible given she’s a full time carer all the rest of the time, and hopefully she can actually enjoy being with the baby and not just find it draining. I’ve been lurking on MN for a while and it sounds like the first few weeks (6-8 ish at least?) may well be pretty rough.
So… When would you suggest is a good time for mum to visit? Should I just make the most of the generous offer of help and ask her to come once DH is back at work, or would it be better if she came after a couple of months or even later? Or should I wait til the little one arrives and see how I’m coping then?
thanks for any advice and suggestions!

For me, the first 3 weeks was the hardest. I cried everytime my mum went home for the night! After that you get to grasps with things and it gets a little easier. First 3 weeks I had mum, sister and husband all helping me!!

Depends how soon you want the visit? Ideally I'd wait until after your husband goes back to work because you'll have some support and will have settled into motherhood a bit more. It also means you'll be ready to be out and about more!

It depends what you want mum to do I suppose, I know you say you want to get out and do stuff, for me that was 6 weeks but I had a c section. My mum was round alot from day 1 and it helped so much, going out anywhere for the day was really the last thing on my mind. It's hard to say how you'll feel to be honest, but if you have your partner there for the 2 weeks and you feel ok, I would say wait a few more weeks. Are you able to wait and see how you feel or is it something you need to plan now? X

I’d just wait and see how you get on. If you need help it seems a waste to have both your mum and husband there at the same time. You may also have a sleepy baby and not need any help but just want people around you for company. If your mum can be flexible I’d just wait and see.

i also agree with PP, going out may be the last thing on your mind. I had an infected c-section and didn’t get out and about for 10 weeks.

I went to stay after my sil went back to work after two weeks. I wanted to stay in a B&B but they insisted I stay at their house. I mostly did housework and lunches and tried to give them space in the evening.

Thanks everyone, that’s really helpful. It’s good to hear how varied the recovery time can be, and you’re right about being flexible. Baby is currently breech so I may end up with a c section although there’s still time I guess.
It’s not necessarily about being out and about, but ideally I’d like it not to be full-on caring for me/us while mum’s here, she deserves a break.
The reason for wanting to plan ahead is just for the respite care. So I chatted with her this morning and she’s going to check with the care homes how much notice they need, or if it’s a case of getting on a standby list and then taking a place when one comes up. We agreed maybe 6 weeks onwards would be good - that also gives me something to look forward to once DH is back at work! She said to let her know if I’m struggling and want her to come sooner. I feel quite un-mumsnet and very lucky to have a supportive and sensible mum and partner in the background!
thanks again everyone xx

I think you’ll find it most useful when your h goes back to work.
Is it a job where you you have to be quiet so that he can do phone calls ? In which case maybe the WFH time will be best - especially if you live in a place where there’s nowhere to walk to really.

I would say 4 weeks when your DH is back at work. That might be the best balance of having your mum for support and also feeling like you can start going out and about a bit more with the baby. Also if you do have a c section you might still need a bit of help with some things around the house and won’t be allowed to drive still so assuming your mum drives she will be able to take you out.

I would have her come after your Dh is back in the office. You don’t know what the first days and weeks will be like. My dd had to go into hospital when she was about 4 days old for a week. If we’d had someone staying with us, they would have just been home alone because we were both in hospital and Dh stayed over several nights as well.

You really do need to find your feet. I actually don’t even know if your Dh wfh is a good idea. You need someone who is properly there or you just need to get on with it. I think having dh around at 2 weeks but not really able to help because of work would have caused a lot more stress. I think it will be even more difficult with an extra person in the mix, unless Dh and your mum are really close.

I would have your 4 weeks together. Figure the new normal out and then when your Dh is back to work, your mum is there. You’ll be properly getting out of the house by then. You’ll might be starting a baby class. She can come with you. She’ll be an extra pair of hands so you can poo and nap.

To b honest, I would be very sad if my dd said I had to wait 6 weeks to meet my grandchild…

Personally I would wait until your husband's leave has finished and then have your mum immediately after. She will keen to see the baby and by then you will be more confident anyway and might not need any help from your mum. Even if you do I'm sure it will be a boost for her to be with you and her grandchild.
All babies are doing different and they go through so many staged it's impossible to say whether it will be hard work for your mum or not whatever time she visits

Thanks so much for taking time to respond, I really appreciate it. There’s so much to think about!
It’s definitely not about telling mum she has to wait to meet the baby - both DH and I have told her she’s welcome any time. I originally thought she wouldn’t be able to meet the baby til I could travel over to her, so getting here at all will be massive.
Thanks for all your support and information.