Should my daughter attend funeral?

[Jcem13]

We recently lost a baby at 18 weeks pregnant.

Our daughter who is 7 years old was fully aware that mummy had a baby in her tummy and that she was going to be a big sister.

She also knows that the baby came too early and has unfortunately died.

The funeral is due to take place next week. I never even considered my daughter would attend as I thought she would be too young. However, I have been told that we should give her the option to attend considering how involved she was during the pregnancy.

I'm wondering if I am being over protective by not even considering she should go. Should we explain to her what a funeral is and give her the option to attend? I'm worried how upset it may make her, but also that I will be grieving myself which she will obviously witness. She has already seen how sad and upset I have been the last few weeks, but I'm worried a funeral will just be too much for her and for me?

I just don't know what to do, your advice/views would be much appreciated. Thank you in advance

I think it's a two pronged thing.

Should your 7yo attend something to say goodbye to their sibling and if so should that be the funeral?

Something to give her the closure that a funeral offers may be a good thing.

The funeral would depend on how openly upset people are likely to be. It's healthy for children to see the full range of emotions in life, but it can be frightening.

We didn't take our 10yo to a funeral recently because I knew there would be a lot of loud crying because of the level of devastation in the family (very sudden and horrible death). But we did take her somewhere, just a few of us, to lay a flower and say goodbyes.

There's no right or wrong answer, you have to do what's right for you and your family. My two little ones came to DH's funeral as did several other children, none of them have suffered any lasting effects as a result of being there and I think it did help them to understand what had happened. I am so sorry for your loss

I was faced with a similar issue when my ds was 3.

Only you can judge if your dd is old enough to make that decision. You need to be sure she's not pushing herself to support you or to 'be good', if she won't cope.

My ds was not. He wanted reassurance but he definitely didn't need or want to be there so we arrange a regular day out with his normal childminder instead.

When my DD died, my eldest was 5.5 yrs old. He came to the funeral as did a number of other children, ranging in age from 3 weeks upto 14 years. It never even occurred to me not to include him. I felt it important that he was able to say goodbye with everyone else . At the wake, his whole class turned up, which was lovely. It turned an incredibly sad day into something more bearable watching 30/40 children run around playing. One thing we did do was choose the first hymn with him in mind, so asked the school for the most popular and easily recogniseable song, which was, One More Step Along The World We Go. It fitted in beautifully. I am very very sorry for your loss. Xx

Who else is going? If it’s a small family affair then yes, it fits bigger then possibly not. I’m really sorry for your loss OP.

I think that if she is ok with the explanation that you have given, then the funeral is for you and your husband to grieve the loss, funerals bring a lot of emotion and in a little mind that could spark lots and f feelings/worries that probably are a little bit too raw for you right now.

Id arrange for her to have a nice day and you and your husband attend the funeral and then return home and fill the hole in your heart with lots of time with your daughter, you could visit the grave or whatever you’ve chosen to remember your baby by with her later.

sending you strength and love x

I personally wouldn’t. I lost a baby quite late on and a lot of the time I couldn’t grieve properly because I was making sure the kids were ok or making sure the kids thought I was ok. Even in the hospital I felt I left my baby far sooner than I wanted to because I needed to get home so the kids weren’t worried. I really treasure the memory of the funeral as one of the times I truly grieved for him without having to also think about somebody else.

Also I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s a very hard thing to deal with having all that love waiting for a little soul and then never getting to know them.

Thank you so much for all of your lovely replies. It's really given me alot to think about and some more clarity in what it is I feel most comfortable doing. I really appreciate all of your replies ❤️

I’d maybe gauge if she would like to go or not. I was aged 10 when my Grandmother died. I was very close to her and spent more time with her than anyone else. My Mum wouldn’t let me go to the funeral and I was devastated. It still really bothers me all these later that my older brothers were allowed to go and say goodbye but I never got the closure that a funeral brings. If I’m honest I still feel quite bitter about it, Death is a part of life.

She needs a time when she can say goodbye to the baby and you need a time when you can “grieve without courage”. I don’t think that these two things can be together so I guess I would start with whether you want the funeral to be your time to really grieve (and scream and cry and shout if you need to) or whether you would prefer that to be a private time.

I have a 7 year old and I would want him there, unless he chose not to. Death and grieving is a normal part of life. My eldest dc went to a funeral at 2, and while we haven’t had another since, I wouldn’t have not had them attend unless it was logistically impossible (like a distant relative across the country and we couldn’t take them out of school).

Children are so much more resilient and open to these things than we give them credit for. I have cancer currently and I’ve had lots of surgeries this year and been unwell and in hospital and have had to discuss, at least with my older one (not my 7 year old), the possibility that I might not live a long life. They’ve handled it all so much better than I have. 😂

My feeling is that really awful, unfair, unlucky things happen in life. We don’t get a choice whether we have to go through some really shitty stuff. We can’t change that, but we can show our children how we get to the other side and start to heal. It’s okay for them to see us sad and broken. Because one day, we won’t be, and then they’ll know that it’s possible to get through those things because they saw us do it.

There is no right or wrong answer, but it’s okay that she’s there, if she wants to be a d you would find comfort in her being there.