I (31F) was in an on-and-off long-distance relationship with a man (31M) for nearly 9 years. From the beginning, I struggled with anxiety and fear of commitment. I pushed him away, lied about my studies and career, and often suggested breakups when I was overwhelmed. Then I’d regret it, reach out, and ask him to come back — and he usually did.
During the breaks, he dated other people. One of them is someone he used to call a rebound — someone he once told me he’d never marry. Now, he’s engaged to her. I later found out they’d been in contact the whole time, even when he and I were reconnecting. That felt like a betrayal, even though I know I wasn't innocent either.
At one point, I started talking to someone new while still emotionally attached to my ex. I didn’t tell either of them the full truth because I was terrified of being alone and ashamed of my financial situation. I kept dragging things on. I even started seeing someone else in person — someone who offered to help pay for groceries and tuition. I accepted out of desperation, but that relationship turned toxic. He constantly reminded me of the financial help he gave, used it as emotional leverage, and made me feel like I owed him something. He would say things like, “Who else would want someone your age?”
I couldn’t go to my parents for help because I had kept everything a secret. I was emotionally shut down, stuck in survival mode, and lost track of who I was. My ex, despite everything, was the only person who ever genuinely cared about me and my family. The others didn’t ask about my life or my future.
Eventually, my ex said he felt like I was using him and pulled away for good. I recently paid him back the tuition money he loaned me and have started therapy, but I feel like I’ve ruined everything. I feel so ashamed of the person I became — secretive, avoidant, dishonest. I never meant to manipulate anyone. I just didn’t know how to ask for help without fear.
How do you begin to forgive yourself when you’ve hurt the person you loved most? And does it ever stop feeling like you’ve permanently ruined your chance at real love?
TL;DR: 31F in a long on-and-off LDR with 31M. I pushed him away due to anxiety, lied about my life, and kept dragging him and others into emotional confusion because I was scared to be alone. He’s now marrying someone he once called a rebound. I feel like I lost the one person who truly loved me and don’t know how to forgive myself or move on