DH and not thinking ahead.

[FamilyPhoto]

Anyone else got one ?
Mine is brilliant, ran his own business ect. Since retiring Ive noticed that he just bumbles about.
Example - I still work so he insists on getting up with me then will go into the only bathroom as Im trying to get ready, or offer to make the tea then get distracted then wonder why Im making it ( because I have to leave at a certain time! ) .
Or tell the dog he is going for a walk but then take ages to get his shoes, lead, poo bag ect - like 15 mins - by which time the dog is getting frantic.
He takes my work equipment that should stay in the car out of the car.
I could go on .........

Sounds like early onset dementia..

Is he is his 60s? I've noticed men go a bit funny at this age, like an andropause. I've seen it so many times. It makes me reluctant to date anyone my own age. My nursing colleagues and I named it male 60's syndrome.

I get it OP, this is us:

Me: What time shall we leave?
DH: 10am
Me: Great
both get ready. DH is ready before me so goes downstairs
Me at 10am: Ok let’s go
DH: Oh I just need to do xyz or get xyz

and then spends ages faffing with bag, shoes etc. Doesn’t know where the car keys are. Have you seen his wallet? End up leaving 15 minutes or more later, then moans we are late.

Me: Why didn’t you do all that while I was getting ready
DH: I didn’t know when you’d be down
Me: ???

Or another one is just as he is about to leave the house (often for his train to work) he will say ‘just going to buzz the vacuum around’ or some other task that could be done at any other time. Gives me second hand anxiety! 😆

edited as seen other comments. DH is late 30s, so no dementia, he just has no sense of time!

What sort of conversations do you have about these behaviours? I think it is natural to do things more slowly when you don't have to rush about.

Also does he have activities and interests that mean he has to go out during the day?

I work in that field, it really doesn't.

Mumsnet is as quick to diagnose dementia in anyone 60+ as it is to diagnose autism in people of any age.

Dh never seems to leave travel time.

Me: Can you pick DD up at 7.30 (10 minutes away assuming parking is easy which it won't be if you're late)
At 7.22:
Me: You need to leave, or you'll be late
Him: I'm just leaving, why are you fussing
He leaves at 7.29 grumbling he will be so early.
When they come home DD complains he wasn't there until 7.50 because, predictably, he couldn't park.

I used to tell him things started/ finished 10 minutes earlier.

Things after work, I more than once met him cycling back, still 5-10 minutes cycle away when I'd given up and was driving down late for pick up.
He'd say "but I was coming home. I'd have done it..."

I have a sneaking suspicion that his PA did a lot of the organising for him in his business.

I have had a conversation with him , in fact quite a snippy one this morning. He has apologised fully . But I knowbin a week or 2 it'll happen again. His solution is to look into building an ensuite. Which he will be ace at project managing.

My ex, despite it being 'his job' had to be reminded to put the children to bed every night (when he was here) for 10 years (when we split)

I'd already got them in a routine when he was away for work, they were easy to put to bed, you just needed to get up and say that it was time to brush teeth and they basically sorted themselves - but nope. Every evening, I had to remind him it was time to take them to bed.

He also did the 10 minutes before we have to be somewhere, deciding that that was the time to have a shower and shave, and sleeping in until just before I had to leave with the kids to take them to school and just getting in the way while I did that.

Oh, and once when he was out of work and I was in work, he spent half his time trying to encourage me to stop working and hang out with him.

He was just very selfish, thought the world revolved around him, and if it wasn't for him, then it can't have been very important.

It’s really not.

Thats the thing, he was not like this until he retired. Its like he doesn't see time anymore - like there is no urgency. Its hard to explain.

Yes, exactly.

How's your patio looking?

More like mild depression maybe. Response to loss of agency, status, being part of social network.

Professional faffers. It drives me mad.

You just described my DH, OP, except he's not retired. Runs a successful business, but somehow has no sense of time. I compensate/work round it in the morning by looking at his diary and making sure I have used the bathroom before he will need it in the morning, because he sure as hell won't think about the fact that I need to get out on time too. If we go out anywhere, I just get myself ready and go and sit in the car while he faffs. I do feel sorry for the poor dog when he starts getting ready for a walk and faffs about for ages - I'm sure it's not good for his cortisol levels! Anyway, I'm 99% sure my DH is neurodiverse, probably AuDHD and I attribute some of the behaviour to that. Could that be a factor for your DH?

I usually gently point out that I need to be ready by X time. This morning I wasnt so gentle.
Yes he has an activity but it has no start time.
Appointments- I dont think he has missed one, but he must get to some by the skin of his teeth.
On a positive note he now does 95% of the housework, has his own routine , shops , cooks ect.

I have been wondering about this, Im trying to encourage him to join U3A.

My own DDad was the opposite in his old age, would be an hour early for everything.

I think it's a very hard transition to go from a very full on job to retirement, particularly if a lot of your identity is built on work: and men are much more likely to see work as their main identity than women are. My dad went the other way with timekeeping - he started becoming (too) early for everything, fretting that he wouldn't have time to go the dentist and the supermarket in one day. It was strange and quite worrying to watch because it was such a rapid change. Literally months before he had been running a large section of a global company and suddenly he was getting het up about tiny, routine life things. He had been insanely busy for 40 years and had no idea how to live life at a different pace. For him he ultimately ended up doing some consulting so that it was a much more gradual transition from working full time to working less and less. He is now fully retired but second time round found lots of worthwhile things to do (he's on various charity groups etc) and it all seems much smoother: and much better for mum, who had a more active retirement and busy social life from the off (again, more common for women, who often have stronger social networks outside work than men) so was driven quite mad by him in his 'first' retirement.

For someone with ADHD, time blindness is a thing! The bit between being ready and actually leaving can disappear, despite giving plenty of time. Not got time to go into more detail right now, but worth reading about and seeing if it "fits". Now off to get dressed and try and avoid the time vortex that appears at the bottom of my stairs when I'm busy.

That’s a good point. OP have you considered autism?

All this excusing of incompetent men makes me RAGE! I can guarantee most of them don’t behave like this at work, or at their “hobby”!

And that is why I don’t want to retire as feel I could become like that. The less time I have the quicker I am and the more I can get done.

Most Mumsnetters have not yet retired. Or if they have done, they are relatively likely to have taken some time out along the way to have children/work part-time while children are little. And women are also more likely to have a network of friendships outside the workplace.

I stopped work at the end of August. I am still finding it a change and a challenge. I think OP's idea about the U3A is a good one. If there are some interesting things in the diary on a regular basis, then people are likely tend to recover their energy and ability to organise.