To those who have children with ADHD - does it get better?

[bookworm1982]

What are they like as teens? As adults? My son is six years old. I love him with all of my heart but his ADHD is breaking me.

xxx

Is he on medication?- My daughter has autism and ADHD but no learning disability (academically bright and at a mainstream school) even so the non stop stimming and being on the go disrupped her learning lots and meant she was a million miles an hour at home. We started medication a year ago at 10 and it has been life changing! I have gone from daily phone calls from school about disruption to a handful over the year. I was so worried it would impact her personality but it hasn't really. Calmly went to her secondary school transition day today and was fine- couldn't have imagined this when she was younger Total game changer.

Sorry no parenting experience, my DCs aged 0-7 years are presenting as neurotypical so far however I am an adult with ADHD so thought I’d share anyway.

School and home life was always tough and I was an absolute nightmare as a child but leaving secondary school it was so much better as I didn’t have to mask as much to “fit in” and instead I embraced my “quirks” and people began to love me for who I really was. I finished college with good grades because I found i could hyper focus on studying closer to exams and found people who supported me for who I was even if I was different. I got a place at a top university for a law degree and came out with a first and I’m now a solicitor, married and mummy to three beautiful children.

It is still something I struggle with daily I won’t sugar coat it but the ability to be supported by those around me and have accommodations put into place and being surrounded by people I could be myself around and not have to mask is what helped me the most. I was a nightmare as a child but my parents stuck in there and continued to love and support me regardless and that got me to adulthood.

I second what @mummysmagicmedicine says. I was informally diagnosed when DD was at the age of 13. I’ve been very successful in a couple of careers (less so in a few other tries) and have just found places that suit me.

DD is less hyper than me but more distractible. I won’t pretend school has been easy - especially primary- but she’s now sitting A Levels, has good predicted grades and uni place. And a lovely set of friends who mostly ND themselves. So yes it does get easier.

But medication is key. I still find some evenings hard work when they wear off.

Mine is 19 next week.
he’s a lovely man. He has a lovely girlfriend, he’s taking an A Level exam tomorrow that he will likely fail, but he has a place to study in Sept that will suit him.

He has been working with DH over the weekend on a high stress event, and the clients and production team have all absolutely loved him.

he has a part time job that he started as a pot washer and has rapidly been promoted and given responsibility and respect by much more experienced people.

he has a lovely group of friends that respect him for his quirks. He’s not embarrassed by anything and I think he’s amazing.

honestly, when he was your son’s age he was really hard work. Meltdowns, no friends, unable to finish anything, bullied, really made life difficult for his siblings , never slept, anxiety.

Yes. What helped us was parenting the child we actually had, not the child we'd wished we had had.
This doesn't mean giving up on 'behaviour"..more thinking in advance what is likely to set it off. Structure and connection.
Ds2 works in a customer facing setting, organises himself independently in his social life, is polite, articulate and apart from being very untidy and not yet managed to learn to drive is a charming, knowledgeable personable, reliable 23 year old.

The people I know with it were very hard work as kids, as teens made more bad choices than others might have, but as adults are more successful than anyone else in my year group. They used that energy to be more motivated than others are, aim higher, getting bored easier so wanting to get promoted and move on etc. They are all leading successful lives

@Disturbia81 great insight. I now realise I’m ADHD. Known for unreal energy and multitasking. Some jobs just wouldn’t work. But I’m unreal in a crisis.
My DD is adhd. Hard work at times but generally excels but struggles to confirm. She’s on meds.
a lot of paramedics and A&E doc are adhd. We need high level stimulation. Once you figure that out …

I feel, if I may say this respectfully, you are looking too far ahead and possibly catastrophising (a feature of my son's ADHD if I dare say it...an ability through vast leaps of imagination to start thinking about things light years away, which may or may not happen)

What is bothering you in the here and now, and can anyone offer you help and advice with this, perhaps ?
Sleep?
School?
Friendships?
Tantrums?
Family life and yours and your partner's ability to work whilst supporting your son too?

These are the things that occupied us when our child was six. I didn't work, for example. I tried but it proved disastrous to leave ds in any kind of childcare outside school.

But we adjusted to that financially. My husband also ended up with a more flexible work from home job.

A real handful until he was about 8, gradually got easier, now 16 and such a lovely lad. People have been known to wish their kids were more like him, and ask how we raised such a polite, thoughtful young man.

I have a friend in his twenties with AuDHD, graduated a couple of years ago, doing really well in a well paid job, just charming.

Can only speak from my experience, diagnosed as an adult with ADHD. Pregnant with my first and while I genuinely don’t wish the condition on my child, I’m low key terrified of trying to parent an NT one!

First off, completely understand how rough this must be for you. It must be exhausting and seemingly never-ending. Genuinely, don’t worry, things do get better. Whether you get medication, help them to put adjustments in place at home and at school to maximise success or both - they’ll get used to their condition and learn how to make the most of it with your support. It’s a lifelong learning curve.

I now manage a large team in a high pressure-high risk career, make decent money and have good friends, a mortgage, a good degree I’ve never used, a husband of 14 years that I adore, little one on the way…basically a normal, fulfilling life. I’ve learned to lean into it and if I can do that with zero support for nearly 40 years, your son will be flying with you in his corner.

I mean, not going to sugarcoat it but puberty’s going to be a bitch. Hormones + ADHD = increased chaos. But I went through that with no knowledge of my condition - you’ll be prepped and able to put systems in place now that will mitigate the impact further down the line.

You’ll need lots of patience, plenty of humour and the occasional good cry or scream - but you’ve got this. Keep reaching out for support when you need it - it’s so hard. He’s going to be a nightmare but amazing with it so hang on in there.

my trio are 41,42,43 and not diagnosed until much later in life. looking back it had been mentioned many times but i didn't think their presentation was adhd.
the two who were hyper excelled at competitive sport. both different sports but both with early am 0600 practice times PLUS multiple days after school.
dd was able to hyperfocus on academics and excelled
one ds, struggled with friendships however we lived extremely remotely and his interests were niche for the region. the two sporty ones were very popular.
college/uni
dd graduated with distinction from a top uni, did dabble with drugs and didn't really mature till 25+. non medicated by choice.
one ds did relatively poorly in hs, however knew he had to have gainful employment so hyper focused and is working a well paying trade but took his training part time and worked part time during college. same company for 12 years very popular.
ds eldest did well in hs, but tested poorly due to exam anxiety. again was successful with a computer science degree on a part time schedule 4 year degree over 7 years. works in a managerial role for a school district same employer for 14 years. he is the only one medicated, formally diagnosed and started medication in his final year of uni.
both boys are extremely good with money and have lovely partners and own their own homes
the two sporty ones remain very sporty use exercise to help calm, one used mj for a few years to help calm and one coffee. the coffee caused stomach issues he's the one that switched to actual medication. we are talking daily sweaty intense sport daily if not twice daily (treadmills/bikes/swimming)
home life, almost military strict with rules and routine. school choice extremely liberal (zero consequences for lateness or lost kit) again due to the community size and location tiny and remote but i think it was a lovely way to experience education.

Yes. Have an AuDHD DS. He’s doing amazingly well.

To get there though I had to advocate very strongly throughout his schooling to get the support he needed. Give him (sometimes intensive) support at home. Give him lots of mental health strategies (which I was able to do as I have had lots of CBT etc myself) - ND children/adults are much more likely to have comorbid MH conditions and I didn’t want that for him. So it didn’t happen on its own.

Medication is also extremely effective for ADHD - it’s the most effective MH medication there is statistically - it doesn’t just help hyperactivity, it helps with the executive dysfunction and emotional regulation aspects also. So don’t rule it out.

Watch this if you haven’t already. It’s excellent.

My DS with ADHD used to cut things. I used to go to Woolworths and buy him new bedsheets about once a fortnight. He would dig holes in his bedroom wall too. He drove me bonkers as a DC. He was medicated on Ritalin. He started to improve at about 17 years. As an adult he is very loving towards me. He works full time, which I used to worry about him never being able to focus enough to work. he has a lovely partner, who he treats very well but he can be thoughtless too. He is buying his own home and he has many friends and hobbies. Some hobbies he gets fixated about. He is very impulsive, he is terrible with budgeting money and his mouth is quicker than his brain which means he often makes an offensive remark without thinking about the impact his words might have on others or meaning harm by it. He has come a long way but he is at his happiest outside moving around. As a child I found keeping him busy with sport helped him a lot.

I went on a course about adhd - they said that emergency services have a very high proportion of ND people.

Exactly there’s a need for everyone in this world, I could never cope with anything fast paced. I think in general once someone with adhd has somewhere to channel it effectively then it’s like a super power. But when it’s in a child who doesn’t find school stimulating enough and has the child energy then it’s hard.

Medication and maturity. Those are the things that make the most difference. The maturity one is frustrating as often ADHD means that in some ways they mature more slowly (DS has always been very insightful and mature in other ways but I don' tknow if that's the ADHD or his personality). The maturity allows them to recognise and articulate the challenges and take note of things that specifically help them. DS does a LOT of exercise and has learnt that without it, he finds everything else harder. Similarly, he has started to see his strengths and weaknesses and to accept that yes, he's good in a crisis but no, he's bad at office/classroom based repetitive tasks.

At a young age, I think getting them out and about as much as possible is essential. For DS, this really needed to be in a formally organised sort of way - he's not hyperactive so any suggestion that he come for a walk or whatever was not enthusiastically greeted. But he loved loved loved his sports group and went every week until he aged out and enjoyed swimming lessons etc. Then we had a little gap which was challenging - combination of Covid and age/lack of maturity (exacerbated by the ADHD I know realise) - and then he took up formal sport again from about year 5 or 6. during Covid him and DH used to do circuits in the garden/house which did help a lot. He needed a routine where he KNEW he was doing xx class on yy day at zz time.

Also, and this one is controversial, we had and still have a very different approach to screns to many of his friends. He doesn't have limits. He only has what I think of as guardrails - he's not allowed to be on screens/PS etc if he had a sport activity, family activity, homework etc. LONG before we knew he had ADHD we realised that trying ot do bedtime stories hyped him UP before bed while watching random things on youtube calmed him down. It was weird and counter-intuitive (and we were judged harshly by others).

Sleep is another one. DS was a nightamare sleeper. Just could not/would not go down from when he was a baby. Woke up in the night regularly until he was about 7. It took me YEARS to accept that his sleep needs and pattern need to be different and that getting sleep was the most important. So when he woke up in the night, he'd come up to our bed, DH would go to his, and we'd ALL get sleep. Even after he stopped waking up, he would often land up sleeping with me as he couldn't settle by himself so he'd come and sleep in our room and DH would sleep in his. Once he started sleeping in, I initiated a rule that I would protect one proper lie in a week, no matter what. Of COURSE I'd rather he was goign to bed at a reasonable time and getting up at a reasonable time, but that's not how he (or DH - also ADHD we suspect - for that matter) operate, so forcing it just lead to cumulative sleep deprivation and a corresponding increase in emotional disregulation and poor behaviour, whereas accepting that on Saturday/Sunday he would simply sleep until 11 meant he at least got that one day a week with a very long sleep cycle which he really really needed.

I debated about posting but my son was diagnosed at 9 with ADHD and ODD not hyperactive really just crazily impulsive and very combative. He refused to take medication after the age of 13 and you can’t force it in them, so that had a big impact. His teenage years were an absolute nightmare tbh he made some very bad choices that still impact his life in his mid 20’s despite our best efforts. He manages his symptoms better now but it still badly affects his life, he does have a partner who he lives with and she is lovely but his dad and I are still heavily involved in his life ( driven by my son) way more than would be usual and I worry about him a lot.

Hi everyone. I just wanted to say a big thank you for replying to my post with your helpful and encouraging replies. Some of them made me feel tearful! We are having a good week; I know it won’t last so making the most of it while we can.

To those who chose medication - can you tell me more? I never even considered it as he’s only 6.

Thank you.

I think it's very understandable to be hesitant about medication at this age and I would 100% discuss with medical professionals and be guided by them.

We medicated from 12.

For me, it came down to the fact that DS was not functioning well in mainstream school. He was a smart kid but academically he was hugely far behind. He was getting more and more frustrated himself because he was aware enough of the issues and was frustrated that he'd be in a classroom, trying his best, but would realise he hadn't heard a word the teacher said. Or he'd be playing a match but couldn't "hear" the coach's instruction because it was all too busy and chaotic even though he WANTED to hear them so that he could improve his performance.

Medication was something that HE chose, as much as us and that was important to all of us.

Yes, ds is a lovely 17 yr old. Medication and therapy made a big difference. DH and I understanding how to effectively parent an dc with ADHD also made a difference. Understanding that social and emotional development is up to 30% delayed but does get there helps. In general understanding what was ADHD impacted and what isn’t helps a lot.
https://www.additudemag.com/?srsltid=AfmBOopIVtyvxBgZwS_8f9A1RsSICdVNXu5HPtp7z8SOL16wcGmnwJf7

My son is now 40, it has been a battle to get him help even though I knew from a very young age there was a problem, I had to go private to get a diagnosis at 20 school was useless , only in the last few years have we managed to get him medicated as he can't take stimulants, his ADHD has now been diagnosed as severe, it has affected him his whole life, he was rated one of the best footballers in the country as a young teen but ADHD caused him to give up, if only he had the help when much younger