Emotional neglect from parents

[purplegreenfish]

Over the years I’ve come to think I was emotionally neglected as a child. I don’t think it was actually abuse because it wasn’t done with the intention to cause harm, but I do think it was neglect.

I don’t blame my parents for this - my only sibling is severely disabled and I think they were very preoccupied trying to cope with that. They had to really fight to get the right support for her, to get her into the right special school etc and I don’t think they had much left to give me. I knew my role in the family was to be the non-problem child who they didn’t have to worry about.

Growing up I just remember being criticised for everything I did, or else completely ignored. My parents would get very annoyed if I cried and I don’t remember ever having a “deep” conversation with them about anything, ever. When I was in my teens I was very depressed and used to cry in my room after school for hours every day and my parents just ignored it. They would get very angry if I showed that I was upset. When I was about 13 I was so sad that I poured myself a glass of wine (!) because I’d heard that alcoholics used it to make them feel happier and even though I said that to them, rather than talking to me to try to understand how I was feeling they just shouted at me and sent me to my room.

Juvenile wine drinking aside, I was actually a pretty good child. I got straight As in my GCSEs and A Levels, never got into smoking/drinking/drugs etc. And yet I look back and all I remember is criticism, negative comparisons to friends, being told to go away.

Until my mid-thirties I realised I was still trying to get their approval for anything and everything I did and getting disappointed when I didn’t get it. I’m now late thirties and think my boundaries are a bit better with my parents, but I’ve struggled all my life with low self-esteem, perfectionism and an inability to seek help or be honest when I’m struggling.

Has anyone experienced similar and what can I do to try and get past this and ensure I don’t pass my insecurities and issues on to my own children? They’re aged 6 and 10. My parents are now elderly and I don’t want to hurt them by raising this with them as the past cannot be changed and as I said above I don’t think it was their fault.

I had exactly the same upbringing. It's a bit of a cliché but times were different, things were less child centric and we were expected to pretty much raise ourselves. I'm not saying it was like that for everyone but for a large number of people it was. There was also a culture of not praising children because it would 'go to their head', and telling off girls especially for 'boasting'.
You have to forgive and move on, they did what they did without any malice. It sounds like they had a lot on their plate as well.

Raise your children with love, do your best and perhaps learn from your parent's mistakes but understand that you too will also make mistakes. Your children in turn will learn from yours and make more of their own! It was ever thus.

I'm in my 50's and it's still the same responsefrom my 80 year old mother. . Now is not the time, im busy, im stressed, (sibling) is my priority, feel like even now there is an inner child shouting "i'm here as well'Discovered the term glass child and it fitted to a tee. I've no answers, just a hand hold to say I understand.

There are some good books on this. I think the first one I read was "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". My dm has some of these traits. Reading about it has massively helped me understand why they behave like that and that they won't change. I have then been able to work through books like "Will I Ever be Good Enough" to develop strategies to cope with being a neglected dc. YouTube has a surprising amount of information too.

You are not alone and actually I think the majority of us make damned sure we don't treat our own dc like that.

That sounds like way more than just emotional neglect to me, they were downright cruel to you. I'm so sorry OP, but you spent your childhood being abused. There really is no other word for it.

Op this is similar to me. I still really struggle with it. Have you looked up the term glass child?

The main thing for me is that I stop trying to be perfect or not make a fuss to make people like me (learnt that love is conditional). I’m constantly scared my DH is mad at me.

In term if your children, can you picture yourself at age 6. Really think of that small child and what would make that child feel good and also bad. I realised my parents over looked my emotions (someone has it worse than you) or never apologised. I make sure I try to listen to their emotions and I always apologise with a reason why.

Have a look at Sibs OP, lots of similar experiences on there. https://www.sibs.org.uk/siblingstories

I think it’s recognised that sibs of disabled DC face a rough ride.

A lot of celebs in that position credit the parenting and attention they never had for their drive to be seen.

It’s a bum deal. But probably inevitable - mourn your loss and move forward.

Thank you for all the comments!

I’d never heard of the term “glass child” so looked it up and it actually made me feel quite emotional. It describes me perfectly. Especially the hyper independence and need for external validation.

I’m going to have a look at the sibs website too.

I’ve always been very defensive and protective of my parents and keen to tell everyone that they did the best they could and it wasn’t easy for them. In a way it’s quite liberating to admit that they did make mistakes and they did damage me. That doesn’t mean I need to cut them out or punish them for those mistakes but just to admit, even to myself, that it had an impact on me and try to understand what that was and move past it is very helpful.