Do You Friends That Have Never Invited You To Their Home?

[RabbitsRock]

It’s such an odd thing but I realised today that I have quite a few friends where I have either only been to their house once or twice over several years of knowing them or never even stepped into the entrance hall! One friend I go to the cinema with, also out for meals with others & occasionally dog walking, has never even had me just inside her front door. With another good friend who I met when DD16 was at primary school, I haven’t even seen her house!

My friends know I work at home and never see humans, so always invite me to theirs instead.

Maybe they're embarrassed of their house? Maybe they're worried you'll judge them for it not being clean? It could be a total dump.
Maybe they just like to go out!
Why does it matter?

Years ago when my kids were young we used to visit each other when the kids went to school or in the summer in each other's kitchens over coffee.
Honestly cannot remember last time a friend and I met in each other's homes.
I think it's for the most part a thing of the past.
Just like we no longer go to each other's homes for a meal in the evening, with the expectation of reciprocation, barbecues being the rare exception.
We no longer get together and play cards in the afternoon, not that I ever did that, that was a previous generation's social activity.
Everybody's too busy now everybody likes the opportunity to get out of the house, and who wants to be bothered cleaning up their living space if they don't have to?

I have a very dear friend who is kind and generous and I've never been to her house. She's been in my house once, handing in a gift. She's spoken about it to me. She sees her home as a sanctuary and has no-one in it. She's also germ phobic and struggles with that. I don't feel bad about it because she's never had anybody in her house except her parents.

I like a change from my four walls and would much rather go out! Doesn’t mean I don’t love my friends

The cost of eating and drinking out is relatively cheaper and more available than 30 years ago let alone 40+ years ago. For small children there are activities which simply didn’t exist even 30 years ago.

When I was a child takeaways or budget eating out were birthday treats and special occasions, lunch/coffee was either taken in to work or made there (if there was a kettle and a jar of instant). Entertaining/get togethers were in homes and limited to the number you could accommodate. As a child our front door like all our neighbours was pretty much revolving and since money was tight for everyone get togethers would be “pot luck” as often as not.

When my children were born (90s) things hadn’t really changed much. I don’t ever remember meeting up in coffee shops with children - the park was more likely. Similarly eating with friends was mostly at home - more cost effective for everyone.

My DC all entertain at home but their generation also eats out as the norm in a way we simply didn’t at that age. I also often meet friends out at least as much as at home, probably more so in a way I wouldn’t have considered 30-40 years ago.

This conversation is so interesting when you set it beside the thread running currently about boomer wealth / young people being unable to afford property / to save / to retire young. The boomers referenced in the other thread would pretty much never have been able to afford regular coffee / meals out with their DC, a cuppa at home would have been the only option.

I had a friend who I met up with weekly who had been to my house multiple times but never reciprocated - I never stepped inside her house in years of friendship. I took it personally as she’d tell me about having her neighbour over!

I haven’t had many people to current house, it’s a very small cottage that we have been renovating for 3 years and that has meant living in 1 or 2 small rooms at a time.

Doesn’t mean I don’t like people! It’s now in a better state but we are now mid divorce and selling up, so it’s not the best atmosphere tbh. When I eventually move I do intend to make up for it though. I owe a lot of play dates.

thinking about it, being invited to their home is a marker of closer friendship. I love having people to visit, even just for a coffee. It changes the relationship and indicates a desire to get to know each other better.

DH isn’t really keen but does enjoy the company and is glad in retrospect when we have entertained visitors.

How do you know how old the opening poster is? A few people have mentioned young children but most could easily be older surely? Many of the "boomers" who couldn't afford to go out for coffee 40 or 50 years ago certainly can now, and could 20 years ago too!

I think it's quite normal now not to go to friends' houses and I think there are a variety of reasons for that. I think some people just like getting out of the home but I also think social media has set unrealistic expectations of what our homes should be like and people don't feel they can show their real homes.

I work from home. I meet people out, or I'd rarely leave. On the whole, most of my friends meet out of the house. It has definitely changed in the last couple of decades.

I don't like having people in my house, would much rather meet on neutral ground.

But there weren't the coffee shops 40 or 50 years ago so people didn't spend money on things like that.

There were hardly any takeaways. No McDonald's, very few restaurants. My high street was full of shoe shops.

A lucky escape for the second tier friend.
No one likes a ghoster.

I haven't been to most of my friend's homes but they're mostly late 20s to early 30s in age, and living in London so we don't have spacious homes of our own to entertain in.

I think it is partly because a lot of us have much smaller homes now than our parents did. I honestly don't really have the room in our two up two down.

We also don't have as much time for tidying and cleaning as our parents did because we are often two parent incomes, whereas 40 years ago, one parent often did not work outside the home.

But mainly it's the size of our houses. That's certainly why I can't have friends round. I have them round in the summer to sit in the garden, but inside the house there's no room.

I used to like meeting a friend for coffee but it's now £4.50 a cup so it's time for a coffee at home revival.

I don’t have friends round, 2 kids, 3 cats and carpet that’s been down for 15 years and 28 years in the same place so wear and tear is obvious and I cba to decorate where the cats have scratched the wallpaper

I'm a boomer. We had a two bedroomed terraced house for seven years, then a small three bed semi. Those were the most social years of ouur lives, with friends round at ours or us visiting them at least once or twice a week.

Yes, NOW I have a (not big) four bed detached, but it would be silly for my kids, one in a tiny two bed and one in a three bed semi, to say they don't have friends round because their houses are smaller than the one I have now. At their ages I had the same as them!

That's the comparison you should be making. Not comparing different stages of life.

I think many people have such full on lives that it’s a bit of escapism to go out instead.

I have only one friend who gets to come into my house and that is because she is absolutely non judgemental about the chaos and exists in a chaotic whirl herself. Everyone else is definitely a meet at a coffee shop kind of friend. I know I come over as a bit standoffish, and that's fine.

We don’t go to each others houses , I’m in a social group of 8 and haven’t been inside anyone’s house , we meet in coffee shops , pubs , restaurants, cinema In fact anywhere that serves food and drink .

I’m Gen X and definitely had people round a lot when the kids were small. For lunch, BBQ, birthdays, Halloween, New Year. We also all hung out at various shared houses in University years and early 20’s.

Nowadays, I really don’t do that very often. We tend to meet people in restaurants or go out for the day. When I have people over I resent the frantic cleaning and cooking stress.

Other people’s kids can also be really destructive and I can see why people don’t want them round, especially as we all have such nice (and expensive) interiors these days.

I think it’s also a post lockdown, WFH thing with many.