Has my relationship with my mother damaged my self esteem?

[millfree]

When I was a and kid and a teenager my mum used to always say to me to be quiet, not to talk about myself because nobody was interested in what I had to say especially if it was about myself. She always accused me of interrupting her, butting into conversations and saying things that had no relevance to what was being said. I have curly hair while hers was poker straight and she hated my hair saying it looked like rats tails and never looked right and would take me to the hair dressers for it to be cut very short which I hated. As a teenager she was annoyed I wouldn't let her chose my clothes and that I didn't make an effort with my appearance i.e. wear make up and nail polish and called me ugly.

In so many other ways she was a really great mum but she was hard on me, now I see her when I visit her and my father. We do sometimes talk on the phone but I find that if she's in the mood to talk she will talk about herself for 40 minutes and then if I try to share any news suddenly I've been holding her back and she needs to go. If she isn't in the mood to talk she either passes me straight on to my father or makes in clear she isn't interested in talking to me and ends the call. She is getting on now and has health issues so I understand she might not always be up to talking.

I feel it has affected me though, I am married, very happily but I really struggle with making friends and am very alert to any sign the other person might be bored by what I say or any sense of annoyance. I end up feeling like no matter what I do it comes out wrong and I also hear in my head whenever I talk to anyone a voice saying, "nobodies interested in what you say, stop talking about yourself".

I am now fairly isolated as I work from home and have few friends. I do quite enjoy this as its feels less stressful to me than having to interact with more people. I do notice though when I am in social situations I just hate it, I feel so out of place, I'm awkward because I am always anticipating rejection or humiliation especially from other women even when I know they are kind people.

I'm sorry you're struggling OP.
Your mother sounds unkind in her conversations with you now. Your memories of childhood are, in my opinion, a bit more nuanced. My parents had to teach me not to go on about myself when I was a child, and how to speak appropriately with others, remembering to ask them about themselves etc.
I've had to remind my own children countless times, too- it's part of parenting I think. I've never said that "no-one is interested" in what they have to say, but it is appropriate to remind children that people aren't necessarily interested in the same things as them, so not to go on about their specific interests for ages.
I also have curly hair that was cut off when I was little, because curly hair does take a lot of care and can easily get ratty.

I am the same as you socially- I really struggle and I am a natural loner. I don't think that this is because of my parents though. It's just a part of my personality.

Sorry if you feel I'm being dismissive, but I just wanted to share my thoughts because I feel we have a lot in common, and it's really helped me to identify my own characteristics about why I struggle socially, instead of thinking it's linked to anything that's happened to me. It's not a failure, remember, it's just different!

I can identify on the hair situation. My mum went to the hair dresser weekly for a shampoo and set and had a perm every couple of months but me, I had to have my hair cut really short, rats tails were also mentioned. In photos of back then, if I hadn’t been wearing a dress you would think I was a boy. I so coveted long hair but I was about 9 before I was allowed to grow it. She also had a rule about socks and tights. No tights at all and only wool socks. I had to wear these hideous fawn 3/4 length socks. I remember the first time I was allowed to wear long white socks bliss. I was probably about 8 or 9 then.

I would suggest you accept that this is how she is ( for whatever reasons) and has been and have some counselling as to the effects this may have had on yourself. It sometimes takes an outsider to tell you that it's not wrong to feel this way about your mother. Hopefully some counselling will enable you to make a few changes that might make you act in a different way. I've been there and achieved this. I only had about 3 very worthwhile sessions of CBT. Don't let your upbringing determine your future.

Hi OP, your post resonates with me.
Much of what you posted is what happened to me while I was growing up, and into my married -with -children adulthood.

Yes of course this fundamentally damages one's self-esteem.
Like you, I married well and have lovely children. However there is always the spectre voice of my mother running in the background making me feel uncertain of my worth, and that will never go away.
I hope, as has been previously suggested, that you make the effort to get yourself good counselling.
I know it's difficult for people who have been verbally abused or belittled in childhood to feel self worth, even if you feel loved by your family of today.
Deep inside you might not feel that you're worth the time and trouble to seek outside help for yourself.
Unfortunately, these feelings of sadness and uncertainty that live inside you will not disappear over time.
You'll need to seek help from a professional counsellor to stop giving negative feelings headspace. Seeking help for yourself soon would be my suggestion, and all the very best to you OP x

Has it damaged your self esteem? Yes it has, 100%. You spent your entire childhood with your mother telling you that your opinions don't matter, you were unattractive, and nobody would be interested in you. No wonder you feel the way you do.