How do I tackle this without blowing everything up?

[kuromipal]

I will try to keep this brief without drip feeding.

DP and I have been together for just over 2 years. Both in our 30’s and very happy.
He left a relationship not long before we started seeing each other because he was unhappy.

DP and I are currently expecting a baby girl together. We met at a festival through mutual friends and just clicked immediately. I had come out of a 17 year relationship 2 years prior so felt ready!

DP has a very close best friend. Let’s call him Daniel. He has a girlfriend named Melanie. Daniel has been supportive of our relationship and always very kind to me. However, Melanie hasn’t. She formed a close friendship with DP’s ex and didn’t want them
to break up because it disrupted their foursome friendship dynamic. I understand this and do sympathise. I made sure not to overstep with Melanie and just be friendly when I saw her. DP explained to Melanie that he wasn’t happy with his ex girlfriend and the break up was for the best. Daniel and Melanie had only known DP’s ex through DP and they weren’t together for very long.

Since then, Melanie has been quite unkind. She is still in her early 20’s, as is DP ex girlfriend and they act incredibly immature.

Melanie has gone to DP and Daniel’s mutual friends and slagged me off, saying I don’t compare to DP’s ex and he was happier with her. I have caught her taking quick photo’s of me when we have all been in a group at a gig or on a short holiday. DP says she is likely sending them to his ex. She posts photos of the four of them from past holidays on social media, the list goes on.

Recently, Daniel and Melanie had an engagement party and invited the ex girlfriend first. Then we got an invite via their event on social media. DP said we wouldn’t feel comfortable attending as Melanie has made things very difficult for me to feel welcome and comfortable, particularly with his ex girlfriend there. They immediately removed us from the event and proceeded to plaster photos all over social media of them with her on Sunday (when the party took place)! I think DP had expected his best friend to prioritise his invite since they have been best friends for over 20+ years and have travelled the world together. I could tell the photos upset DP.

I had invited Melanie to my baby shower because I really wanted to protect and respect his friendship with his best friend. I didn’t want to cause any trouble from my end. Yesterday, DP uninvited her and said enough was enough.

Personally, I would like to cut ties with this woman now, including on social media.
I still worry I will hurt DP and Daniel’s friendship if I did this, but I am beginning to struggle.

Please offer me some wisdom here.
Thank you.

There are so many threads on here about men not having their partner's back. Your DP has stuck up for you and stopped social interactions with Melanie - albeit his friendship with Daniel might suffer. But that's up to your DP.

I would follow his lead, cut ties and stop looking at their social media. It's up to your DP how he navigates his friendship with Daniel; you don't need to be involved or feel guilty.

Best of luck with the pregnancy!

Cut ties with her now and be done with it. You have no obligation to this woman. You have tried. Your DP and Daniel have a longstanding friendship which may well outlast Melanie.

Sorry let me edit that.

Follow your partners lead. Stop inviting Melanie to things- she doesn’t like you or want to be friendly. In her eyes you probably “stole” her friends boyfriend off her (I know you didn’t) and look like a long term rebound of someone her friend planned to spend the rest of her life with. It’s no excuse for her to be bitchy, but stop trying to make a friendship with her happen. Shes made it clear where her loyalties lie.

did melanie and your partners ex know each other before Melanie knew you?

DP has been trying to encourage me to be friendly with her throughout this whole situation. I have wanted to cut her off long before now but haven’t to respect his friendship with Daniel. I think DP has wanted me to keep up a face and pretend that this behaviour hasn’t bothered me and to behave like things are normal and OK. I have been doing that, but I am now struggling.

I suggested to DP last night that I remove her off social media. He seemed wary because he knows it will be questioned by them and I think the confrontation worries him. I by no means stalk their social media, I just see the posts like everyone else when they are uploaded.

I post regularly on social media because I have a large following due to losing a significant amount of weight. This has included my pregnancy after infertility etc.
I just don’t want Melanie to have access to my life in any form whatsoever, including on social media and because I believe that’s how she tries to cause upset. Come on, there’s no need to post a picture of the four of them from past holidays knowing his new partner (and now mother of his child) will see it? Surely.

Melanie knew DP’s ex during their relationship, not before. I met Melanie after DP and I started our relationship officially.

Bizarre he wants you two to be friends when he knows Melanie and you won’t/cant gel due to her loyalty towards DP’s ex. Presumably he wants you to be “couple friends” and wishes his ex wasn’t in the picture/wasn’t friends with Melanie. But he can’t stop their friendship and make yours happen. Besides, him and Daniel can still be friends even if you and Mel aren’t.

You really don’t sound bothered about being friends with her anyway. I would certainly be removing off social media if I wanted to, it’s my social media!

if it’s FB I think you can post while hiding posts from specific friends. But in your shoes I’d just remove them and if they ask, your DP can just say you’re keeping close family and friends on FB.

edit: Melanie sounds like a troublemaker and tactless posting stuff like that. She’s clearly hoping your partner and his ex get back together. I’d be deleting her x

Can't your dh and his friend have a F2F chat about it? All cards on the table?

His friend has got to see that his girlfriend is being immature, weird and plain nasty?

It's the relationship between these men which is important so surely they need to talk. NOT TEXT!

I did suggest he speak to his best friend F2F but he won’t. He hates confrontation and avoids it like the plague. He will only respond if questioned, which I suspect he is now about to be questioned since I have just removed her from all social media accounts. I want to move on now and enjoy my pregnancy without this unnecessary drama.

Nobody has time for all this drama. Why would you have her on your SM when you are not even friends. Well done for removing her. Your DP needs to stand up for you and himself (and your child once she is here) and time to start now.

What the hell would you have in common with an early 20's something and even less so with a silly bitch. Of course she's immature at that age! What is Daniel doing with someone maybe 10 years younger anyway? Your DP is now in a new phase of life. Things change as the years progress - friendships, places, people become out grown. If anyone is immature it's your DP and he needs to wake up and smell the coffee. You are going to be parents ffs. Time to leave the high school drama behind. Unfortunately men don't usually get it. They prioritise their "old buddies" over their wives so you need to lay it on the line and protect yourself. Otherwise I can predict your future.

Firstly hide her in social media so you don’t see her posts but she isn’t blocked I think it’s muted for 30 days on Facebook

secondly the two men need a chat about this and if possible you two women need an honest face to face chat

if these two things don’t work then either just you , or both of you will have to back away from this shitty situation

she sounds so bitchy I’d not want to be around her and his ex needs to get a life and move on

I'm not sure what your conundrum is - whether to unfriend/unfollow/block on SM?

Given how she has behaved towards you and the fact your DP has uninvited her i don't think removing her from your SM would be a shock move.

Block her on all social media. She doesn't want to be friends, she's a troublemaker. If they ask why, tell them that you're not going to put up with her nastiness. DP can just concentrate on his friendship with Daniel, there's no need for you or Daniel's gf to be involved. She sounds very immature but hopefully she will grow up soon.

Personally, I wouldn't tackle it. I'd just leave it be. What do you want out of a face-to-face? Its not going to make her nicer, stop her bitching about you to ex, make you into a happy foursome.

All it will do is create tension, possibly cause a row between them and make her resent you for causing a problem when they are newly engaged.

If you leave it, don't make a drama, then its up to DP and Daniel to work out their friendship dynamic. You never know, in time you might become close again. But it doesn't matter if you don't. You've doubtless got your own friendship group and you're at different life stages to M&D.

Honestly, ignore it and concentrate on enjoying your pregnancy. Congratulations by the way!

Exactly. Both her partner and his friend are learning the hard way why you don’t date people so much younger than you. Now they’ve both been dragged into the early 20s high drama that often accompanies friendships and relationships at that stage.

I very much agree with this!

Just block them on SM. Suggest your DP can still arrange nights out with Dan but it seems his days of double dating are over. You tried, it didn't work.

I wouldn't make a big fuss. New couple friends will naturally take over. Make sure you do NCT and get your DP socialising with the other dads. Hopefully new friends where you have more in common with parenting will come to the fore.

What do your DP and Dan do to socialise? If it's been a lot of hanging out at each others houses that's awkward. Most people get out to a bar or similar.

If blocking will seem too much of a drama, mute. It doesn’t matter what she posts then, you won’t see it and you get the satisfaction of knowing if she is posting shit you can’t see it.

you now focus on taking the high ground. You are polite but not overly friendly in meetings but don’t invite her to anything or make an effort.

DP can see Daniel one to one, you don’t need to do things as a group.

you when DPs ex gets a new partner, you may find all settles down.