My 8 year old has no friends

[BambooLanda]

DS is 8. He’s lovely. His biggest loves are bird watching and Doctor Who. He has ASD and the older he gets the more he is struggling with friendships. He said tonight that it’s not that other kids don’t like him, they do. It’s just that they don’t think like he does about things and don’t care about the things he does. I think he hasn’t found his “people” yet and I’m worried that he won’t find them in school. We live very rurally and there are small class sizes with not many children. There are limited options for clubs outside of school and we’ve tried them all. He still goes to Cubs but says he doesn’t have friends there.

I’m worried about him and don’t know what to do. Does anyone have any advice?

It must be difficult living rurally to connect with other ND children and families. In towns there are usually support groups for families (we ran one for ten years) It was great to see friendships forming and children playing alongside or together.
As our autistic daughter got older she had lots of friends. She was always popular. Many of her friends at University were probably also autistic
( diagnosed or not)
Is the secondary school he will go to larger? Maybe that’s where he will find “his tribe”
You could try the SEN Local Offer for your local authority to see if there are any groups or activities.
Sometimes The NAS has a directory of what’s available in each area.
Good luck he sounds amazing.

No, the secondary school is also tiny and he will be with same kids. I have thought about moving to give him more of a “chance” to fit in but all of our lives are here. I honestly don’t know what to do or how to help him. He’s a truly great kid and I hate that he’s lonely.

I get that absolutely. Moving would be tough for you and no guarantees so probably not an option.
Has he had any support with friendships and social skills? Lego Therapy? Any help from SALT at all in this area?

Hi
as parents it’s so difficult to see this, your heart would break for them, that said he looks to you for how to deal with this so level head needed. You mentioned he’s in Cubs - have a chat with the Leaders re friends and ask them to keep an eye, they usually guide to most suitable pals. Also play to his strengths always, if he’s interested in hiking, trains, dinosaurs, maths, puzzles whatever it is, celebrate that and take him to museums / related experiences, it will build his confidence. He’ll find his tribe but maybe not in school & that’s ok.

He said all the other boys like playing football and he doesn't play. I said maybe he could give it a go as it might be a way of getting closer to the other boys. He looked so sad and said “but that’s not me mum. I just want people to like me for me.” And that’s what really broke my heart.

I will speak to his teacher tomorrow just so they know he’s feeling a bit lonely and I will speak to his Cubs Leader on Friday. He seems happy enough to go to Cubs but I don’t think he really interacts with the other boys.

We take him bird watching and for walks. We watch his favourite tv shows with him. He loves talking about Doctor Who and making up his own scripts for new stories. I’ve told him how fantastic his imagination is. Luckily I think his self esteem is actually in quite a healthy place. He knows exactly who he is.

He doesn’t get any support at the moment. He’s quiet and well behaved in school and seems outwardly happy. I think because of these things he gets overlooked.

School can be more proactive with the social side. Maybe a buddy scheme or circle of friends. Y6 could be “trained” post SATs and Y 5 to pick it up. Might be tricky in a small rural school.
I’d ask the SENCO.

Thank you @24Dogcuddler I will ask school if they can support in the areas you suggest.

How rural are you, do you have neighbours with children? They don't have to be exactly the same age.

We are in a fairly small village and there's a range of ages which play from surrounding houses with ours (around 12 children between 4 and 13). The friendships aren't ones which would have been likely to form in school, even amongst the similar aged children, but because of the amount of time they have together they've formed very close friendships.

Encouraging that sort of open house/garden frequent play may allow him to build friendships easier than a club or school setting.

Is there a SEN based youth centre anywhere close by? I know you're rural but might be worth looking into further afield

Also, if you're rural, are there any Young Farmers associations close?

https://www.nfyfc.org.uk/

Here

Starts aged 10

Not to push a stereotype but I run a club at my school for D&D, Warhammer, other card and board games. Most of those who attend are on the spectrum and have made the most lovely friendships, with intense conversations about the sort of things your ds is into. It's a growing trend these days...if you are anywhere near a town with Warhammer or gaming shop, go and have a chat with them about both WH and what other options they know of in the area for gaming clubs. There's also a huge online community that could be a starting point. It is heartbreaking and I'm familiar with the situation OP. Wishing you the best x

How far away is your nearest bigger town/ city? Is it worth asking on local Facebook pages if there are any groups/ activities that would suit him, even if it means travelling further afield?

Not to push a stereotype but I run a club at my school for D&D, Warhammer, other card and board games. Most of those who attend are on the spectrum and have made the most lovely friendships, with intense conversations about the sort of things your ds is into.

The same applies for manga, anime, Pokemon, comic and video game communities. I've absolutely convinced the majority of people there are ND, but those are amazingly tolerant environments where everyone can indulge in the same interests and freely unmask. 8 is slightly young to attend clubs alone but as a parent you can definitely research conventions or events happening nearby and take him along. You can also encourage more hobbies in that direction such as online gaming. I also firmly believe that internet access was/is a lifesaver for many ND kids and the usual screentime rules should not always apply. If they are isolated in real life, many find solace in a virtual space and there are plenty of real people to befriend online.

Join the local young ornothologists club. I would bet it will be full of other neuroapicy kids and adults who would love a new member/friend.

Thank you - we are very rural. An hour and half drive from the nearest city. Unfortunately we don’t have neighbours either. I have found a Warhammer group and have emailed them but I think it is adults only.

There is a Young Farmers Group but I think he is still a bit young.

There isn’t much in the way of the other stuff suggested. I feel like I’ve ruined his life by living here. I used to think it was idyllic but now I’m concerned it’s limiting his options and will mean he can’t make friends until/ if he goes off to university.

There might be some online stuff? I know there are online Minecraft sessions for neuro divergent kids near us.

A bit random but look up lrish Birdwatcher
Sean Ronayne who also has ASD and struggled with these issues as a child. He has now made birdwatching his life and is so well known here that l am very familiar with him although having no interest in birdwatching. His story may be an encouragement to you and maybe your boy would be interested in his story/ work.
Your son sounds amazing. Sometimes kids like him might like adults with the same interests and wondering is there a local birdwatching enthusiastic person who might teach him stuff with you going along for safety.
My ds loved to play chess with older guys in a club at that stage as it was his passion and he didn't care about age.

It’s great that he has good self-esteem and knows who he is, but he also sounds quite inflexible, probably not surprisingly, but it may be something to talk to him about. At eight, with niche interests, it’s quite unlikely he’s going to find other kids of his age who have exactly the same ones, even in a bigger setting. It’s also quite likely some of the other boys aren’t all that interested in football either, but it’s a useful, undemanding common ground in the playground that can involve everyone. Doing something that doesn’t fascinate him at lunchtime isn’t a matter of being inauthentic, it’s just a common language between kids who may be very different. When I was eight, I was writing adventure stories and had a secret society in a treehouse with neighbours, but at school, I still played skipping with the others.

@Eggplanting He is not willing or able to do things to “blend in” I suppose. In some ways I admire his sense of self and know I’ll never have to worry about him bowing to peer pressure in the same way I worry about his older brother. In other ways it gives me new concerns for all the reasons you’ve mentioned.

I speak to him about being more flexible but in general it is something that he struggles with. He sees the world in very much black and white terms.

I hadn’t thought about looking for online groups. Thank you for the suggestion. @junebirthdaygirl I hadn’t heard of Sean Ronayne, thank you for the suggestion. I’ve just spent a happy 10 minutes Googling him.

See, I don’t think it’s about ‘blending in’. I wasn’t ’blending in’ or pretending to be someone I wasn’t when I played skipping and chasing at school without being that interested. I was just aware that no one shared my specific interests at school, so the onus was on me to find something reasonably enjoyable I could do with the people who were there.

Another idea. I know you are rural but are there any drama groups for young people in driving distance? Maybe a Summer week?
Our theatre here runs an inclusive group. They run a Summer one and present a drama on the last day.
Our DD attended a few groups like this and loved them.

I would research a school with a really good Autism provision - there is a school near us with this , very well regarded - and move there. ( I live semi-rurally too - so its not a rural or city choice for you necessarily)

Small communities are hard. There are limited things to do and if what is available does not interest you, well. Its just harder to find your tribe, especially if you are someone with niche interests.

If you can afford to move financially and practically, I would.

This might be irrelevant but you're only mentioning boys, is it possible his interests would overlap more with the girls in his class? My DD is also 8 and loves nature and birdwatching, there's a kids group at our local RSPB reserve, and many of the girls in her class also love nature and animals. It might sound like a silly thing to say but some ASD children sometimes need telling that boys and girls can be friends so he might not have thought of it.