I know I am being sensitive about old home videos

[Stopitbella]

I’ve got loads of home videos, mainly of me and my ds when he was small, all on dvd pre geting an iPhone and everything going digital (for me that was in 2011). I’ve got lots from when I was a child too.

Ds is now 23 and off doing his own thing, I was sorting some out today and put one on. I called up to my now dh (met him in 2012), just to show him something funny that I was doing in it and he couldn’t have been less interested, he never has been.

I know they are all from before he met me and ds, but he never cares. And I know other peoples home videos are boring as fuck, but it really hurts that he just doesn’t care who I was before I met him, not even to watch 5 mins?

I only keep them as ds might want them one day, and my little daughters might one day be interested in seeing what I was like when I was young.

It’s just so many memories and no one to share them with, no one to ask “oh wow, what was that place like?” Etc. I’ve got no other family and it just feels like no one gives a shit. Dh will half heartedly look for 30 seconds and then walk off or look at his phone, he makes it very clear he’s bored.

I’d just like to share some memories of my life from time to time with someone without being made to feel stupid for it.

It's a bit like a slap in the face isn't it OP when someone who is supposed to care about you shows they aren't really that interested in you?
It's funny how at one time good manners would have dictated that someone would at least put on a show of interest so as not to hurt someone's feelings. Now people don't feel the need to do that, even if they are being hurtful.

That's very unkind. My DH shows me photos and home videos from before I knew him and I ask questions and show interest in them, more interest than I actually have if I'm honest. It's the loving thing to do and I'm sorry your DP doesn't have the grace or emotional intelligence to do the same.

I understand some of his reasons. Me and ds traveled a lot together when he was little and dh has said before that it feels like I am gloating, as we’ve never been able to afford to go on holiday together all these years.

So I wouldn’t expect him to look at any of those, but there’s others when we were at home and stuff.

I’m not gloating anyway, we did travel the world, my ex husband and I were in a much better financial position and ds and I used to travel when ex h was working abroad (ex h isn’t in any, ds and I would travel alone while he worked), I can’t help that my situation was different before I met him.

It’s like he thinks I’m rubbing it in his face, I’m not at all. I can’t help that I went places years ago.

I’m sorry, that’s really mean of him. Have you told him how it makes you feel?

Yeah, he never cares. He just says it pisses him off and that I’m gloating about how amazing my life used to be. I’m really not, you don’t video the shit times do you, just the good ones.

It’s just things like this that really hurt. It would be different if I had parents or siblings to share memories with, but there’s no one.

He actually sounds really horrible. His remarks about your past are not reasonable or normal, and you should not be made to feel bad about holidays etc you had before you met him. You deserve better OP - someone who is kind.

He sounds obnoxious.
Does your ds even like him?

Yes, they are very close. He’s been in ds life since he was 9. They have a wonderful relationship. Ex h is a great dad and was a fantastic co parent (still is in times when we have to help ds as an adult), but dh is the one ds turns to ahead of me and his dad. I think it’s easier as he’s a step parent if that makes sense, while he loves ds the same as our children together, I think ds finds it easier to talk to him about difficult things first.

He’s not all bad. He just has a massive chip on his shoulder about how my life was before I met him.

Does he generally have a chip on his shoulder about other people having nice things - holidays, cars, houses?

Your children will be interested in them when they are older. Someone in my family had all my uncles old home videos put onto YouTube for the family. It was amazing to see them after all those years!

No, not really. He just says he hates it as “he can’t give me that.”

I mean, we could, that’s the thing. We don’t have any debts or huge mortgage. We are going a big house renovation that we’ve saved for as well as paying off most of the mortgage. It’s different priorities now. So yeah, we could say sod the extension and go away for 3 months, or get a credit card and do it. So it’s not like we have nothing and he’s seething in jealousy.

Him hating it IS a chip on his shoulder. That must be quite a sad way to live, knowing that if someone around you has a good thing happen in their life, your partner is going to end up being annoyed about it?

No, it’s not like that. I’m not defending him, it’s fucking hurtful, but things can get taken the wrong way on here very easily.

It’s all about him not being interested in knowing about my life prior to him. Hes not a killjoy about other people having or doing stuff. Ds is currently travelling the world, he loves his updates and helping him plan anything if needed, he’s not jealous or bitter about anyone else.

It me before I met him he’s got no interest in.

And it’s not just any videos of my past travels, he’s not interested in any of my childhood ones (I’m 45 but my dad was a filmmaker, so had all the equipment before a lot of people were making home videos, I’m very lucky to have lots of me as a baby).

He sounds jealous and insecure. Who in earth begrudges nice things their partner did ? I love looking at old photos or films of friends and family as well as DH.

It’s not even nice things. The travel stuff isn’t the whole issue. There is far more than that, just normal things.

I was watching some childhood/family ones after my dad, who he was really close to died, he wasn’t interested in those either, I thought he would have liked to have seen what my dad was like when he was younger as they were such good friends.

Sorry i misunderstood - god I feel really sad for you OP, because I know this might be a bit of a leap for some people but I've had two boyfriends like this and ultimately with the benefit of hindsight I can point to other things that make me realise they weren't really interested in me as a person, only me in relation to them, if that makes sense. Sure, they'd show kindness when I was ill, and ask me how my day was when I got home from work, but looking back I don't think either of them ever really asked me about my plans for the future, why I made certain decisions, what I wanted out of life, what my values are etc. I was a 'girlfriend' not 'whole human being' if that makes sense? And because they were nice in other ways it covered that up. Is this ringing true or is he genuinely deeply interested in you in other ways? Although I'm admit I'm struggling to see how if he doesn't want to talk about your life beforehand.

Yes, this is true to some extent. He definitely sees me as an extension of him rather than my own person - in some ways. I mean, I’m the one who does all the finances, planning for future etc.

But for example, when we got together, he was aghast that I had never seen Pulp Fiction. He was full of planning a movie night, he had to show it to me, couldn’t believe I’d never seen it. I had to explain to him, that I hadn’t “missed it” or didn’t know it existed. It just wasn’t my sort of movie. I had no desire to watch ir ever, it would be like someone being amazed he’d never warched Shrek. It took him a while to get his head round. He loved it, everyone else should too and they must have been living under a rock not to see it.

Hes also the king of making everything about him. He can turn any situation into a “what about me” pitty party, it’s quite a skill.

I mean, it sounds like you've got the measure of him, and he doesn't sound particularly emotionally intelligent whereas you do - i don't think you are more sensitive and it's a you problem, surely a partnership is where you meet in the middle on things, it kind of sounds like you are just the supporting cast to the DP show in a way. But that's just from a stranger on the Internet. How are you feeling overall, looking at that description you just wrote?

This. I mean, I’d show the videos to old friends who’ve been in my life longer than DH, but it’s clearly a much wider issue.

Oh I’m fine. It just gets me down that he doesn’t give two shits about my life before him.

But he’s supported me through years of horrific health issues which is more important than watching a few old videos. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting though that he doesn’t care about who I was.

I’m certainly not going to leave a man who has brought up my son just as he has his own children and who has looked after me, and all of us, during the hardest times of my life just because he can be a thoughtless dickhead sometimes.

Let me think. My (now) DH wants to keep showing me videos of him and my DSD, from before I was with them, when they were rich and travelling together. And I've made it clear it makes me uncomfortable and a bit sad. But he keeps doing it...

It’s not all travelling videos, I don’t just have 30 years worth of those, that was just an example. I have my whole life.

He won’t watch a second of any of it, my childhood etc. it would just be nice to share it with him. My mum died when I was little, it would be nice to show her to him on the videos.

And I don’t keep doing it, it’s maybe once every few years.