DPs in denial about decluttering before moving (or downsizing)

[IlovethedramaMick]

They asked me and Dsis to help and we have been, but they don’t actually want to get rid of anything. They’ve lived there at least 30 years and while they’re not hoarders they do hold on to a lot of stuff. Even if they moved to a similar sized house there’s just loads of stuff eg things from our childhood that it would be pointless to take with them. I do understand how difficult it is and don’t want to push them, but they also keep saying they don’t want to wait too long to move. Is there anything that helped you when clearing out for a move? Or helped your parents part with things they no longer need?

Most people wait too late until they are forced to move (illness, injury, etc.) and then what could have been a proactive, well-planned and less stressful endeavor is turned into a reactionary, chaotic mess.

This is what I would explain to your parents. I would simply state that you want to help them prepare to move when there is not some incident or catastrophe that forces you to drop everything to help them move because it is necessary.

The way you can illustrate the need to declutter is to research what likely retirement facility they would move to and the likely square footage. Then find a comparison in their own home to give them an idea. So, for example, if they would move to a 2-bedroom, 1-bath at 76 square meters, then paint that out for them in their existing home to illustrate how much of their stuff will not fit.

You might also have them watch a few decluttering self-help programmes that give them some of those tried and true methods, like evaluating whether an item has been used or worn in the last year and if it has not, "donate" or "destroy."

I think you could try the guilt trip and ask them if they’ve thought about how difficult it will be for you and your sister to clear their house if anything happens to them, when on top of the normal household stuff, they’ve also got a ton of your childhood crap to get rid of.

You could offer to take photos of stuff for them to remember, rather than have the actual stuff, so things like your artwork, your school certificates etc.

You could pull them up the next time they say they want to move soon and tell them there’s no point in thinking about it because they’d never fit everything in a smaller place.

You could tell them that there’s a skip coming at the weekend and that you and your sister will be filling it with all the crap they need to let go of. And if they lift a finger to stop you, then you don’t want to hear another word about moving because you won’t be spending hours arguing with them, and damaging your relationship with them, trying to convince them to be sensible.

Go round sometime and xome up with a list of things they want to do ‘at some point’.

Then when asked for help, ask which thing specifically they want to do on that visit.

That puts the emphasis on them to commit to the tasks.

They almost certainly don’t want to, but feel they ought to.

Firstly I would offer to take ‘your’ stuff home to yours to sort out.
It will be much easier for you to dispose it away from the family home.

Yes what CousinBob said ⬆️.
Also, I find out of sight out of mind helps. I often think twice about getting rid of clothes/shoes etc from my wardrobe, even when I haven’t worn them for ages. But if I put them in a storage box for a while so I can’t see them and forget about them, then by the time I look through the box again I usually happily donate/sell them asap. Maybe they could consider putting a chunk of stuff in a storage facility for a while and see how they feel about it then?

If they read buy them a Marie kondo book about decluttering. It challenges the thought process, so you hold something and know if it’s useful or beautiful and if neither you get rid of it

I’m the parent in this situation op and I would absolutely love it if my young adult DDs would offer to help me declutter the family home but I am doing it all alone and a lot of it is their stuff!

How short-sighted of your dps not to grab your kind offer of help with both hands!

I would just start with them one or two periods of set times a week so it becomes a habit. Very often people who are very attached to stuff respond well to the onion peel method.

They do one layer and then get more and more used to this process and more excited then do another one and so on.

Keep talking to them about how much more simple and easy to manage life will be once they have down-sized too.

I see it's also been suggested by @WilfredsPies but I really recommend taking photos. Clearing out my late Mum's house I found it was much easier to let go of stuff after taking a photo - somehow feels like a way of making sure I don't forget things. Planning to get the pictures made into a photo book of the most random photos but will lovely to have a flick through when I'm feeling nostalgic!

I've spent the last 2 years slowly sifting through my late father's belongings. He downsized from a 4 bed house to a 2 bed flat and wouldn't get rid of anything...... hence it having taken me so long to tackle. I've promised our own DC that I won't put them through this. This is how I've been sorting our household excess :

Photographs: if they have boxes of them, sort through and only put the meaningful ones into albums. Shred the out of focus/why did I take that ones!
Old cards (birthday, wedding, anniversary) sort into a storage box and only keep a selection
Ornaments: charity shop. Life's too short for dusting.
Clothes: if it hasn't been worn in the last 12 months, it goes to the charity shop. Especially things like coats!
Kitchen cupboards: only keep gadgets used regularly. Rest goes to the charity shop along with excess china.

Airing cupboard: old towels/duvets to pet shelters.

I think feigning interest in something and offering to take it off their hands might work. This is the only thing that works with my Dad, he believes everything might come in use some day so knowing something has a purpose keeps him happy. Or we say 'the charity shop near me said they are looking for bedlinen/ table cloths' etc and he will part with them. Old school books and college notes can be removed by you as they were yours to begin. Same with toys or old medals and trophies.

Can I just say @IlovethedramaMick that you have a wonderful username. I love that quote, also 'I can't be doing with crumbs Mick' 😃

I decluttered my parents' house. I did the initial sweep and mainly got rid of old appliances, linen and broken/ dirty things. It's a thankless task. My DF was keen but my DM was very resistant to getting rid of almost anything and wouldn't look at boxes I left for her to go through and still years later mentions random things I got rid of. They moved with a lot less. They still have more than they need and every cupboard in their new house is full but it's a thousand times better and cleaner than it was at their old house.

You can only do so much if they don't actually want to part with it. I'd try for obviously broken/ dirty stuff, then just box up things like old toys or clothes 'to store'. When it comes time, it'll at least be grouped and labelled and (hopefully) they might be willing to say you can take a box or two to the charity shop.

This book is your friend here:
Keep the Memories, Lose the Stuff: Declutter, Downsize, and Move Forward with Your Life

It helped my parents if it was being sold or donated rather than chucked.

I did this process about a year ago with mum - 80’s, widowed & declining health. It was awful. They were the post-war generation who never threw anything out. I will never put my children through that.

We tackled a room at a time, categorised stuff in to: bin, charity, recycle, sell. I wild have preferred a skip, which would have saved time, but she was having none of it.

she really struggled to make decisions & just couldn’t bear to throw things out, wanted to keep things where there was no space in her new place - luckily it had a garage.

6 months later, her health is really going, and I wished they’d done it earlier, in their 70’s. I think the move was just far too much for her, and that I would rather have spent her final years doing nice quality things with her than squabbling over an old tablecloth.

I did a house renovation years ago,j took photos of stuff then got rid of stuff.
my brother declutterred my parents house, he was very sensitive after they deceased

Set them up with a Vinted account and get it sold. It’s quite addictive once stuff starts selling!

Can you move things out of the house to storage unit? And then when the move is complete and the stuff hasn’t been missed, it could be donated to charity or to the dumps.

I think the hardest thing for a lot of people is throwing something away. If someone wants it it's not so difficult.

With the childhood stuff you and your sister should just pretend you want it and will put it in your attic - giant Sindy house or whatever - then chuck it later. Don't ever tell them you chucked the stuff and they'll never know.

With general rubbish tell them you are keen to do a carboot - proceeds to the grandchildren's account/dog's home whatever. Then take the stuff (you could actually car boot anything worthwhile or give it to a charity shop) and chuck all the rubbish. Tell them you made £90 and they will be chuffed.

Sorry if this seems dishonest to anyone but I think this is ok as it just helps the OPs parents to let go and is to their benefit in the long run.

We are the older parents in the middle of this! So far, we have filled two skips with the help of our DSs. We are moving from a cluttered house, where we have lived for 25 years, to a bungalow that actually has bigger rooms. But I have insisted that we got rid of anything broken, old crappy furniture and “we might need that some day” stuff. We have also bought some lovely up-to-date furniture and thrown away tatty rubbish.

Our situation is a little different because DS1 will still live with us for a while longer (he has ASD). But I’m really looking forward to living with a lot less crap and our DSs should find it much easier to sort out when we do eventually go.

I’m a huge proponent of Dana K White’s approach to declutterring and I’ve used it with my dc and dm.

She has a 5 step, no mess method and it’s brilliant. It starts with looking for trash (their definition, not yours). Then you look for things that belong somewhere else and take them there right away (no piles). Next look for obvious donations (again their definition, not yours). And then you’re down to the sticky things so you ask where you’d look for it first and take it there right away. And if the answer isn’t obvious ask if you’d remember you had it (eg would you actually even look for it or buy a new one).

If you start with a small area like a shelf or drawer, it’s a great way to build confidence and trust that you’re not going to ride roughshod over them. I love doing this because it prompts a bit of storytelling and reminiscing. It’s slow to start but if you can sit tight and not jump in and take over, it gains momentum. You don’t really have to go in order so if they can’t recognise that stuff is rubbish at first, or should be donated, don’t sweat it. The trick is to keep going and not get bogged down. If it’s hard, then skip it and work on something else.

Pick something that matters to them - an area that causes them difficulty right now. Once you build declutterring momentum it will snowball, but work on what matters to them now, not an abstract future issue like moving if there isn’t an actual plan.

With my dm, I do the legwork, put stuff where it belongs and take away rubbish and donations. To begin with she absolutely couldn’t recognise that things like her collection of 150+ coloured glass bottles that was scattered across the house was bloody useless a bit excessive but I didn’t push it. We had agreed they belonged on a shelf on a display cabinet and after a while she weeded them a bit, then a bit more, and then reduced the collection to five that have particular significance. It would be so easy to fall out over stuff like this, but I think if I’d pushed her that 150 might have reduced to 130 and she wouldn’t let me into other things for fear of what I’d throw away on her.

I read the gentle art of Swedish death cleaning. Nowhere near as morbid as it seems. A lovely little book with just this situation in mind.

Me and my dad helped move my sister into her new house via a few weeks with everything in a storage unit. He was appalled at the amount of clutter, that she'd had to pay for two storage units and a massive van and we were carrying ikea bags of worn out towels and boxes and boxes of books.

He's now started on his house and garage thank fuck. However he has to offer stuff to us, then on Freecycle, then the charity shops etc until he finally takes it to the tip. Sometimes it's just easier for me to say yes and chuck it myself.

thank you!

They don’t want to pay for a storage unit. I might pay for it for them just to get it done!

Thanks so much for your responses. So many good ideas which’ll help me go in with a fresh approach. Taking photos is such a great solution. I know my DM has vaguely heard of Marie Kondo but I’ll try and introduce her properly.