I feel so ugly

[AnaisVB]

This is a really weird one so sorry in advance!

Basically I feel ugly, all the time. I have always had this general feeling of not being ‘enough’ but it’s got much worse as I’ve got older and with horrible symptoms creeping up on me like unwanted facial hair, grey eyebrows popping up and wrinkles! (sounds delightful doesn’t it) I went through a nasty divorce and then split with my long term partner. My ex husband and my ex partner always made me feel beautiful and attractive so I can’t say that any of this has come from them directly. My ex husband left me as I didn’t want a third child and he was very controlling in the end, I left my next relationship for a variety of reasons.

It’s got so bad that I’m nervous about going out, I have meetings all day long at work and it makes me feel so self conscious. I constantly think people just look at me and think Ergh . I feel like they’re looking at me and thinking I’m so ugly, even my own team that I run ( 4 people I hired and are all lovely) I hate all pictures being taken of me and it’s really starting to take over, as in even with my friends -I have amazing friends and family - I’m starting to not want to see them / meet up unless the confusions are right - ie at my house where the lighting is low in the evenings! I get anxious if I’m out and someone starts taking photos so I don’t want to go out! I know it sounds really stupid and vain.

I of course know that appearance isn’t everything and I don’t think I’m vain at all, it’s more of an insecurity. My therapist has said that she thinks I have facial dysmorphia . I’ve never heard of it and I’d love to know if anyone else has ever experienced anything like this? How have you got through it, how can you change?

Please be kind,

Well I have very low self esteem OP.
I hate myself and I've always felt ugly and inferior to everyone else. I compare myself constantly to other people. It stops me socialising - if someone is talking to me I'm always thinking about what they are seeing when they look at me, that they must be seeing all my faults and thinking how ugly I am. I don't have any friends because I'm not worthy of friendship and I keep myself to myself. It's excruciatingly lonely but better than being with people who dislike me.

I've not heard of facial dysmorphia. I know my hatred of myself is linked to my childhood and the emotional neglect and lack of love from my parents. I'm one of those whose brain has been irreparably damaged and I don't think i'll ever change.

It sounds OP that you have a lot of positives in your life. You say you have loving family and friends and good work colleagues. Surely knowing how highly they think of you gives the lie to your feeling of ugliness? They obviously see you differently from how you see yourself.