Sympathetic or actually a bit unkind?

[decoyoyo]

My sister (fortunate enough to be a SAHM) hasn’t stopped bringing up my return to work after maternity leave. Asking me if I’m ready to go back, asking me what I’m doing for childcare, sending me lots of videos and ‘heartfelt’ posts about being a working mum. I am not sure why she is doing this. She knows I would love to take the full year but can’t afford it and that it hurts to think of going back right now. She has been a SAHM since having children and at first I thought it was sympathising but I now feel as though the over focus on it is odd. I have tried to change conversations but she is still bringing it up loads and I am repeating myself. If I point this out she will pull a face and say ‘oops, didn’t mean to offend’ or ‘wow sorry I know you’re sensitive about it’ and then just bring it up again in another way.

Our parents help her with childcare pretty frequently, most weekends and ad hoc weekdays when she needs it for her DC. They are going to be on occasion helping us with DD when DH and I have an uncovered gap between us (shifts). Since I’m returning part time this won’t be very much. We’ve gone through our schedules very carefully and it’s probably one or two weekdays a month. It’s really kind of them and we are very grateful but have been clear that if they are unable to help on these one or two days a month, we will just book annual leave.

Anyway my sister has started to say that the whole reason she became a SAHM was because she knew they would have no childcare available when they are working. I think she knows they are going to occasionally help us when we are working and this is her problem, and that she is going at the angle that it’s not fair. I am unable to see why it’s an issue tbh- on paper they live nearer and still spend loads more time with her DC and regularly have them overnight, and she has always expressed her wishes to be a SAHM and they are lucky enough that they can afford to live off a single income and have a very nice lifestyle at that. Lots of people’s dream, but maybe she’s not as happy doing it as she thought and is now feeling resentful that I’ll be returning to work? I really don’t know.

I have no idea what’s going on with her but it’s hurting my head trying to understand! Why else would she be bringing it up so much?

Ugh poor you. How nasty of her.

You have to just say, DSis please stop mentioning it. I’ll let you know if I need some support and want to talk about it. I don’t want to keep being reminded of it.

Yeah she's being nasty and smug. I'm a sahm and I'm under no illusions about how privileged I am.

Thank you. I almost don’t know if reminding her it’s getting to me makes her do it more though?

I think you might be on to something. Could you say something to draw attention to that - like "you know I don't want to leave x while I'm at work so what do you get out of bringing it up?" tp flag up that it's on her?

Is that what she would typically do??

This sounds like she's either gloating you have to go back or trying to manipulate you becayse of the childcare angle.

No point rising to it because OF COURSE she was only being sympathetic and supportive.

Tell her you're comfortable with your choices and are happy you've got the childcare covered and will be spending enough time with DC. Tel her there's no need to be so sympathetic, you're happy. Repeat.

Could she just be sort of processing what’s going on? She clearly isn’t entirely comfortable with the situation of her being a sahm and you going back to work. It may mean she feels insecure about the choice she has made herself.

She may well be jealous even if she is basically happy with her decision. But she may also fantasise about having a day out of the home away from kids and housework earning money, talking to adults, having a coffee in peace, getting her hair done at lunchtime....

I'd assume she wasn't entirely happy with her own situation, especially as being a SAHM in fact suits very few people longterm. Suggest she reconsiders.

After my first baby I was gutted to go back. Babies are amazing. I had my second 18 months later. I was at home with an 18 month old and a baby and I was desperate to go back to work and ended up returning when Mu second child was 9 months !
In my opinion after a child is one being at home with them full time is hard!!!!! Being home with a 20 month old or a 3 year old is exhausting. But a baby is marvelous !!!
my point is I am sure you will realize as your baby gets older they and you need work !

I now have a 20 month old and almost 4 year old and I absolutely love dropping that at nursery and going off to work.

She is clearly not happy to be like this to you. Envious maybe .

Has she always been such a bitch?

She’s probably worried your parents are going to give more time/help to your DC over hers. It’s not like your sister needs the help to work it’s a nice to have.

Or "DDIS, why do you keep mentioning it? Would you really like to work a bit yourself? "

Tell her to back off, you can handle it by yourself thanks very much. 🙄

Or you could turn it around and ask her how she can stand being at home all the time. Tell her you feel your brain would atrophy without the stimulation of work.

You're looking forward to a nice balance of life outside the home and family time.

Whenever my family keep going on about an issue they feel I should have resolved, despite my having explained i’m broke, I usually say ‘well I’ve already said I can’t afford it, but if you like to cover the costs I’d be fine with that and happy to go with your suggestion.’ Usually shuts them up.

Find some things about depression for SAHM, or how nursery stimulates the social skills of toddlers, or the close bond of grandchildren cared for by grandparents, and start sending them to her relentlessly.

Also have a stock supply of things to say like,"I'm so glad my identity won't become too mumsy" or, "aren't I lucky that our parents can provide childcare as you're always home so they make us first priority".

Unless, if course, she's likely to kick off and start a full on family rift.

Confront her head on. People hate that. Either say ‘you seem VERY invested in my future plans - are you jealous of me going back, or gloating that you don’t have to?’
I’m sorry but if she’s not reading the room despite you being very clear that you don’t want to talk about it, you’re going to have to be a bit more direct.

I‘m not sure she is ‘fortunate’ to be a SAHM. It drove me a bit bonkers, the isolation and mundanity of being with little children all day plus the expectation that you're the default cook and bottle washer because you're at home. Nah. Going back part time made me a better person and a better wife and mother. Ignore her little digs. You’re going to have the best of both worlds.