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My aunt and her local bar/restaurant

22 replies

GlassPerm · 08/06/2025 16:40

One of my aunts - I used to like her and I still do something there is something unfolding. She has gone somewhat quiet over the past 2/3 years. She stopped visiting my mother and there's no communication between them. I am guessing my aunt is pushing it back to my mother to make an effort, at a guess.

That's never going to happen. My mother has no awareness and she's not able to reflect and she can be anti social too and basically I wouldn't be surprised if dementia is happening too with her.

Thier relationship is nothing at this stage. They don't visit each other, they don't phone or write letters - nil.

My partner works in a bar/restaurant that is my aunt's local. Maybe about once a month or once every 2 months, I don't know - my aunt goes into the bar and they do the general chit chatting and casual chat stuff.

My partner keeps telling me this though. He says things like X was in and was requiring for ye (referring to me and my mother).

My issue is that I am sick of this and my partner being a middle man. My aunt and my mother - their communication together has completely died and my partner is being used a middle man. There is no need to ask him how we are when they have a phone and speak to each other.

I am thinking about contacting the aunt and telling her to f off and leave my partner out from whatever sort of relationship failure she has with her sister.

What do you think

OP posts:
Saz12 · 08/06/2025 16:52

If your aunt and mum have fallen out, that doesn't mean your aunt has any issue with you.

So what if she's asking after you, which is just polite small talk... "how's your family" type chat. It doesn't mean she's asking DP to be a go between, she's just talking with him.

Jellybean23 · 08/06/2025 16:54

Can't you just ask your partner to stop mentioning that he's seen/spoken with your aunt? Your reaction seems out of all proportion. It's quite normal to ask after people in this way. I don't understand why you are so angry with her.

TheAutumnCrow · 08/06/2025 16:55

Saz12 · 08/06/2025 16:52

If your aunt and mum have fallen out, that doesn't mean your aunt has any issue with you.

So what if she's asking after you, which is just polite small talk... "how's your family" type chat. It doesn't mean she's asking DP to be a go between, she's just talking with him.

I think this a fair point of view and a fair question from @Saz12, OP. Does it resonate at all?

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AgathaX · 08/06/2025 16:57

You're getting wound up over polite small talk that happens every month or two?
Why?
Just accept it for what it is.

AgnesX · 08/06/2025 16:59

So your aunt asks after you? Sounds pretty standard if she's talking about you. It's your mother and aunt's relationship that's gone pear shaped not yours.

If you don't want any kind of relationship with her then just tell your partner that..

Sirzy · 08/06/2025 17:01

I think it would be odd if she didn’t check in how everyone was when she was talking to a family member!

why don’t you go down and have a talk to her?

pinkdelight · 08/06/2025 17:03

He says things like X was in and was requiring for ye (referring to me and my mother).

What does 'requiring for ye' mean? Does she want something specific? Or is she just asking after you? She's still your aunt regardless of her relationship (or lack of it) with your mum, and it's perfectly normal for her to chat with her niece's partner about family things in a social setting like a bar. I think you'd be way OTT dramatic telling her to f off. It sounds like something people do in a soap opera not real life. Just let her get on with it and if it bothers you so much, tell your partner you don't want to hear about it.

RareGoalsVerge · 08/06/2025 17:10

Of course she'll ask after you. If you DP doesn't see much of your mum then he can honestly say he doesn't know, but he can let her know that you are doing fine. Aren't you in touch with your aunt independently from your mum? I only have quite sporadic contact with my aunts and uncles but I wouldn't be affected by a fall-out between one of them and one of my parents because I'm a grown adult and can maintain my own social bonds with the people who are important to me, and I don't worry about those who aren't.

blacksax · 08/06/2025 17:21

I'm quite sure your partner can easily handle this without causing any further familial fall-outs.

And how come you aren't prepared to maintain contact with your aunt - what has she done to make you want to reject her?

HeddaGarbled · 08/06/2025 17:31

I am thinking about contacting the aunt and telling her to f off

That would be shockingly aggressive and unnecessary.

Here’s a more normal approach: don’t do or say anything.

GlassPerm · 08/06/2025 17:35

My issue is that if she wants to know about me she can contact me. She has my number and my socials and she can contact me and not through my partner. She hasn't contacted me.

OP posts:
Saz12 · 08/06/2025 17:40

It sounds like you're really angry with her. She's just making casual chat, not grilling your dp about your every move. Were the two of you in touch often before she fell out with yr mum?

Pollqueen · 08/06/2025 18:03

It sounds like she's asking after you as polite chit chat, which is perfectly normal. Your reaction however is not normal

GlassPerm · 08/06/2025 18:12

She has my number. She can contact me directly but she won't and instead doing it through my partner

OP posts:
Sirzy · 08/06/2025 18:25

Have you contacted her?

Minnie798 · 08/06/2025 18:28

It's just something most people do - polite chit chat. I find your reaction to this strange.

Rinkali · 08/06/2025 18:31

She’s not really asking after you. Just like my hairdresser doesn’t really care where I’m going on holiday, and the bloke in the coffee shop doesn’t really care whether I have a good day.

PiggieWig · 08/06/2025 18:36

Yeah, sounds like small talk to me too. I often ask people about their family when I bump into them.

You say you like her and don’t know what the conflict is between her and your mum but you seem pretty hostile towards her. What’s that about?

Roseshavethorns · 08/06/2025 18:39

It sounds like she is just a normal person interacting with an acquaintance in her local bar. As she knows who your partner is and that he has a connection with your family I would find it incredibly rude if she didn't ask how you are. It's probably just a "tell GlassPerm I said hello" type of scenario rather than an in-depth interview regarding your life and choices.
Unless there is a huge backstory then I think you are completely over-reacting.

SophiaSW1 · 08/06/2025 18:41

It’s just polite chit chat. It’s not really a big thing

Leeds2 · 08/06/2025 19:26

Usually, when I meet someone who I know, I ask about their family. Just out of politeness really. Same way I always ask my friends about their children every time we meet! So, I would probably think the aunt is just being polite and she may think it is a "safe" topic to talk about with your partner if she thinks she should say something more than hello, but doesn't really know anything else about him.
Or, maybe, contact the aunt yourself and meet up with her to talk about family news etc. I wouldn't personally tell her to F off, as from what you have said I don't think her behaviour merits it.

pinkdelight · 08/06/2025 20:14

GlassPerm · 08/06/2025 18:12

She has my number. She can contact me directly but she won't and instead doing it through my partner

I think you misunderstand. It's her local bar/restaurant. She chats to your partner because he's there. She asks after you because that's what you have in common. She isn't going there on a secret operation to find out info about you. She's having normal conversations, not investigating you behind your back. She doesn't need to contact you any more than I need to contact everyone who I chat about in the local. And it's a good job she doesn't want to contact you as it sounds like you'd be rude to her.

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