When do you know its time to go see your loved one for perhaps the last time. Esp if overseas

[Enko]

Trying to keep this short. (Sorry I failed)

My dad had a fall early May. Was left on the floor for 3 days before he was found. Was in hospital then a rehabilitation centre returning home Wednesday with help. Today I was told he has had another fall and is back in hospital not intensive but high level with raised kidney numbers.

I didn't go back when he had the fall as dh on the same day was diagnosed with a blot clot in his leg (turned out to be Cellulitis) dh has beeen really sick and is still not well. In a lot of pain and steuggles to walk.

On same day my maternal aunt was also blue lighted to hospital with a blodclot in her lung. Earned her a week of artificial coma. She is now a lot better.

I live in the UK my dad (and aunt) are in Denmark.

For those of you who have been in similar situations. How did you know it was time to go see them?. Money is tight. I cant afford an additional trip but nor can I afford to not see my dad.. I dont really know what to do. I dont know if its time to go or if I should wait it out.

My mum died 10 years ago but it was sudden. I never got to say bye. Stepdad is still alive. Parents divorced..

I just dont know what to do.. how do you know its time to go?

This is really tricky and 21 years ago I had a similar situation with my grandmother - I had a call from my dad to say that grandmother is predicted not to last long so I let work know and jump on a flight and rush home - we all visit with her ( big Irish family) but she rallied and this happened 3 more times over the next 2/3 years where I was told “this is it this time” I went back 2 more times to say my goodbyes but the last time I was about to give birth and didn’t go and then she actually did die and so I missed saying goodbye and her funeral so really difficult for us all (especially for my parents who felt that I was the only grandchild not to be there for the end and for her funeral) anyway - my advice is to go because even if it isn’t the end you don’t regret seeing them (and even more for a parent than a grandparent I think) and if it is the end you will be so glad to have seen them

For me it's always time to go not just if I think something would happen

Thats the ideal situation but life can make different choices for you. I have to consider rent and food on the table too.

Thank you. I made it back to 1 aunts funeral. Not 3 of my uncles & 1 aunt.. i feel ok about that but yes this is different its my dad.

I spoke with my sister this morning. He is ok. She would like me to come over but not because he is on his last legs but because she understandably is exhausted. However I dont know if I can leave dh who is only just hopping around at home. He has not been outside since early may bar in our court yard.

Our brother has actuallly offered to come help (unheard off he doesnt do this)

I still dont know what to do but I am calmer dad is not on his last legs so to speak

Freaking furious he has laid on the floor for 2 days when he was meant to have home help twice a day. And spend a good while reassuring my sister that she was not to blame when she had called and was told they had been.

I really empathise with your situation. My family is in NZ, and I'm in the UK.

I've done one emergency trip (Mum survived, thankfully, but I was there three months, caring for her), and DH has done one for his Mum (sadly, she died, but he got to spend lots of time with her and say goodbye). We're still recovering financially from those.

Is there any way your family could assist you financially to get home? That way you can be there for them, and with them.

Is your husband now alright to manage on his own?

But if you can't go, you can't go - all you can do is give all the support you can from where you are, and try not to suffocate in frustration and guilt.

I think you go and say goodbye in your heart 'just in case'. It's worth one last time of seeing them. It may happen several times, these goodbyes, but at least you have the peace that you got to see them that last time. It's also better to go when they're not so sick that they don't know you're there, but if you have a chance to speak and say what you want to, and express your love while they're conscious, it's worth a lot.

@mbosnz I am not sure if dh is ok to manage. He would claim he was but I think the inflammation is getting worse after the change of antibiotics. I told him today we are taking him to gp tomorrow again. (3rd visit each time earned him a trip to A&E) 4 A&W trips in total. He hasn't been outside of our house for a month bar those visits.

Finances are a serious concern the last 3 years have been tough and lockdown didnt help. I feel like there is no break for us.

The draw to go back is strong but looking after my immediate family here is equally strong..

I dont think anyone can understand unless they have hours worth of travel that cant be done without a ticket of some sort between thrm and their loved ones.

I just dont know what to do for the best of everyone.

From what you've just said, with the best will in the world, right now, you simply cannot go. I'm so sorry for the heartache and guilt you will be feeling.