My mother threatens to commit suicide as a method of control

[Daisychain185]

Just that really. She threatens to kill himself to get the rest of the family to do what she wants, e.g. she wants us all to move back to the city she lives in as she's lonely. My sister and I live in another town by the sea. We have suggested she moves here to see us regularly but she says she doesn't like the sea. I said would you rather kill yourself than move to our town and she said yes. She won't do anything to help herself. She has plenty of money and could easily move. She has been sectioned before and a history of depression. I don't know how to deal with this. We have all become desensitised to her threats of self harm. I still worry that one day she will go through with it. Has anyone else been in this situation, any advice?

Very sorry for what you’re going through op. I know I sound harsh, and I haven’t had the same experience but I grew up with an addict parent and I think the same coping mechanism applies, distance yourself. You can’t make people change, get happy, make the right choices- step away for your sanity and don’t think you can have any actual impact of how they behave.

I'd distance myself from her as much as possible. You already know she does it to control.

'Mother, you'll have no daughters left if you keep up with these manipulative threats. We are not moving back there. If you continue to behave like this, we will be cutting contact with you'.

Any self harm is entirely her own choice. Don't let her bully you. If she ever says she's done/doing something then don't reply, simply call her and ambulance and let them deal with her.

Don't negotiate with emotional terrorists.

That’s very sad. She’s your mother, of course you care and don’t want her to ever go through with it. But it sounds like the result of that means you have to regularly take on the emotional burden of someone intentionally emotionally blackmailing you for attention, with little regard to its effect on you.

As such, I think reducing contact with her is reasonable, to protect your own mental health. It is very sad and of course you love her, she is your mother, but she is intentionally saddling you with all this pain and worry on a regular basis without holding back to protect your feelings. You have to protect them yourself and look after your own mental health by getting a bit of emotional distance.

Say you will contact the Crisis Team & mean it.

My Dad has had lifelong mental health issues and has attempted suicide a few times. He sometimes says he’s going to do it nowadays but realistically, what can we do? They’re adults and if they want to do it, they will.

As others have said, you need to emotionally distance yourself. When my Dad says such things, I tell him that I’m sorry to hear this and let him get his troubles off his chest. He’s being monitored by his doctor so further medical intervention isn’t needed. I’m not derailing my life to please him as like you, I’m afraid that I’m desensitized to his drama. Your Mum could move closer to you, it’s her decision not to.

My mum used to do that. I ignored it which was really difficult and it made me feel dreaful at the time. I ignored most of her phone calls because I didnt want to talk to her. I was young and did not need that pressure.
Ultimately it is your mothers choice to act like that and its not your responsibility. The sad thing is that when she was diagnosed with cancer, all she wanted to do was love. She died 20 ago and I really dont miss her. All I remember is the threats. Sad really.

I had this, eventually I just cut her off, she’d done a lot of things, stealing etc and had a lot of problems, alcoholic etc but the thing that was just the worst was the constant threats of suicide and harm, it is the most mentally exhausting thing to deal with so you have my sympathy. If you don’t want to distance yourself, as a pp said I’d ring the crisis team each time.

My mother used to do that, it escalated when I was single and pregnant, living some distance away which was awful. I called the Police who did a Welfare Check. The second time it happened the Police, according to my mum, gave her and my dad a telling off. It didn't happen again.

Edit: this was in the late 70s so procedures might have changed.

My grandmother did this. Or grandfather did it on her behalf. Her sister had actually done it so it carried a horrific weight.

I wish, with all my heart, that my lovely mum had cut both of them off and spared herself decades of threats, regret, pain, disappointment, guilt, utter miserable fucking trauma and heartache.

Of course my gran never did kill herself, she lived to a grand old age dishing out verbal abuse and unpleasantness to as many people as possible.

You can’t reason with people who behave like this. I would free yourself of her and her unforgivable blackmail and I’m so sorry she’s not the mum you deserve 💐

Yes, call the police to do a welfare check every time she threatens it.

@Apal Mentally exhausting is the right phrase, you think “oh not again” and then feel guilty for feeling that way.

This, the level of selfishness and controlling behaviour from some people is awful.
So self centered, expecting everyone to be so concerned and centre them, whilst clearly not giving a fuck about their behaviour upsets everyone else!