Anyone else feel like they're just doing life wrong

[ReacherOMGyes]

I'm 43, single and live alone and I'm just bloody deeply unhappy most of the time.

I lived abroad for many years and had an urge I wanted to come home to see more of my family, moved back a few years ago and everything just seems to have gone wrong since.

I struggled to get a decent job, then covid hit (ok I know this affected everyone) Mid covid my dad died, left us all devastated. My mum had to sell her family home cos it was just too much on her own, the place was our families hub for decades. I split with my LTP 3 years ago, I started an office affair with my (married) manager which of course turned into a shit show and very much regret it.

I now have a decent job and my own place, but I just feel so unhappy and like I'm just doing something very wrong or not in the right place. I now feel stuck cos I have a mortgage, not a lot of spare cash so can't do a lot and freinds that all have partners so I don't see them often.

I've had therapy numerous time with different therapists, been to the docs who said I'm not peri, made acquaintances through groups, but I just feel like something is missing. Maybe I'm not good at being single, but the thought of meeting a guy makes me recoil a bit tbh

Anyone else? Any tips, I'm open to suggestions and slatings. Maybe I need a good virtual slap

I feel the same...but oddly enough about work. Every job seems a bit wrong....every person I chat to gets moved on rather than remain a decent link for future roles...others seem to sail up the ranks...My only suggestion is that it isn't you, perhaps it is just life.

It sounds to me as if you've just had a rocky time and had some difficult experiences, some of your own choosing, some absolutely not, and you're probably feeling a bit bruised.

But another way of looking at things would be that you've got a good job and your own home, and you're free, healthy and in a good position to look around you and think about the kind of life you want now. The recoil at the idea of meeting someone is telling you something, and you should probably listen to it.

Don't dismiss meeting new people, u never know what's round the corner. Life is short, find pleasure in the smallest things, nature/outdoors/birdsong/sunshine is very healing. Make most of it.

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I feel like this sometimes too. I do have some real positives in my life (a lovely daughter, good friends, a job I adore) but my romantic life and my finances are utter disaster zones + and I am a good few years older than you OP!

I find it helps not to compare myself to others too much. Comparison really is the thief of joy. I try to focus on the positives. I keep a gratitude journal - I know it sounds SO wanky, but it really helps me! Otherwise the waters of my self pity would rise up and drown me.....

Good luck, OP. Keep on keeping on. Sometimes one day at a time is all you can do.....

Thanks for all the replies.

I know I should count my blessings as to what I do have and not dwell on what I don't. I'm not one for comparing my life to others, I'm child free by choice, still a bit of a tomboy and never felt I quite fitted the 'norm' anyway.

I made a big decision to come back home cos of what I missed about my family and my home, and within months the world was turned upside down. I don't feel like it's quite righted itself yet and probably never will, I just have times when this off-kilter new world of mine seems so wrong to me.

I'm probably not making sense now, I just don't know what direction to turn in or what to do to find some peace

So are you now spending more time with the family you came home to see more often? Is that even a thing now?
Is your mum's new place becoming the hub? Can your place be the new hub?
Aside from family, what were other reasons you moved back from abroad? Are those still valid? How are you enjoying them?
In general, it seems like COVID had a big impact on your life and it's normal that you would need a few years to turn things back in the right direction so maybe hang in there a little longer.

It sounds like you’ve been through an awful lot and your life has turned upside down. Even returning home after living overseas for many years is an adjustment, let alone everything else you’ve been through.

I’m a similar age and also single and no children - currently living abroad. Happy if you ever want to chat.

I think this is a big part of it, I became conscious of missing time with my aging parents, hence the move, and within a year one of them was gone. I won't go into it but it involved covid restrictions and it was horrific for all of us.
I spend a lot of time with mum, but she's found things understandably hard. Plus a sibling has now moved away with all their family so our unit is now pretty small, my DB, SIL and their two DC. We don't get together like we used to but still see eachother often

Like you say I think it's just taking time to adjust to this new smaller life I now have

It is difficult at any age, in any situation to adjust to the shrinking of one's world.
You know when that is, in some cases you don't get out as much as you know you used to, you don't even want to get out.
That's when sadness takes over and loneliness sets in.

I can put myself in your position so easily just by listening to what you have said.
Your DM's life was turned upside down when your DF died.
Suddenly her home wasn't the happy hub of family gathering that it had always been.
Your sibling and family moved away and that would make the world seem smaller for you all.
It changes the dynamics, it is sad and disorienting.
Is there any way you would be able, or be comfortable stepping up and creating a hub of your own where your family would be happy gathering together and feeling that special happiness and safety that can only be found within close-knit families?
Wishing you well OP; life can be so difficult sometimes, but not often is it impossible to make better.

Thank you for your kind words 🙏

I'd love to be able to host my family and be that hub, but unfortunately my finances only let me buy a small second floor flat that's not quite got the room. I think mum would like to but she's lost a bit of confidence in doing these things, my dad was the organiser. Also my sibling that's moved was also an organiser and their house was the hub for a little while, not that's gone too.

I just need to keep adjusting and trying to make things better

I hear you @ReacherOMGyes .
I was in a similar situation myself, everything turned topsy turvy and things were pretty grim for quite a while.
I had never considered myself the hub of the family, just one who was grateful to enjoy being part of it all.
You sound like a lovely person OP, loving and kind, and considerate of the feelings of your DM.
I can believe that her confidence was knocked back, maybe, in time, and with help, she'll be able to assume her family role again.
You'll find a way; might not be perfect but you'll likely try ♥️

So sorry to hear your change of circumstances. I can understand how moving back seems like a raw deal. Are all of you traveling to see DSib and family or are they coming back to visit?
For now, it would seem smaller but potentially it could build up/morph into something new. I think about moving back to my old world (the new world, actually) from time to time but DCs are still school aged.