Anyone up for a chat? Feeling a bit lonely.

[RibenaToothkind]

Hello,

I'm currently going through (hopefully coming to the end of legal stuff) of s divorce. It was my choice, due to his alcohol use and he was covertly controlling and a little emotionally abusive.

I find myself feeling quite lonely, and struggling to reach out to people. I have a lovely group of friends who helped me see that there were issues in the relationship but I don't hear much from them now. I moved out last October and I wonder if they think that now I'm out I'm all OK now.

The truth is, now that I'm out and in a peaceful home, I'm processing things that went on in the relationship and realising how bad it was. It's like grief! After everything they did for me and listened to last year I don't feel like I can put more on people emotionally, they must be worn out.

I guess it would be nice to hear from anyone who's gone through the divorce and grief process and is out the other end.

I'm divorced and remarried. My husband cheated and it came as a complete shock. I was very naive. Met my now DH about 14 months after we split. I was very wary and we took things very slowly. Long story short we've now been together 21 years and married for 5. My life is so much happier than it would've been if I had stayed with my ex. With the benefit of time and hindsight I can see he was actually emotionally abusive but love is blind etc etc.

I went through a grieving process. I thought my life was over. I look at Jim now and wonder what I ever saw in him. It's still very fresh for you and it takes time. My advice is not rush into anything and be kind to yourself.

Not Jim 🥴. HIM

Thanks. It sounds like things have worked out so well for you, that's wonderful, it gives me hope!

It's strange because there have been periods where I feel good, so this slump has hit me hard. Right now I feel pretty hopeless and just like I'm keeping going for the kids. I do think it'll pick up though.

Hi I have been through similar (while heavily pregnant!)
It's so sad and such a lonely time. I also think when the breakup happens you get lots of attention but then that filters away, people get busy again etc,
I would try and find new things that bring you joy- try someone new like paddle boarding or lifting weights or book a trip or do a cooking course

Try and find a single mum friend to do Stuff with the kids with like theme park or even holiday plans it makes it so much more fun for everyone

I'm twenty + years divorced and so content. I never wanted to get married again nor have a relationship and put everything into my children, family, friends and work. It paid off for me. There are times when I feel alone but I often felt lonely when I was married. I am independent and happy in myself. Know that sometimes you will feel sad but that will pass.

I love the idea of this! I'm not close to any single mums and I'm the first of my peers to divorce so I feel like a bit of an outlier.
I think my fantasy holiday would be with some lovely single mums with kids similar ages to mine where we all bumble along and support each other.

The truth is, now that I'm out and in a peaceful home, I'm processing things that went on in the relationship and realising how bad it was. It's like grief!

I used to daydream about life without my husband in it, his behaviour towards me killed any love I had for him stone dead. So I couldn't understand why I was so upset when he left but I think it was a mixture of needing to grieve for what should have been, the big change and probably some trauma bonding.

It has taken me a few years to process what I went through with him. As he rewrote our history to suit his narrative, I had to too, to realise that what had been my norm was a lot of manipulation and the usual pattern of abuse.

It was when I started to see his behaviour for what it was that I became afraid of him, more so than I ever had been when we were together and there were some seriously scary times then.

If I were you @RibenaToothkind , I'd go with the flow of how you're feeling, take it easy, don't rush yourself to do anything you're not ready for, but equally it's good to take yourself outside of your comfort zone from time to time, even if it's just going to a different branch of your usual supermarket.

It makes sense for you to seek others to speak to about this, sometimes those who haven't experienced abuse aren't always very understanding, understandably so, but sometimes that lack of understanding can end up making us feel even worse.

You will get there, there will be highs and lows until you're on a more even keel, but you'll get there. Lots of us here have been through similar, there's always someone about

@ScraptionoftheCost that resonates so much with me. I feel like I'm just pieceing things together. And he has been telling his family and friends that I left him for no reason so I feel like I want to reclaim the narrative.

I'm remembering so many things he said and did that were low level covert emotional abuse, and I feel broken right now, like how did I let it happen to me?

I had one friend who said she didn't understand why I was scared of him, when he hadn't been physically abusive to me. That hit me hard and was really invalidating. I think she meant it as an empowering statement that I should be braver.

@RibenaToothkind my Women's Aid support worker, and I've heard it elsewhere since, said emotional abuse can be worse than physical abuse in that it totally fucks with your head, you can't think straight, your reality is skewed and we can often end up with physical symptoms and lifelong conditions. Those who don't understand are fortunate, obviously, but some of what they say can be thoughtless at best, victim blaming at worst, although it's not always intended to be so. You work out who your friends are at times like this

When we are in such relationships the person keep our minds filled with them constantly so we don't have the headspace to be able to see their behaviour with clarity, it's not until we are free that the fog starts to lift.

I too felt, and still feel, why on earth did I let him get away with that? I'm a strong person, I was standing up for myself, so I thought, but looking back I really had no choice about anything. Any choices I did make were the ones he wanted me to.

@ScraptionoftheCost it really does feel like a fog lifting. I am not the bravest or most assertive person which somehow makes me feel even worse, that I caused it all by not being strong enough.
I feel like some friends have implied that I should have just stood up to him more and I'm honestly not sure why I didn't, so that makes me feel even worse, like I'm having to explain myself all over again..and I spent years over explaining to my ex.

It feels now like I have all this mental space and it's honestly so weird. In some ways it's liberating but it's also like, "now what?". I don't want to go back to him, but I'm struggling to fit into my new life.

If such a big change wasn't enough, we also have to process the headfuckery we have been put through, it's little wonder you're feeling as you do @RibenaToothkind . Have you had any support from Women's Aid or similar? They get it. They often have meet ups for women moving forward from their previous lives, it might be worth trying your local branch to see if they have anything like that going on just now.

which somehow makes me feel even worse, that I caused it all by not being strong enough

No. Absolutely not. The reason he treated you the way he did was because he isn't strong enough. Strong people don't bully or abuse. It's their insecurity that has them wanting you to be 'lower' than them.

I should have just stood up to him more and I'm honestly not sure why I didn't

I look back at some of the events I went through with my ex and wonder why I reacted, or didn't, the way I did. It would be very different now, because I have had a few years away from him and I have become myself again - regained the strength that was always in there. We are trained from day one not to stand up to them. From day one.

As I said, fortunate are those who don't understand. Those who just spout 'advice' to make themselves feel better for having offered it and in so doing choose not to listen to you, it's not unreasonable to distance yourself if you feel worse after having spent time with them.

Over explaining yourself is part of the abuse. One of my regrets is how much I shared with him, right from the start, but they make you trust them; you think you can share your deepest and darkest, which sets you up nicely for the "but, but, buts ..." you'll be doing for the following however many years.

It is not your fault @RibenaToothkind , it never was. If it was yours it was mine too and all the other people who have been and are going through the same experiences. It is only ever the abusers who choose to abuse. They may have had a hard childhood, millions of us have but millions of us don't go on to abuse those we are supposed to love and cherish. He chooses to behave the way he does. He knows right from wrong. If he didn't your friends would have seen what you experienced.

Divorce is a process of grief/loss I found. I think the early days were lonely. Therapy helped me massively. I kept my circle small and found who I could trust. A few years on I’m with someone new but my priorities are my family and my work. I take the children abroad once a year on my own and have realised I don’t need someone to hold my hand in life.

Thank you for all the replies.

I just feel totally invisible. I've been through a huge life change and the people who were apparently worried about me and were so sure that Id have a lovely life of freedom withput my ex have all retreated back to their comfortable married/partnered lives.

I know this is a transition phase, and I'll look back on this in a few years and laugh, but I feel so lost and unseen right now.

I'd be surprised if you do laugh when you look back @RibenaToothkind . there's nothing funny about it. People can say stuff that they think you want to hear, that makes them think they've been supportive, but in reality most folk take the easiest option for them.

Have you thought about reaching out to Women's Aid or the like for a bit of support? You might think you don't need them at this stage but you do still have to process what you have been and are going through and they are very understanding. They'll be able to point you in the right direction at the very least

@ScraptionoftheCost I was thinking about that. It would be nice if there was a support group or something, even just a few sessions might make me feel less alone.
Thank you for the replies. I really appreciate them.