Grumpy husbands of very old friends who can't make an effort anymore

[Holluschickie]

Tell me if I am being unreasonable even though this is not in AIBU ( because that's a scary place)!

I have a group of 4 friends from uni, whom I have known forever. I have also known their husbands forever. Two were in uni with me. We are all in our fifties. All our kids know each other and we visit each other's homes, though we are scattered, so some visits are maybe only twice a year.

Lately when visiting these friends, I have noticed at least 3 of the husbands simply can't be bothered to make an effort. No chit-chat, no asking after the kids, no asking after my work or DH's work. Just monosyllabic answers, mostly when looking at a phone, then quickly excusing themselves. One husband has gone very snide and sarky. One was visiting London, and DH and I took him out to dinner and a show, but didnt't so much as get a text to say thanks.

My own DH has also become something of a unsociable person in his fifties, but he will make a huge effort with my friends, ask after their kids, their work, their elderly parents etc etc. Isn't this just basic politeness with very old friends?

As you get older you get less tolerant of doing things you don't want to do. I would say these men don't see you as their friends but their wife's friends and they can't be bothered making an effort.

But one of the husbands was happy to accept generous hospitality from the OP.

He's not grumpy, he's an arse.

My BIL is like this. We had what should have been a lovely BBQ in London recently. But I kept noticing that whenever my very polite 21DS tried to engage BIL in conversation, he would literally give him one sentence answers and then just shut down the conversation (he is mid-50s).

Male wanker is how I should describe him!

Yes it’s rude, though sounds like they see you more as their wife’s friend than theirs regardless of the background (often happens I think!). Still rude though. And they should make more of an effort. Not sure why men in general seem to think this is socially acceptable. Just thank your lucky stars you’re married to someone who isn’t like this.

Exactly this.

It's the great thing about getting older. You stop giving a shit about what other people think and stop forcing yourself to make a pretence of enjoying things you don't for the sake of appearances.

Can't see the issue with people showing they are comfortable in their own skins, especially when they are sat in their own homes.

If you find it rude, just ignore them and don't bother trying to engage. They'll probably be grateful for that approach themselves.

I have two long term friends. Friend1 over 40 years & friend2 over 30 years. I met friend2 through friend1 as they were in college together.
Roll on many decades & all 3 of us are married, and for a time met up regularly as couples. Then DH of friend1 took offence with DH of friend2 & refused to meet up again. Result: we 3 ladies meet without DHs a few times a year. Friend2 & her DH meet separately with me & my DH. It’s not how we probably imagined our group friendship would have ended up, but we just try & make the best of it and at least now when we meet up, everyone is engaged & chatty.

Sorry completely forgot to return to this.
Yes, I think the men have put me in a box marked " Wife's friend" or " Middle aged woman" and just cba.
I wont bother making an effort now either.