Making friends later in life not sporty

[Enko]

I have found as my children have slowly (almost) flown the nest many of my friends have moved. 2 close friends have sadly died.

Ive realised I would like a bigger friend circle.

I do not want to take up a sport before that gets suggested. (I am not sporty and the times Ive tried this it has been unpleasant)I also do not want to take on a volunteer role. My job is hectic and time consuming and the time I have off I want for myself.

Ive additionally not got a lot of spare cash so I cant afford to go off on courses.

I have tried local book groups and while they are entertaining they have not let to any friendships. (I continue to attened though as it is somewhere to go once a month w other people)

I looked at gofriendly app but noone near me (In SE not the middle of nowhere)

I am not a regular.church goer but do go at times.

Local WI mostly meets during the day and I cant manage that due to work.

Where else can I look.

I miss having a friend (group) to meet for a coffee. Or someone to have a what's app chat with. I like crafting and crochet and knit. Can also embroider but again stuff like that near me is all during the day.

I am mid 50s seems a long time to go before I have daytimes off.

Am I asking too much

Ps I loathe gardening please dont suggest that direction

I'd pursue the choir option.
Community choirs are usually just for fun, with no auditions so it doesn't matter what your voice is like.
Many other choirs don't audition. It's quite normal for your voice to drop as you get older, particularly if you haven't sung for a while. What about dropping down a voice part - singing alto or even tenor gives you a bit more of a challenge.

I think you need to rethink how friendship works. You're against most common methods of meeting people leaving you very few options. You then don't properly commit or preserve with any of the few remaining options, so other members are going to view you as flakey and not worth time investment. No one's going to ask a flake who doesn't initiate to go for coffee. Pick something, go every week for 4 months and ask people from the group to meet up outside the group for coffee.

I havent done that until this one book I did not want to read. Ive been going for 7 months to 2 bookclubs a month and it has not lead to anything. Neither group seem to want to expand beyond talking about the book.

We moved somewhere brand new and rural and I found that once I had made a couple of friends (on the train commute… we kept spotting each other on the platform and on the train so just got chatting and then bringing snacks and wine to share!) the circle kept widening. The key was to put lots of effort into doing sociable things regularly. Lots of invites to them for drinks, dinner, walks and then met their friends and then invites to more things and then met their friends etc etc.

Getting a dog was the biggest boost to my friends group. We have a nearby beach so kept seeing the same people each day and again just got chatting on the walk. Now they are some of my closest friends. Anything similar near you? Dog not needed, just appearing at the same ish time, but it helps as a good excuse and a common talking topic!

Also I pitch up to the local bar frequently for a few glasses of wine alone and got chatting with others who’ve ended up friends too.

Ask on your local town Facebook groups about crochet and knitting clubs

Community choir, crafts, lots of alternatives to wi, call around larger churches as not only have groups but rent their facilities to others

Btw not singing well isn’t a barrier to most choirs, ability to be sociable at the pub after is more important

Agree with this.
And through the choir, after a long while, you'll meet more and more people. You'll meet someone who's in a crafting group and someone who's in a birding group and someone who organises charity events etc etc

Did you read my post,? Im not against meeting people I am actually trying. however what is the point in going to something you wont enjoy or are unable to do? It will not lead to friendships as you wil stick out like a sore thumb as someone who is a downer.

I cannot attend daytime events as I work and I cant afford expensive courses (I live in Kent btw so premium rate for most things) at the moment keeping a house above our head and food on the table takes presidence to paying expensive club fees.

I go to the gym regularly (last 2 years) I get recognised by other regulars they smile and nod and that is our social interaction. Book clubs ( 2 a month and Ive been going 7months) friendly happy to talk about the book thats it.. I dont think you can claim I dont peesevere because I decided 1 book was not for me. Ive read several books that I didnt care for and had enjoyable discussions about it.

l asked on here to get ideas I had not considered.

Women’s circles offer connection, and are great places to meet friends

Volunteer - won’t cost you anything other than the transport to get you there. We have a community group which takes people to appointments & has social activities, as a volunteer you’ll be called a youngster the whole time and meet other people who are just presenting as themselves.

You could volunteer at park run on Saturday mornings and never have run a single meter but you’d get to know lots of different people. Junior parkrun on Sunday mornings starts later if that is more appealing.

Any local museums which have volunteers on the desk? Again you’d meet people at no cost to yourself.

I hear you on the choir thing. However I will admit personal reluctance due to the fact I used to be a good singer hearing my own voice now makes me unhappy.

I have asked on a local facebook group about any knit/crochet groups in the evening and craft type /board games too.

I am also rethinking the bridge club as they have changed their membership fees to about half it was when I last looked. Will likely mean their duplicates are more but as that is spread over the year thats more doable.

@pontivex we have a dog and I have met people to talk with when we walk him. However none Ive thought to ask to have a coffee with. D dog however has made loads of canine friends and as he is a uncommon breed many recognise him.

Not heard of this will 100% look it up.

Scottish country dance - can be as energetic or relaxed as you wish. Very sociable. Many groups and classes in the south east. Check here or here for information

My mum joined a local ladies social group - they meet for coffee weekly but also do days/evenings out together, it's been great for her. She's recently been in hospital and now she's home, the ladies are popping in to see her and it's really kept her spirits up! Is there a local Facebook ladies group you could join?

Is there a reason why you are not making friends via work? Does work encourage people to do stuff outside the day to day role? I have made loads of friends (some very close friends) through work.

Outside of work I think it's difficult (I live in London) and am not convinced hobbies lead to friendships. I swim regularly and see the same faces over and over but never do any of us suggest a coffee. I do however notice the water aerobics people having coffees together.

I think whatever activity you do needs to have space to talk.

Why not start a Facebook group called 50+ ladies meet up for unsporting types locally and once there are a few in the group suggest a coffee meet up.

If you haven’t found anything locally already why not start it yourself?

The community garden project sounds lovely. But sadly I'm not really able bodied enough to be much use to them! My gardening is very low effort and my garden is a terrace!

You're right about pub quizzes. I'm actually rather good on some subjects. 'general knowledge' lol. I went on weakest link once!

The wetherspoons near me only have very drunk pensioners who look like they might be Farage supporters. Not that I don't sometimes talk to them but I'd say friendship hasn't quite blossomed in that arena!

Thank you for your suggestions x

@Enkosuggest meeting for a walk at a particular place and time and then getting a coffee or lunch afterwards somewhere dog friendly. I must have made 6 or 7 really good friends that way!
other times I’ve been very strategic at ensuring I bump into them often and then suggesting a coffee or wine afterwards once it’s clear we get on.

Im in my 50s and have made friends in their 20s, 30’s, same ish age and those well into retirement which is lovely.

One lady I used to see every so often booked a big table at a local bar one evening and invited all the women she saw regularly on dog beach walks. Everyone turned up and we had a whale of a time! We do it regularly. You’ll be surprised at the positive reaction and you could even be the organiser!

Just to support you, I have also found this with book clubs. I persevered for a long time, but everyone just wanted the monthly meeting about the book and that was it, so it's not just you!

I think it helps to think of what kind of person you would like in your life, and think about what kinds of things they might be doing, or activities they might be engaged in.

Any sort of community group or volunteering.

There are groups round here that do litter picking which is very much a drop in as an when people can, organised via FB

Local charity shop, volunteer with any of the youth organisations Guides, Scouts etc

So right. I just KNOW I’m not gonna meet my kind of person at choir group or knitting circle or even an earnest book club!

Have you considered Rotary? There will certainly be at least one group near you. Each is different, but they all run or help voluntarily with local events, and organise fundraising, with the proceeds distributed to various charities. Now far removed from the old fashioned men-only dining club it used to be!

I hadnt actually but my aunt is an active member of Inner wheel in her country (though active is relative she is in her 80s but in good health). I will admit I thought you got invited to Rotary not somewhere you can just show up.