How do I stop being a doormat?

[ToldoRasa]

I've realised in my 40s that I am a doormat and have been one since childhood. I desperately want to break this pattern but am finding it so hard.

I apologise for everything, even things other people do. Yesterday, someone barged into me and I apologised as a default reaction. I apologise profusely to my landlord for asking for basic repairs and I delay asking even though I pay extortionate rent.

Colleagues ask me to do jobs that aren't my responsibility and I just do it. I hate confrontation.

I am a 'target' for people asking for money. A random guy who looked like a student asked me to pay for his meal at a burger place. I refused and he paid himself. Similar things happen a lot.

There's something in me that shouts out vulnerable / victim. Can I do anything about it?

Just to note, I left an abusive relationship and have a controlling, overly emotional parent so I know where it comes from. I just don't want my kids to see me unable to stand up to anyone and be so over eager to please. I hate it and hate myself for being that way.

It's hard. I often feel the same especially with the landlord situation but I'm working on it.
You need to work on your relationship with agreeablenes. You are aware and this is the first step. I think the more you practice not being so agreeable, the more you will exercise this "muscle".

It would be worth investigating in CBT with a view to developing strategies to help you put your needs first. It’s also worth doing something like leadership development training to help you become more assertive and authoritative. I’m similar, and one of the things I have found helpful is to have a couple of clear goals and focus on them.

It’s fine to help now and again but not to your own detriment. For example, I would often be asked to do extra work/help and I’d always say yes, but I want promotion, so now I’m only helping where it supports my promotion prospects.

Practice communicating more directly via email to start with. Write it out then remove all the sorry, please, and just type words.

Say no and find yourself opportunities to say it more often

Therapy might help as well

I love this advice. OP, really do this. Writing things down first helps tremendously, you actually start having an idea of how your speech should be like.

Ingrid Clayton has some good stuff on the fawning response and I think has just released a book

its an automatic response that developed as a way to keep yourself safe as a child

I found reading nice girls don't get the corner office really put me on the right track. It gave me permission to say no.

Agree with starting with emails.

I'd suggest giving yourself a bit more time to respond. Can I get back to you on that? Gives your brain more time to formulate a response.

It’s very hard to rewire your brain. My DH and SIL were taught from childhood to put their needs behind everyone else, and they both struggle so hard with this now. Sil has been on anxiety meds for most of her adult life, and DH is currently off work with burnout, partly due to his inability to say no when asked to take on ridiculous amounts of extra work.

DH has started seeing a psychologist, which is at least exposing him to different ways of thinking. He says that the thing I have said that’s impacted him most was when he was going on about someone at work being ‘selfish’ ie establishing and defending their boundaries, my response was ‘you say ’selfish’ like it's a bad thing’ 🙄. But what he has been taught is ‘selfishness’ is, to me, just anyone who is able to say ‘no, I am not able to / willing to do that’.

there’s a book that used to be recommended on here a lot: A woman in your own right by Anne Dickson, which is excellent on not being a doormat, and learning effective, assertive communication.

One other thing, if you are concerned about how you are perceived and targeted by potential bullies, is to think about how you come across. SIL and DH have a body language that says ‘bully me’.They both tend to hunch, ready to protect themselves, or just trudging along looking like the weight of the world is on their shoulders. SIL expression is usually a nervous, fawning smile that goes nowhere near her eyes. DH tends to make a lot of wisecracks and jokes, giving the impression he’s not being serious when he tries to say No or state his boundaries.

IDK of it would make any difference but… pay attention to your body language. Stand up straight, shoulders back, head up. Walk with purpose. Occupy every space like you belong there. Have you ever seen the superheroes pose on Greys Anatomy? Try doing that every morning!

when you speak, lower your voice a little and talk slowly and clearly - no giggling or shrugging.

I think you've already take a massive step in acknowledging that you are and that you want to change. You also have a good motivator in your DC. Could you try asking yourself "what would I advise Dc to do if they were in my place?"

Be prepared for one hell of a backlash from family members though, especially if they're used to walking all over you.

And also, think about what you want to teach to or model for your DC.

DH got a real wake up call when our kids were younger. We’d taken them to an activity / class where the activity was explained as a group, then the children had to sit down in a seat to actually do it. Ours completely hung back, let everyone else go first, and ended up having to share a seat as there weren’t enough 🙄. He hadn’t really seen this happening before. To his credit, he stood up for them and more seats were found. But it was a real shock to see his childhood playing out and his children repeating the behaviour he had been taught.

I’ve seen my SIL physically hold my nephew back from a buffet, whispering in his ear that he has to let everyone else eat first then he can go up after 🙄.

Look on it as a feminist issue rather than a you issue. Think of it as standing up for woman kind.

That's what I do so it becomes a value principle rather than a Oh I deserve this principle which is uncomfortable to me thing. Although the overall outcome is that you are respected more.

Remember no man ever started his sentences with Sorry but.

And don't ever apologise for needing something- have a google of sentence structures for things like using clean language to ask for things. Chat GPT can help with this.

Also even if you are assertive people often ignore it anyway 😆

But it does have some positive effects on other people to be able to say, X you did Y, don't do it again.

Edited to add - practise with little things.

Put big girl pants on, sashay over and ask your questions directly.

I agree with ‘practising the muscle’ of saying no makes it easier.

A couple of things that helped me were the idea that ‘if someone has to be disappointed in a situation, it doesn’t always have to be you.’ I had always over empathised with how the other person would feel, and so always needlessly took on the burden. Also the idea of ‘take up your space in the world’, I and you have as much right to be here as anyone else. The first thing I did with that idea was stopping doing the daft apologetic half-run across zebra crossings.

It’s a work in progress but once you start feeling a bit more firmly moored in the world and as if you matter, it gets easier.

There are several books with the title “the power of NO”.

I agree with others, you have to practise it. As children, we’re sometimes taught that “no” is a bad word, and this can be hard to break. Also, never say “sorry” when you say no can be a good exercise.

I just wanted to thank you op for posting and posters for their replies. I struggle like this too and this thread is really helpful.

A good way to start is by saying no to all the upselling questions shop staff ask.
”Do you want a loyalty card?”
”Do you want this for a pound?”
”Do you want to sign up for our newsletter?”
”Do you want to donate to charity?”
They ask because they have to.

You're off to a good start OP. You recognise it's an issue, plus you've got amazing examples of standing up for yourself. You left an abusive relationship! You told that student chancing his arm to pay for his own meal! Go you!!

Have you had any therapy? Something like the Freedom Programme might be a start.

I am the same way, I’ve come to realise that it’s an attempt to gain affection, I haven’t had much love in my life and I’ve always had to work extra hard for it.

Well you refused to buy random guy his burger so take heart and build on that.

Wow! This advice is incredibly helpful. Thank you for your responses.

Writing assertive emails is something I can definitely start with. I need to remove the words 'I think' at the start of each sentence too as it makes me sound unsure when I'm not!

I will check out the books/ people to follow asap as I do need to nail this now. One of my DCs is very hesitant around others and won't take anything offered to them (like cake). I do think this has come from me.

The comments about taking up your space in the world and it coming from a place of seeking affection really resonate with me. My mum takes pride in not being affectionate (yes, I know!) and her strong emotions would make me withdrawn as a kid.

Being prepared for a backlash is spot on and somethingI wish I had known before. The few times I have tried to assert myself (with relatives usually) there's been such a drama around it.

So many good suggestions here, I will start with emails and posture to take up space (also practicing direct eye contact) daily and add the books to my reading list.

I found saying no to things at work really hard.

Then I started throwing people under the bus. I try to ensure the person being thrown is a male colleague as to not burden women with more office crap.

"Oh no sorry I can't do that but I think it would be a great development opportunity for Steve"

I can almost hear the tyres screech.

@ToldoRasa once you start you will see more opportunities to put your new ideas into place. It’s weird, until I realised I was pretty oblivious. I just always assumed lowest ‘status’ in any interaction. It was actually a manager, years ago that made me realise. We had a team event for about 12 of us, one chair was most uncomfortable and tucked in the corner, furthest from the door. A team member was late, so I got up out of my seat by the door and squeezed round to the ‘bad’ seat. Afterwards my manager pulled me aside and asked why on earth I had done that, I deserved a decent seat as much as anyone. I saw it as being ‘kind’, everyone else saw it as cementing my lowly status.

This is more work related but I find the following things to be helpful as I've become more senior:

1. As PP says, watch your body language and posture. Make movement deliberate, no cuddling with hair or pens!
2. Don't rush to speak. In meetings I find it useful to wait for a gap in the conversation and say something that includes everyone in the project eg " I've reflected on problem X and I think solution y could add value because of z".
3. I speak, well, not quietly, but I am softly spoken. Everyone shuts up to listen!
4. If something is your specific area of expertise and people are mulling over an answer, don't hold back. Speak definitively and with assertion