Please help me be the most supportive grandma

[imtryingmybestireallyam]

Our son and his partner are just about to have their first baby. We have a great relationship with them both but we don’t want to overstep any mark. Please, oh wise mums, what are your tips for us as we navigate this exciting new chapter.

You're already doing great as you're thinking about it. I have a really good relationship with my MIL, and she's supportive but not in your face. I'd say things like helping the parents rather than with the baby initially (either just making the teas or a care package if you want to) and then going forward offering to come and play with them/take them out when they are a toddler and the odd night of baby sitting (if you want to). Basically being interested but not domineering and you can't go far wrong. Congratulations!

as a new nana myself, both too my DD and my StepSIL. all i will say is; dont try too hard, don't try to compete!

Never start a sentence with “In my day . . . “

I’m lucky to be a granny to 4 grandchildren plus another 2 on the way.

I see my role as supporting my daughters in the way they want to parent their children. I therefore check how they want things done and I follow their methods whenever I’m with them. There’s therefore no differences of opinion between us and it makes for a much easier relationship.

Absolutely this ^^!

Just be nice, respect boundaries, don’t force visits. Turn up with a few home cooked meals for the early days. Play it by ear from there.

When you go to visit, take a meal and some snacks. Ask if they need your help with anything. Ask mum how she’s doing. Ask to hold the baby.
This will help a lot.

I am a grandma. My advice would be never to give advice unless you are asked. Tread very carefully with doing anything in their house to help. It might look as if you are finding fault. Definitely some meals or offer home delivery meals. Definitely ask if you can do anything, bring anything. No matter if the baby looks like a prize fighter, tell them it's gorgeous. Don't pop in without checking first. And definitely think twice before saying anything.

You sound like you will be the perfect grandma, very thoughtful. Echoing others... home cooked food (scrap that, Ubereats is fine). Offering to take the baby so she can have a nap (but don't be offended if it's a no, it's not personal). My MIL used to ask my permission before picking the baby up... really no need to go to that extent!!!

What @LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand said.

I take note of how they do things. When he was first born, I did a lot of washing up and cooking, and left them to enjoy him- I only took him when they asked. I must’ve done something right because my DIL cried when I left! ( they’re in another country).

Now he’s one, I still follow their lead. They are exceptional parents! ☺️

If you are offering to drop meals off, ask them what they'd like. Fortunately both our sets of parents did this, as the post-birth constipation is real and all I wanted was heaps of vegetables 😂

Do you live nearby? Would help to know if your visits will be short and regular, or if you'll be visiting less frequently for longer and need to stay at theirs/in a hotel nearby?

I'm granny to two (4 yr old and 3 month old) and have been granny care to the four year old since he was 8 months old, and will be doing the same again shortly.
My tips;

1. don't offer advice unless asked. If you think they are absolutely struggling offer to help but never take over.
2. Most first time parents are very anxious and exhausted... help them feel like they are doing an amazing job :)
3. If local, help with boring life stuff but if they want to be alone the first few days, let them... you have a lifetime to love this baby :)
4. Supply food 😃
5. Do it as they do, even if you know easier ways, better ways, less stressful ways . I still always check with my DD how she would like me to handle different issues (she usually replies that I don't need to ask, but I would rather... it tends to be the same as she's raising hers how we raised her 😁)
6. Adore the baby but don't hog him/her!

Honestly being Granny is the best. Enjoy!!

Don't criticise or offer advice unless asked. Praise them , support them and stay out of arguments between them! Don't demand or expect anything, ask them what they want or need rather than imposing your ideas . Follow their rules when engaging with grandchildren, and respect their choices, even if it isn't the way you would do it!

You already sound like you’re going to be great by even asking the question. My key things would be, avoid giving unsolicited advice or “back in my day” anecdotes (even if your way was better!), don’t be offended if they want some alone time in the first couple of weeks to bond with baby or establish BF etc it’s not personal, tell them they’re doing a great job especially DIL tell her that’s she’s a good mum / give her a card or flowers on her first mothers day.

understand that advice and practices are different now. It's not a criticism of how you did things, just a reflection of time passing, more research being done and the advancement of technology.

I would add... Focus on supporting the parents and not the baby... One of the amazing things my mum did (she is in another country so stayed a few weeks) was that she did all the household laundry for the couple of weeks she was there... She also asked if she could take the baby so I can have a nap (focus was on me having a nap)... Went to the shops if we needed something... Asked what we would like to eat if we would like her to cook etc... Contrast with my mil who similarly came to stay who only wanted to hold the baby and commented about how breastfeeding means she can't hold him. It felt like we had a guest we needed to hold who is not interested in us.

Ask mum post partum if she needs help with anything , make lovely home made meals and this doesn’t need to stop after a couple of weeks if you really wanted to be great you could continue . Take their lead and respect boundaries x

Don’t give advice unless it’s asked for

My mother used to say this a lot to my aunties (my dad was born before the war and his brothers after so I was in my teens when their wives were having children).

One of my aunts said to her, "sash'smother, did they have ANYTHING in your day.

1. If you get a text saying, "it's a boy" or "it's a girl" this just means your grandchild has arrived, it does not mean you get to jump in the car and get to the hospital before the new mum has even had a cup of tea.

2. Do not be insulted if your son's partner wants her mum at the birth but not you, some women want their mum there.

3. Phone before you go round, a friend of mine had a baby on one boob and a breast pump on the other when her father-in-law walked in on her.

4. When they (all new parents do this) tell you to be careful holding the baby, or to support the baby's head or insist you sit down before the hand the baby to you just smile, you know what you are doing but they are in FB mode.

Support the parents, as others have said, offer to make meals, cups of tea, take the baby while mum rests.

Enjoy being a Grandma / Nana / Gran.