Waiting for someone to die is exhausting and terrifying

[TantrumsAndBalloons]

My lovely mum was fighting lung cancer and we found out 4 weeks ago it was now in her brain
she was in hospital due to the tumour bleeding and was given a 5 day course of radiotherapy
on the 4th day she was visibly altered, didn’t know where she was or what was happening and could communicate, she could only say yes or no, although we could see from her face when she recognised people
last Tuesday she was admitted to the hospital via a and e, and on Thursday following a CT scan showing significant bleeding she was put on end of life care with the doctor suggesting it would be 24 hours max
it’s now Monday and she is still here. She stopped drinking on Saturday, she seemed to decline more on Sunday and last night we could hear what is known as the death rattle but she is still occasionally opening her eyes, she is breathing deeply from her abdomen but she seems to be fighting
me and my sisters have been with her since she came into hospital, sleeping in the relative room/on a camp bed in her room and we physically and emotionally drained, and terrified
we all feel bad saying we want the end to come sooner rather then later but that is the reality at the moment
it’s just not ok

I’m so sorry 💐

Having been through it with my late dh and then my mum I can understand what you’re going through.

in a weird way it was a relief when they finally did go but no less heartbreaking.

Hugs.

Sending you love hugs and sympathy OP. I’ve been there twice with parents / ILs in end of life states that went on for weeks rather than days. It is an awful time. Please never feel guilty if you need a break, you go home to wash, sleep, eat. People feel they need to keep a vigil but days and days spent in a chair by a bedside take a huge toll. It’s clear you all love and care for your mum very deeply.

Feel for you and sending strength. It's not fair, or ok.
DF was taken ill overnight last year and I was told he wouldn't last the 3 hours it would take me to get there. It was another two weeks before he slipped away.

Be aware that sometimes people seem to wait to be on their own to go. Both DMIL and DF were on close monitoring but both managed to go when nurse left the station/just after family left the room.

Many tears shed in those weeks, end was a relief and meant we were better able to deal with what came next.

A year on I am grateful that I had a chance to sit with DF and tell him what he meant to me. He couldn't reply in the last days but until almost the end he knew we were there and what we were saying. Also got to share memories with DB as we sat together and that was nice in a funny way too.

Oh I’m so sorry. It is the worse thing. My mum died a year ago today. She was 92 and put on end of life care in hospital, then sent back to her care home.

Poor mum lasted eight long days without food or water, I didn’t know it was possible ! All she had was the mouth sticks which she sucked so hard the end came off.
It became easier once the syringe driver was put in after 5 days, I had to fight very hard for it though. She lasted another 48 hours after that started. At least then she went peacefully. Praying it’s sooner rather than later for you all.

I'm so sorry your going through this, stay strong 💐
Sending prayers for you and your lovely mum🩷 X

I'm so very sorry 💐

Thank you all, it’s the not knowing when that is so hard, we hate seeing her like this and it just feels like it would be kinder if it was sooner rather than later

I send you my love. Look after yourself.

I am wrapping you in the biggest hug possible.
I have been where you are and it's bloody awful.
I'm so sorry that I have nothing more useful to say.
xxx

I'm so sorry OP. It's never easy xx

Its miserable, I'm sorry.

A nurse told us when we were sitting with my father in law that it's worse for us watching than it is for them (assuming they're peaceful and their pain is managed).

There are worse deaths than safe and warm in bed with the people we love around us.

That helped me a bit because I didn't want him to be suffering. But it's still the worst and hardest thing to do. Sending you a hug x

There is nothing awful about feeling that it would be kinder if it were sooner. Surely it is compassionate to feel like that.

I once asked a nurse 'how long' for someone but she sensibly wouldn't give me any answer to that, because no-one quite knows.

You are not wrong, OP. And be prepared for a huge feeling of relief after she has died - which is completely normal.

I’ve been there. Its exhausting. My dad was relatively quick but my mum we were called to the hospital evening time on a Thursday and she lasted two more nights. We almost got into a weird routine of picnics in the room and chatting. I slept so much when it was over. Big hug.

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. I’ve been there and it’s not something I would wish on any one. Let her know that she is okay to go, she doesn’t need to hold on, that you and your family are there with her. There is still the sub-conscious that clings on, she should still be able to hear you still. I hope it will be quick for you all, the agony of waiting is awful. Once the time comes, don’t feel guilty to be relieved - no one wants to see a loved one suffer.

The last afternoon DP was alive my Mum and I were by his bed with his brother and sister in law. DP was deeply asleep. He was propped up in a sitting position.
The four of us were chatting when DPs brother said... "Look at that!" DP was fishing in his sleep. We saw his hand going like he was playing with the reel and be suddenly threw his arm out like he was launching his rod! It really made us all smile. I had said to Mum that I would stay the night by the bed but decided he wasn't too bad and went home with her. We got the phone call from the hospice at 3am to say he died. I've always bitterly regretted not being there.
A very dear friend died.recently and I made sure I said my goodbyes.