I want my kids to play in their rooms. But I don’t want it to be a punishment.

[onthewineagain]

My kids are 9 and just turned 6.

They are full on.

Husband and I work and look after them. We get no down time whatsoever (no family nearby or whatever). I know this is the reality for many family’s and I’m not meaning to moan…it’s just hard.

We go trips out the with the kids etc and at home we have a trampoline, paddling pool, and we play board games etc.

But oh my god the moaning. The bickering. The fighting. The crying. The one-upmanship.

But the thing is, they have their own bedrooms.

If they don’t want to be near each other they can go to their own rooms.

Or, if they do want to play, or bicker with each other, they could do it on their rooms and leave us downstairs in peace to have a cup of tea or a chat or, god forbid, watch half an hour of tv that’s not pokemon.

But they never do. They seem to want us to be an audience to this all the time and I’m just totally drained.

I put up with it all day then it gets to bedtime, we do stories etc and it inevitably gets to a point where I just snap because I’ve totally had enough and just don’t want to be around them anymore.

I just need a bit of space from them. I can’t “send them to their rooms” because I don’t want it to be viewed as a punishment.

Screentime is an issue. They are always screaming for screentime. I don’t mind them having some but I can absolutely see that it’s the dopamine hit for them.

9 year old has been doing well with reading for pleasure lately so I’m treading carefully with that as I don’t want “go to your room and read” to become a punishment, or viewed as a punishment.

This has ended up a bit of a ramble. I just needed to vent really. They are lovely kids I just wish they’d understand that I don’t want them in my face 24/7. I’m happy to play with them etc but I can’t do it all the time. They are very demanding, very intense. I’ve tried explaining to them that looking after them, and playing with them, is just one of my jobs. As well as that I need to make all our food, shop for all our food, wash and iron all our clothes / school informs / work uniforms etc, but they don’t care. I guess also I just don’t want it to be my job to entertain them. They have each other, they have loads of toys. They moan about being bored and I’ve told them “good, you need to be bored, that’s when you come up with great ideas” but they are very much about instant gratification in a way that my generation were not. I want them to make up games and play the way I did when I was a child.

But it doesn’t seem to be working.

does anybody feel similar?

Hello twin! Kids aged 10, 7 and 3 and I feel exactly the same. Also have no family support, work full time, everything you said. In our house, screen time has to be earned and we just have a list of things they need to do to earn it. Anything creative. Reading, playing with toys, card games, playing chess etc etc. It's amazing how resourceful they become when they have to use their brains and occupy themselves. I have absolutely zero qualms or guilt about telling them to go to their room and occupy themselves. If they come up to the living room and start making noise or being demanding, I give them a list of household chores to help me with and that seems to motivate them to go to their rooms. It's not a punishment but children do need to be bored and our kids are privileged as western citizens to have nice rooms and toys etc. The rest if the day is saturated with love, affection etc but they have a room and honestly I feel likenim going to explode sometimes with all of the noise. It's for everyone's best interest that they spend time there. Sometimes I say 'I've had a busy day at work. I want to hear all about your day but I need some quiet time first. Go up to your room and occupy yourself for an hour or so amd we'll catch up afterwards'. A hug and off they go, often resisting, but I need the quiet time too much to give in. It's not cruel, it's part of self care! And ultimately so long as its done in a respectful, kind way (not 'get out of my sight!') It's good for the kids too.

Aaargh, I feel like you have just held a mirror up to my life right now! I really struggle with getting the balance right in terms of helping them understand everything that needs to be done and that we need some down time too without making them feel like a burden. I like the list of chores idea and generally I do give them suggestions of things they could usefully do (that I know they may not want to) to encourage them to come up with their own ideas! I think so much of it is your tone and approach which will stop it being seen as punishment if you get it right. Easier said than done, and I'm definitely not winning today, but I think is really is a case of 'It ain't what you do, it's the way that you do it'.

I also want to add that I don't think it's good for children to be the centre of the universe. Not saying yours do! But when I have a wobble and feel guilty for not meeting their every need, i think, no it's good that they know I have boundaries and that I need quiet and space sometimes because i want them to grow up understanding that their immediate needs don't trump everyone else's. Parents are people too and not vending machines for their kids' every need. My kids are lavished with everything they could want, emotionally and materially, and it won't kill them to read a book in their room

Reverse psychology. Tell them they have to sit downstairs and do schoolwork - it won't harm them to be doing some times tables or the like - chances are that playing in their separate rooms will suddenly become a lot more appealing.

I used to tell the DDs it was time to clean their room if I wanted them to practice their musical instruments. Worked like a charm, as no sooner had I walked out and put the kettle on, I'd hear them starting to play. And, because they were innocent, contrary little beasties, if I wanted them to tidy up, I'd tell them it was time for music practice.

I think this is fairly normal whether you have 1 child or 20 when they're that kind of age. Especially if you've just reached the end of half term!

We only have 1 child but he is autistic with ADHD with moderate-high support needs and even when he is happy to entertain himself, he still wants someone (usually me!) to be there with him.

We take a divide and conquer approach most weekends even if just for an hour or so. This morning my husband has had time to himself and chose to go to the gym, this afternoon they went off to the park and I binned off the gym and did some reading instead - as my husband pointed out yesterday, reading is a two person job in this house!

In the holidays we usually split time off, but I've had the full week off this week as my husband was unable to, and it's felt long! What I've found helpful is getting up and out early for some sort of outdoor activity/fresh air (beach, NT place, dog walk, swimming etc) and then he's more likely to be able to entertain himself with a quiet activity so I can at least drink a coffee in peace or whatever. Would you feel less mum guilt if you got them out being active for a bit and then let them have screens in their room for an hour or so? Lunchtime could provide a natural screens off time limit? Alternatively if they have specific things they like, make a new rule that they need to stay in their bedroom e.g. if you get lego everywhere the dog might eat it, so best if we keep that in your bedroom...stealth 🤭

Mine are 9 and 12 and have always needed an audience OP, I’m sitting here feeling like death warmed up with a cold and having to watch my 9 year old do handstand after handstand after handstand, she has stopped for a snack which is why I am having five minutes of MN in peace.

My 12 year old isn’t too bad now and spends time with his friends either in person or on PlayStation but he still has a sixth sense for when I am enjoying a rare five minutes peace and will appear out of nowhere to talk non stop about Roblox and how he just needs Robux desperately.

We are lucky with family support though and hopefully will have a child free night next weekend but the days can be looooooong and I totally get what you mean about not wanting their rooms to become punishments, mine are hardly ever in their rooms and will not do a single thing together. During the school holidays DH and I feel like we just hardly get the chance to interact with each other at all without a child butting in and it can feel draining. We get to sit down together for an hour each night and end up falling asleep or spending it doing life admin related things on our phones as the DC just don’t give us a minute to get anything done.

I am sure I will miss it all in a few years when the don’t want to be anywhere near me…..or maybe not.

Mine had the same age gap but are older now. The best thing I ever did was not give them an audience if they start arguing/bickering. I’d tell them I didn’t want to hear it and leave the room. That really did cut down how much they did it.

Re playing in their rooms, have they got toys up there? Are their rooms nice and inviting, maybe set up something new up there to encourage them?

You’re right that they need to understand you aren’t there to entertain them 24/7. Don’t be afraid to say “my brain needs some quiet time, I’m going for a lie down/in the garden, don’t disturb me unless it’s an emergency.”

You need to play with them in their rooms so they get used to playing there.

As for the screen time have a set amount of time and/or a set time of day when they get it.

Set a time each day (weekends and school holidays where they're home all day) where everyone has 'chill time' or 'quiet time' or whatever you want to call it and goes to their room for an hour or so.

Tell them today that is starting from next weekend. Help them make their rooms extra cosy in advance of this. Maybe some new cushions or a beanbag, some new books (from the library it's doesn't need to be expensive), get out some art stuff/Lego etc. that they haven't played with for a while that is good for a quiet, single activity. I wouldn't allow screen time, but audio books or podcasts can be good.

Then stick to it. Set them a timer if they can't tell the time yet so they know how long they need to chill for. Have something fun planned for afterwards (or screen time for after if they need a bribe).

Thank you all.

Good to know it’s not just my kids who are like this, and not just me who struggles with it.

Loved your supportive responses.

I’ll give some of the tips a go.

Our 9yo has started hanging out in his room more since he got a cd player / radio in his room
I know a cd player is old fashioned but he loves it and it makes it very easy for us to avoid explicit lyrics (yes I know there are filters but some of them aren’t great) and for him to find his favourites
we bought him some new CDs but also dug out some of our old ones
he listens to music, plays with stuff, draws at his desk and just potters round in there
it’s really lovely

Do you have two rooms downstairs that can be used? We have a living room & a dining room & it’s just my youngest who is nine but she tends to potter about/play in the dining room & I’ll watch TV etc in the living room.

At weekends, if we don't have plans I often say that everyone needs to go to their own rooms for an hour's chill out time after lunch. I include DH and I in this so it doesn't come across as a punishment (and I get a sneaky nap or chance to read!). They can do whatever they like in their rooms, as long as it's not noisy and doesn't involve screens which I don't allow in bedrooms.

It's only an hour, but just buys a moment of sanity in the midst of a completely kid-centric day! Mine are 7 and 5 so I do get some pushback, but I'm very firm about it and everyone benefits from a break from each other.