Am I unkind?

[PurpleSky300]

My father has alcohol problems and I have a difficult relationship with him which I am worried is making me unkind.

I accept that drinking is his life. But that means when I meet him, he shows no interest in me. He complains about food if we go anywhere, he'll say "oh I bet it will be frozen stuff, I bet the meat will be rubbery" etc, etc. He is paranoid that other people can hear him speaking so we always end up in a dark corner. He contacts me usually to ask for help with things like the Internet (he doesn't use it), phone contracts, buying bits and bobs online. And when that's sorted, he just leaves.

It feels very perfunctory and recently I feel like I begrudge it - like I'll say "Well, you'll need to go to shop and ask about it if you won't go online" or "Visit your local branch" etc. There are times when I could help him, and I don't and I make him go the long way around, just because I feel so used. And I don't feel I can say that openly.

Today he made a comment about how he been telling me he wanted a new phone for a year, and I said "how the hell is that my job? Haven't you got legs, can't you walk into a shop?". Then he said "I am only asking for help" and I felt awful. But the truth is he doesn't even try with me, he is so ill mannered, he doesn't care about my life or even ask. And so I just don't want to help. And I feel like a bad person.

Have a look at the NACOA charity. It is for children of alcoholics, and there is so much support and advice. It might help you understand your (valid) feelings.

Thank you, I'll take a look. I feel like I'm repressing how I really feel and then it builds up and I just don't know how to channel it properly.

He's using you. He is being unkind to you, and you help him a lot despite his ingratitude, yet you feel guilty. You really don't need to.

You sound like you were on your last nerve, I don't blame you it sounds stressful, you have been patient and accommodating with him for years there is only so much a person can take, I have no advice really just I understand trying to negotiate difficult parents

You're being played.

I have so much sympathy for you. I hope this is the start of some freedom from the chains he has forged, little by little, of guilt, shame, and obligation.

There is a very good book on the subject. It is empathic and eye opening.

The ACOA Trauma Syndrome: The Impact of Childhood Pain on Adult Relationships
Book by Tian Dayton

Complicating this somewhat is my grandmother (his Mum), she is 90. She is very intelligent and active and is the total opposite of him, but of course she is also a parent and she sends him money and does whatever he asks really. So sometimes I feel like I go through the motions with him so as not to upset DGM, and that adds a layer of repression as well. Without DGM it would be easier to reduce contact I think or take a stricter approach. But I feel bad for him too - it's a crap life. A life revolving around drinking and smoking is miserable and he has lost his social skills etc and I recognize that. He has lost his teeth, he looks older than he is. I just feel stuck, obligated and resentful.

Its a slow process to deprogram yourself. He is her baby but not yours. Just try being unavailable and bored by it all. If your grandmother objects just e kind but firm, like a Norland nanny “No I won’t be buying him a phone. He can do it for himself.”