Person at partners work sending him dirty pictures

[Ibytam]

I just want some advice on how people would handle this situation, apologises if it’s long.

So tonight, I asked my partner if I could go on his Facebook just to make sure his profile is private and all of the profile pictures he’s put up over the years with the kids are set to friends only. I get really paranoid about who we have on social media and who can see in to our children’s lives.

I knew something was off because as he unlocked his phone he started trembling, like his thumbs were shaking as he went on to Facebook and I saw him go on his messages. A message from his colleague said ‘if only you knew what was waiting for you on your Snapchat’ he played dumb, said he doesn’t even have her as a friend, lots of ‘what the hell?’ So I said to him, as every woman would, to show me Snapchat.

He didn’t even have it downloaded, he installed it again and seemed to play dumb over apparently not knowing his password, sent it to his email, really delayed me being able to see his Snapchat. There it was, this woman’s name and when he clicked on it, naked photo saying ‘this could be all yours but you’re not willing to do anything about it’

I told him he had seconds to tell me the truth, because I will 100% find it out anyway and it’s best coming from him. He told me he had been speaking to her and she’d send those photos often but he never responded to them. Yeah right I thought. Firsty, why delete Snapchat in between her messages unless theres something to hide? So I messaged her myself, said I’d seen the pictures and messages and wondered if it was all one sided or if he had also been unfaithful. Also made sure to tell her that I knew she had a husband (she got married 3 WEEKS a go) and said if he also knew?

She replied INSTANTLY saying she is just a piece of shit and she is gone, repeatedly said ‘I’m gone, I’m nothing’ and said how my partner had done nothing wrong and to not punish him for it. She has then blocked me. I’m sat here in tears because I don’t like the idea of the man I’ve been with for 10 years doing this to me? I have no proof he’s not also been speaking to her inappropriately because Snapchat deletes the messages and there’s no evidence elsewhere. I literally have his word.

Also, do I tell her husband? I tried to find him in the middle of my immediate anger but couldn’t, still I would like to. Why should she make me feel like this and ruin the trust in my relationship but live happily in her own? Am I wrong for that?

Advice please!!

What did he say about her response?

1. Forward the photo to her husband so he can see what a dirt bag he just got married to.
2. Decide whether your sly and deceptive husband is worth getting upset over and whether you can move past this and ever trust him again.

I have zero tolerance and high standards and would never forgive any kind of deception but from what I read on here, many women do forgive. 🙄

Tell her husband, she is a piece of shit, kick your own dh out

If I were her husband I’d want to know. 3 weeks married!

He is absolutely adamant he hasn’t said anything dirty to her or encouraged it. I can’t get over why he wouldn’t shut it down though? He’s told me they’ve been talking on snapchat since last year and it’s been about ‘life’ and then occasionally (somewhere close to 30 times) she would send a dirty picture. I cannot get my head around why a woman would really do that and THAT many times too if the guy wasn’t showing interest? I would be mortified. I’ve found her husband btw, he’s been told.

No way would I put up with that for or believe your husband and I’d be letting hers know too, what have you got lose and you owe her nothing.

What an absolute betrayal, @Ibytam. This is emotional and sexual infidelity.

In addition to their in-person relationship at work, your P and this OW have been secretly interacting on Snapchat since last year and she has sent him explicit photos 30 times. Her lewd messages ‘See what’s waiting for you’ and ‘This could be all yours but you’re not willing to do anything about it’ are disgusting, yet he continued to disrespect you by entertaining her.

He has clearly lapped up their chat and welcomed her nudes. If he were truly committed and loyal to you, he would have shut this down pronto in the beginning. His failure to do so speaks volumes, as do his periodically deleting Snapchat and trembling and feigning cluelessness when you rumbled him. Whether or not there is more to this, what is known so far is cheating in my book.

My H would have been sent packing immediately as a consequence for this faithless behavior.

So rather than blocking her after the first one, he's let her be able to send 30 of them. Yeah, he was definitely enjoy them!

Your husband has been indulging this flirtation and enjoying it. She hasn't been sending him nudes without getting anything back! No doubt he's loved telling her how hot she is and how he would do this and that to her if he wasn't married. They've been having a fantasy fling. There's no excuse for this.

Your dh has been encouraging this woman .
Disgusting behaviour
Tell your husband that you want the woman to see the deleted messages

Has he got an iPhone? If so you can go on settings then battery then usage in the last 10 days. That should show how long he’s spent on Snapchat in that period, even if he is deleting and reinstalling it.
But it is grim op. The fact that he’s been deleting it shows that he knows it’s out of order. Any chance they could be having an affair in real life?
Personally, I’d kick him out at least initially and take some time to think.
I am sorry he’s done this, I can never get my head around how utterly fucking stupid some people can be!!

He doesn’t have an iPhone but you can still do this on an android phone I believe so I definitely will check. We haven’t spoken to each other yet this morning. I just don’t know what to do. I love this man with my whole heart, he is literally everything to me, I don’t want to leave him but I also know that I will not be able to forget about this. I agree with everything everybody has said here, it’s a form of cheating. I’ve messaged her husband again asking if he knows what my partner has been saying back during these conversations. He’s read it but not replied. This isn’t fair. The woman in question has blocked me, I have no way of getting any more information, I literally have my partners word and that’s it. They work in a very sensitive place of work, dealing with vulnerable people daily, SA victims etc, I am appauled at her for doing this and almost feel like they should be made aware of her behaviour.

My guess is he was re-downloading it periodically to wank to. Doesn’t sound like they got physical, and he probably didn’t shut it down because it was a major confidence boost for him. Not defending it at all, but that’s what it sounds like. This woman was into him, marriage can be frustrating, he got no strings attached nudes to wank to, and I guess didn’t think he’d get caught.

Separately, I think it’s super weird when people force themselves into their partner’s phone. My phone usage / SM etc is super boring and there’s nothing there for my partner to find, but I’d consider it a violation if they tried.

I literally only asked to go on his phone to make sure the profile pictures he regularly uploads with our children were set to friends only. I’m super paranoid about that kind of stuff and he isn’t very social media savvy, so wouldn’t know 20+ pictures of our children and lives were available for anybody to see. I did NOT ask to see his messages, he was the one, who in a panic, fumbled and opened her messages and acted confused so I read it and asked he download Snapchat to see what she had sent him. I didn’t once take his phone off him. It is only since this came out I have checked his other platforms, which I’d like to think given the recent circumstances is completely understandable.

I really don’t like him not having shut this kind of behaviour down from the very first time. He must have enjoyed getting the attention. The lack of integrity and him trying to hide things before giving you his phone would make me question the whole relationship. He obviously knew he had done something wrong because he felt the need to hide it. You need to have some serious conversations with him about the future.

His guilty behaviour when you wanted to look on his phone and the fact he didn’t block her after the first photo shows that he was very happy she was sending the photos and this revolting communication between the pair of them would have continues if he hadn’t been rumbled.

You say he isn’t very savvy about the phone use but she might be and could have easily instructed him how to remove his own photos etc.

It’s not a form of cheating, it is cheating as he was doing something behind your back.

Her DH has seen your messages. He may just be processing it at the moment, and may not have even spoken to her. Give him a bit of time. He will come back to you.

I feel so heartbroken truly I do. I’ve been sick 3 times and I haven’t stopped crying. I hate this and I genuinely believed with my whole heart that he wouldn’t ever do this to me.

I went through this and stupidly believed my husband was sorry and wanted to work on our marriage. 5 years on I’ve discovered he’s done similar with 3 other colleagues and been having an affair with a 4th and left me and the kids out the blue 😔 Once a cheater even if it’s “just” emotional then always a cheater in my opinion. It’s affected my health long term and I’m now 5 years older and he’s living a lovely life and I’m having to deal with the upset he’s caused the kids having dumped them too

Oh come on @Ibytam any person who had a shred of respect for their relationship would shut down nude photos the first time.

No woman sends nude photos without knowing the person receiving them “wants” them. It isn’t like men sending unsolicited dick pics and hoping for a reply.

Your partner’s been loving the attention, nice ego boost, thinking he’s Billy big bollocks. Don’t believe his excuses

Sorry OP. Disgusting of both of them.

Sending hugs OP, can’t imagine how you must be feeling. Hopefully the husband will get out the full version from his ‘D’W as doubtful she’ll just say she was sending nudes to someone who was just blanking her….totally unbelievable. He’ll have encouraged them, and she wanted to take it further..

If he’s truly innocent and she’s sending unsolicited messages, then he should be prepared to report her to HR for sexual harassment. Ask him if he’s willing to.

But 30 pictures—and let’s assume he’s downplaying that number—is not casual. That’s a sustained, intense amount of content for her to send. And with no encouragement from him? Unlikely. But playing devils advocate- if he really didn’t respond (but also didn’t shut her down) do you feel you could forgive

What exactly is he saying or doing to make things right?