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Original poster

Nasty conversation at a pub

19 replies

Itssosad · 31/05/2025 12:45

I have name changed for this post.

Last night I and a few friends met up for a drink and chat. Men and women at the table. One of these friends female brought a new male friend. Some how the chat got around to discussing another friend not in a nasty way who has a disabled baby. This chat was how we as friends can support them. 2 of us have seen the baby and it will be seriously disabled both parents think they will have a short life.
Yet this new man thought it was reasonable to say that any child who is disabled shouldn't be allowed to live. He was clear that the NHS would be in a better place if they were not helped to live.
At that point a few of us got up and left after saying we were disgusted by this talk.

On our WhatsApp group this morning the friend who brought him was trying to excuse his behaviour as he had a drink. We are all late 30's.
Can't believe that she is defending him. For me that friend is out of order.

My younger brother is disabled and I can't imagine life with out him.
2 others in the group have a disabled child or family member.

Why can anyone think like this.

OP posts:
spoonbillstretford · 31/05/2025 12:48

I would reply to say exactly that. You'll have to agree to disagree on this issue as anyone expressing those views, and particularly in the context you describe, is a massive twat.

Being drunk doesn't make people racist, disablist or sexist.

I'd have tried to embarrass him at the time - "My brother is disabled - do you think he shouldn't live? Pity the NHS can't predict who is going to be a nasty cunt at birth, eh?"

rainbowstardrops · 31/05/2025 12:50

Is he a male friend, or a new boyfriend? If he’s just her new friend, I’d hope she’d realise what a dick he is and distance herself from him. If he’s a new boyfriend, I’d ditch his sorry arse and tell him why! If she continues bringing him along to meet ups then I’d be distancing myself from her too.

romdowa · 31/05/2025 12:50

I'd be distancing myself from her , how can she honestly defend him ?

CaptainMyCaptain · 31/05/2025 12:54

Agree with all the above. He is a nasty piece of work and being drunk has nothing to do with it.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 31/05/2025 12:58

Yanbu at all

As a sen mum, the number of people who see my dd as a burden to society will always surprise me.

Original poster
Itssosad · 31/05/2025 13:02

I don't think he had more drinks than anyone else who was there. I had 2 wines.
I think he is just a friend at the moment but maybe she wants more.
She had mentioned him a few days before asking if it was ok him coming.

None of us have replied to her.

OP posts:
theresbeautyinwindysun · 31/05/2025 13:05

I think everyone’s total silence will speak for itself and is an effective response.

Pleaseshutthefuckup · 31/05/2025 13:07

He was speaking negatively against the disabled person because they're a burden in his view?

I'm clarifying only because if someone said something about someone seriously impaired having a life not worth living, as distasteful as that is in this social context, I'd actually be less horrified and offended and understand why someone would think and say such a thing. I would debate that openly.

It sounds like that might not be the angle and it was based in disgust or feelings of superiority and resentment?

LateForMyOwnFuneral · 31/05/2025 13:11

First reply nailed it:

"We'll have to agree to disagree. Being drunk does not make someone disablist. I know he's your mate [insert your friend's name] but think of [your brother's name]. I can't be around someone who thinks he shouldn't be allowed to exist."

Send that to the group. Nip it in the bud.

FuckityFux · 31/05/2025 13:17

I’d probably go further and tell her that he’s not welcome to join any of our group meet-ups in the future especially as <friend> will have her disabled baby with her.

Definitely don’t let her minimise this as silly drunkenness.

TheNightSurgeon · 31/05/2025 13:18

I would be ditching the 'friend'.

It's one thing to bring an arsehole along who starts spouting offensive views and not knowing what to do in the moment. It's quite another to then go on and defend that person the next day.

I have zero tolerance for this sort of shit and once kicked a handyman out of my home for an almost identical reason, what he didn't know was that my daughter was born with lots of disabilities and she did die a couple of weeks later,so he was definitely verbalising his abhorrent views to the wrong person.

Peachy2005 · 31/05/2025 13:29

Someone needs to tell her not to bring him around the group of friends ever again. That makes it pretty clear that she will lose her friends if she pursues a relationship with this knobhead. Of course she should realise this herself but if you all just ignore it, you’re not doing yourselves or her any favours.

treesandsun · 31/05/2025 13:29

I would reply and say he and his views are abhorrent. I find you defending him disgusting. If you intend to bring him along to any further meetups I will not be attending. However, if in future something happens to him, and he becomes disabled ,do let me know as I'll be happy to come along and discuss when he plans to go to Dignitas so he's no longer a burden.

Toseland · 31/05/2025 13:48

There are MPs with this view trying to push the Assisted Dying bill through parliament at the moment. I think there's a petition somewhere?

butteredhorseradish · 31/05/2025 13:50

That is absolutely awful.

However, I do wonder if she's mightly embarrassed about bringing such an asshole along that she's tried to blame it on him drinking for that reason rather than defending him as such. It would have been much better though, if it was the case that she was embarrassed, if she'd just wholeheartedly apologized for bringing the asshole along, said she didn't realize that he was like that and that she'd not bring him again.

I'd be telling her that he isn't welcome to come along to socialize with you any more.
I wouldn't ditch her as a friend because it is possible that she had no idea what a wanker he is. I'd give her another chance, but not him.

Original poster
Itssosad · 31/05/2025 14:31

She has rang another friend and is embarrassed about the whole thing.
I'm taking the dog for a walk later and pass her house I'll give a knock and
have a chat.
Don't want to loose her as a friend if she didn't know he has those views.

OP posts:
RightOnTheEdge · 31/05/2025 14:37

Your friend is totally wrong to try and defend him.
Drink doesn't make a nice person suddenly have abhorrent views.

Well done to you and your friends for saying something and leaving, rather than sitting there keeping quiet to keep the peace.
Your friends with the new baby are lucky to have supportive friends like you.

CaptainMyCaptain · 31/05/2025 15:52

Toseland · 31/05/2025 13:48

There are MPs with this view trying to push the Assisted Dying bill through parliament at the moment. I think there's a petition somewhere?

The Assisted Dying Bill is about terminally ill (not disabled) adults making a choice, not about leaving babies to die.

Original poster
Itssosad · 31/05/2025 18:32

Just back from speaking to our friend. She is embarrassed about the whole incident.
It seems he had a few drinks before meeting up with the group.
That's why she said this morning on the WhatsApp about drink talking.
I wasn't the only person to speak to her and asked that if she brought him again that would be the end of our friendship.
We have parted on good terms. Left the ball in her court about this idiot.

OP posts:
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