DP said he doesn't want to deal with DS anymore

[Chocolatepancakes6]

DS is 14, autistic, diagnosed at 2.5. He’s always been a bit of a handful but the last few months have been next level. He’s hit puberty and it’s like his whole system is overloaded. Meltdowns every single day now, sometimes with no clear trigger at all. He’s also refusing school most days which is piling the stress on top of everything else.

DP’s been in his life since he was 5 – bio dad isn’t in the picture at all – so he is dad as far as DS is concerned. They usually get on well, DP plays his games in the evening and DS watches, they chat about films, DP always does bedtime because it’s part of DS’s routine and helps him settle. Honestly he’s been brilliant most of the time, very patient, more than I am some days.

But today it all just kicked off. DP said the wifi dropped out for five minutes earlier and DS got really upset, proper tears and pacing, but then seemed to calm down. But it must’ve just set him off internally cos by the time I got home at half five he’d locked himself in the bathroom, was trying to headbutt the sink, screaming, full meltdown. He’d bitten DP and was kicking out – DP had to go in and restrain him so he didn’t hurt himself, but DS was yelling that DP was hurting him and trying to escape. There’s some red marks on his arms now from where DP held him, not proper bruises but still. It was awful. I managed to calm him down eventually, he’s now lying in bed quiet with his headphones on.

DP though… he just snapped. Proper shouted at me, saying he’s not cut out for this, no matter what he does it’s never right and he’s done with it. Said he doesn’t want to deal with DS anymore. He grabbed his car keys and stormed out, hasn’t answered texts. No idea where he’s gone.

I know he’s struggling, we both are. DS is so hard to reach at the moment, and I’m constantly walking on eggshells trying to stop things from escalating. I don’t know if DP really means what he said or if it was heat of the moment but I’m scared he really meant it

I’m really sorry OP, it sounds like a really difficult situation all round. I would give things some time to cool off and then see where things end up after that. I know many parents who have children with additional need who are really brilliant parents, some of the best ones I know, and almost all of them have felt like your DP does at some point.

Parenting is hard, parenting a child with additional needs can often be even harder. As I say, wait and see how he comes back and what he says.

Big hugs to you @Chocolatepancakes6

We went through this with our DS at the same age, it was absolute hell. He really couldn’t cope with the social demands of school, although academically he was very strong. In hindsight I wish I’d pulled him out of school much sooner. I know several other boys who went through this too.

It does get better when the demand of school is removed.

It’s such a high stress situation and I’m not surprised that your OH removed himself. I hope you can both talk when he returns and you can reassure him that he has a beneficial effect on the family unit and discuss a plan for how to deal with DS going forward.

Have you been offered an NVR course? It gives you a toolbox of emotional coping mechanisms for dealing with children going through a difficult time

Oh op rhis sounds so hard for everyone. You have my full sympathy. Puberty and asd is not a pleasant situation. I'm dealing with this too and they are strong and hormonal

OP I’m really sorry to hear of your families awful evening, I too have neurodiverse teens and its nearly broken me ( sorry if thats not what you need to hear but I want to validate your struggles and let you know you are not alone). The years 13-17 have been hardest for us so far, there were times I thought our family would split up and other times I seriously considered boarding school for my eldest. My older autistic son age 18 seems to have mostly come through the worst now albeit with ongoing psychology input for emotional regulation input. In terms of moving forwards I would actually validate your Husband’s struggles and give him permission to step back for a while. It sounds like he is at the end of his tether. Your son needs some help to regulate his emotions and You will need to find him this either via school, CAMHs or even privately if you can manage it financially. There may be also he services you can access locally such as specialist parenting courses. We had some help via school when my eldest was about 13 which helped a lot to reduce/ manage total meltdowns, having a plan and some strategies can help a lot.

Sounds like your DP is just at the end of his tether at the moment. Clearly a very highly charged situation.

How did you react to the red marks?

You'll have people along telling you to LTB, but I couldn’t disagree more with that approach. Sounds like your DP is doing more than his share and needs a break. I’d be inclined to do something for him - whatever he’s into, whatever he enjoys - send him away for a day for himself. And make sure you remind him of all the good he does for your DS.

That sounds like such a tough situation for you all.
See how he is when he comes back, and maybe explore what sort of help you can ask/apply for.

This. How badly has he been bitten?
Has DS shown any remorse or offered an apology?

In terms of moving forwards I would actually validate your Husband’s struggles and give him permission to step back for a while. It sounds like he is at the end of his tether.

Me too. I worked with families like yours in special education for many years, and this is really common. Parents/guardians who love their children dearly and put everything into managing them calmly and empathically, are just tipped over the edge sometimes. Your partner is clearly a patient and caring father figure, but it was just too much.

It happened in a more minor way to me, as a teacher, and to my class team as well. We always looked out for each other when one was dealing with a meltdown and/or getting hurt, step in when we could see their emotions cracking, and give them permission to step out and take a few minutes.

But parents and parental figures don't have three or four other adults watching and stepping in for them. We were privileged.

I was a bit taken aback seeing the marks but I know he wasn’t being rough on purpose, just trying to stop DS from hurting himself or him. They’re not bruised but still not nice to see. It’s just all so intense in the moment.

CAMHS aren’t supportive, not even a bit. We’ve been back and forth for years and it’s always “oh well he’s autistic, that’s to be expected” and they offer nothing practical. School are no better. He’s meant to have school transport but he refuses to get dressed or even leave his room most days, and I can’t get him on the bus physically. I don’t drive so I can’t even try to take him myself. DP does drive but he’s usually at work, and I’ve already used up so much annual leave trying to manage it.

DP had actually booked this half term off as AL to spend time with DS – no expectations, just to try and reset things a bit. So it’s gutting that it’s turned into this.

DS hasn’t apologised – but I don’t think he really understands what happened or can process it like that. Sometimes he’s very vocal and chatty, other times he just shuts down and barely says a word. Today was one of the shutdown days. He’s calm now but quiet, not engaging.

And the bite – it didn’t break the skin but it left a pretty nasty mark.

Have you looked at the Capa First Response website? That may be useful.

We went through this with our eldest, it’s so bloody hard. A lot of it would fall on me as I was around more and more empathetic of his feelings, as DH is ASD too but quite a different character.
There were times when I would gladly have walked away, but that was ‘in the moment’, and once things had calmed down it was easier again.
Trying to identify triggers is key, as you probably know. The WiFi is still a trigger for ours, and he’s almost 20. Trying to get him to understand that you have no control over it when things are calmer might help?
I can’t imagine an apology would be easy from him tonight, it’s too soon, but a gentle chat tomorrow would be better. We’ve had to wait days sometimes until things are calm enough.
He’ll be tired tonight.

I was a bit taken aback seeing the marks but I know he wasn’t being rough on purpose, just trying to stop DS from hurting himself or him. They’re not bruised but still not nice to see. It’s just all so intense in the moment.

How did you react to DP when you saw the marks? Obviously everyone was in a heightened state but DP saying he can't do anything right makes me wonder (a) what you said and (b) if you've pulled him up before if he hasn't reacted as you would have liked him to.

You've told us how brilliant he is with DS, how often do you tell him?

Exactly, doing his best, not his own child, being physically assaulted, and likely verbally abused, but hey, it's MN he's a bloke so if he doesnt passively allow this, he's 'pond scum..... 🙄

Wow
he’s doing his best being physically assaulted by a teenager - a child that isn’t his remember - I’m surprised it’s taken this long given what the OP describes

Hopefully he will come back, he probably needed to vent. Is there any support you could access for all of you? Adolescence is a difficult time for most kids, even ones without other difficulties. Here there are activities like indoor climbing for SEN children, it's a matter of finding out what's available and when. A call to the council may be a good idea if you can't find out from other parents in your situation

It sounds like he was overwhelmed in the moment. Understandably. I’m sure he’ll step up to the plate again once he gets over it.

Check out the Calm Parenting Podcast.