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Original poster

I have to learn to let these things go...

15 replies

ByWaryDog · 28/05/2025 19:03

Or let him go and break up.

DP probably has ADHD. He leaves everything to the last minute and needs reminding about everything. Will start the next sentence before he's finished the previous one, easily distracted etc.

He also has many good qualities, completely kind, a vibrant enthusiasm for life, I could go on.

I am the opposite, completely organised and start to worry about things being late long before they are due. So for example, I've been reminding him that his driving licence needs renewing before our holiday (where we plan to share the driving) for weeks. We go in 2 days and it's not done. In his mind there's loads of time still, but....(you can drive on an expired licence provided the application is in progress).

Similar things happen a lot. Things I should let him fail at, if needed rather than doing his worrying for him and tbf he does very rarely actually fail, he'll get it done, it's just always down to the wire.

He's not going to change, so how do I come to terms with the fact that this is the way he lives and stop stessing over it all?

OP posts:

WilfredsPies · 28/05/2025 19:15

What will happen if you do let him fail? I mean this kindly, but he’s not doing it on purpose so it’s not as though he’ll suddenly learn a lesson and not do it anymore.

So you either let it go, accept he’ll get it done 99% of the time and it’s his responsibility. Or you talk to him, tell him you’re struggling with everything being so last minute and ask if it would be possible for him to meet you halfway sometimes. Or you accept that his good qualities are not enough to outweigh your need for organisation and go your separate ways.

Original poster

ByWaryDog · 28/05/2025 19:19

WilfredsPies · 28/05/2025 19:15

What will happen if you do let him fail? I mean this kindly, but he’s not doing it on purpose so it’s not as though he’ll suddenly learn a lesson and not do it anymore.

Well the recent example would have left me doing all the driving.

It's generally inconveniences like that. He was late getting his MOT done so I had to drive on a weekend where we'd normally have taken turns, he'll forget to take something away with him, which means either he uses mine or some of the trip is spent searching shops for it.

Nothing awful, but frustrating.

OP posts:

FinchAddict · 28/05/2025 19:42

Honestly, I'd talk to him and see what compromise you can come to. You probably need to let some things go a little, but he needs some strategies to remember the important stuff on a timeline that doesn't make you so stressed.

If he isn't willing to try, or doesn't see what the fuss is about, then I'd walk away.

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Families

WilfredsPies · 28/05/2025 19:45

Can you cope with a life time of general inconveniences though? Because, if not, the time to do it is now so that you both have as much time as possible to find the best person for you.

Or you work to your individual strengths. I do the stuff DH is not good at. He does the stuff I hate doing.

Aligirlbear · 28/05/2025 19:46

Have you had a conversation with him about how his behaviour impacts you in a negative way ? I.e. you having to do all the driving when you should have taken turns ? Being mindful your approach of being super organised this might be an irritant to him as in his mind stuff does get done. Perhaps you need to think about how you can help him meet you somewhere in the middle : A family calendar on the fridge with important things for you both written on it. when something is done it gets ticked off. He needs to check the calendar daily to remind himself what needs doing and you need to tick off everything you have done - different colours / columns for each of you so it’s easy to identify which tasks belong to each other. Perhaps review weekly together after dinner on a Wednesday so you both know what each of you need to be doing and highlight the implications of not doing something i.e. you will have to do all the driving ? Get him to set alarms on his phone to remind him of tasks which need doing . It won’t be perfect and with ADHD he can’t ultimately change core behaviours but he can adopt strategies to help manage them and the “just in time approach” which can be so annoying for organised planners.

Ultimately you have to decide whether you can continue to tolerate such a difference in approach and whether the resulting inconvenience is outweighed by his positive points.

Do88byisfree · 28/05/2025 20:00

You don't mention your ages but you might want to consider what it woukd be like to have kids with this man. My DH is very similar. It works because I do all the life admin stuff particularly when the kids were younger. It is what it is, but it can be mentally exhausting to be the one who is carrying the load for the family. My daughter (who is more like me) calls it weaponised incompetence but I would rather get things done myself than to live with the stress that they won't get done -- or deal with the fall out. He does care and is always sorry whenever I bring it up but he doesn't seem to be able to change and genuinely believes each and every time that he"s hot it under control, will remember to do it or that there's plenty of time to get things done.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 28/05/2025 20:04

I'm 13 years in... It's draining quite frankly..
Being the only 'adult' is also quite a lonely ife..

justasking111 · 28/05/2025 20:09

I do all the admin. Remind him to phone people who won't speak to me GDPR issues. He has improved. He's happy to fill in forms online these days. He's an ace handyman, gardener. Great cook . So we rub along

JeMapellePing · 28/05/2025 20:10

22 years and several kids in. It gets more pronounced with children and age IME. I don’t think it is weaponised incompetence here, but it is a low grade disability and it’s wearing being the only fully functioning adult particularly once you have other dependents. I couldn’t see it at all before we had children: it just looked like mild disorganisation.

justasking111 · 28/05/2025 20:12

Mine fills in his phone calendar these days which helps him a lot

BunnyEaster · 28/05/2025 20:20

Depends if he is receptive to listening. I'm sure dh has adapted. Dispite 3 kids with SEN and his obvious struggles he finds any criticism highly offensive.

I write him lists and he ticks things off. It does get wearing but he has other strengths. I'm currently trying to get him to get his parents genetic testing for a inherited condition. It's like herding a hundred rabbits with a fishing net. None of them can ask their own Dr a simple question. I can see now it's not just him

HenDoNot · 28/05/2025 20:23

Interesting that in the examples you’ve given, that it is you that ends up being inconvenienced, not him.

You end up doing all the driving because he didn’t get an MOT, he gets to sit back and enjoy being driven, you have to share or provide him with some of whatever it is he’s forgotten or waste your trip traipsing around the shops, rather than him just managing without it.

That is absolutely weaponised incompetence if ever I saw it.

Something for you to think about.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 28/05/2025 20:41

He's not going to change, so how do I come to terms with the fact that this is the way he lives and stop stessing over it all?

OP I think your first line is wrong. He cannot change his poor instincts or abilities but he absolutely can improve if he wants to. He can improve to the point that life is manageable but he will need to want to do this and probably needs to know the extent to which it impacts on your life.

I don't know about you but my very similar DH drove me to the point that I was becoming anxious about things that I was fine with before, for example family occasions because he would consistently make us late.

I did a course to support my child with diagnosed Adhd and it was a game changer. Dh was undiagnosed at the time (is now) and there were so many strategies that could help but of course he ignored all of them. When I was at breaking point as you are now i got really tough and stopped making accommodation for him. I said we couldn't have guests for a while because it was too stressful (while up walls cleaning and cooking he decided to fix a broken drawer that needed fixing 3 years), I said i didn't want to go on holidays unless it was with certain criteria, i said i didn't want to go for dinner because we would be late to the restaurant etc. I withdrew from the things he enjoyed, I even stopped watching TV with him and stopped having his family around. I explained over and over that my stress, which he couldn't understand, was because of him. Something clicked eventually and he got professional help and I helped him with lots of little strategies to cope better. Life is a million times better and now he admits there are things he isn't good at. To be fair there are a million things he is good at that i am not and I try to make him see that too. Seeing our sons struggle helps both of us a lot.

Regarding today's situation I think you need to say one last time that if he doesn't have his licence you will need to take public transport or change plans because you will not do the driving. Then follow it through. If it all works out in the end he still needs to know there are consequences. The upset this week is the reason you are refusing to go out/have sex/make conversation or whatever and if he wants a couple holiday in future he needs to make sure you are not put in that situation again.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 28/05/2025 20:45

You're not compatible, @ByWaryDog

Original poster

ByWaryDog · 28/05/2025 23:15

We're both in our 50s and we won't ever live together so some of the concerns here won't apply and it is a properly decent men and single ones of them don't crop up too often in your 50s.

I don't think he does it deliberately, he just doesn't worry. If, for example, I wasn't willing or able to do the driving (which won't be an issue anyway because he'll have done it by the time we go) he'd find another way. I just have to worry about it first! That's me not him though

OP posts:

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