Should this be compassionate leave?

[Lailla719]

My mum has died, my manager has told me to take as much time off as needed and not to rush back to work. I’ve taken 3 weeks off, I’ve been back at work for a week. The funeral is next week.

Manager has said I can have the funeral as compassionate leave but scattering the ashes must now be taken as annual leave. I’m slightly dismayed as everyone I’ve spoken to expected me not to even be back in work before the funeral. Our company policy is that it’s at the managers discretion. I’ve never been signed off work or needed compassionate leave in the 17 years I’ve worked here.

I'd get up to five days compassionate leave for death of a parent (I got three days for death of a sibling). I'm not saying what you've had is unreasonable, but maybe it's not unexpected that they don't want to give any more.

3 weeks is generous. I think look at the positives. Can’t ashes be scattered at the weekend?

I got one day of compassionate leave for the death of my mother. I think your manager has been very generous. 3-5 days in total is more typical.

I get 3-5 days compassionate then any more is either annual leave or signed off sick. I’d honestly think nothing of taking a month signed off for a parent’s death. I’m someone who has never been signed off and I manage a team. There’s policies to follow to ensure fair treatment but it always feels harsh. Being signed off is normal - take the time you need.

3 weeks is hugely generous. We get 3-5 days and anything extra needs to be sick leave.

I'm gobsmacked at 3 weeks. I got two days, the second of which was given with poor grace. Everything else was annual leave.

What you’ve had so far is very generous, compared to places I have worked. I would agree with your manager about the annual leave day.

I consider my employer very generous and we get 2 weeks at most for close relative death, normally 5 days

My ex husband got 3 days after the death of our daughter (I was on maternity leave), 3 weeks sounds quite generous, and I think taking annual leave, or planning to scatter the ashes on a day you're not working is fair enough.

So sorry about your Mum 💐

annual leave - they've been very generous already

also 5 days here, very understanding of the need to take more leave but it would be AL/sick leave if signed off by a doctor
im not saying I agree with this by the way but if you have taken 3 weeks of leave and have the funeral as compassionate leave also there is an argument that the scattering of ashes which can be done at a convenient time for the most part would be annual leave

I agree it’s generous already. Sorry for your loss OP

I'm very sorry for your loss.

3 weeks is on the generous side for compassionate leave, however it's not uncommon for people to be signed off sick by their GP for a further period if you don't feel able to return yet so definitely consider that route if you need to.

Yeah five days compassionate leave is very normal in my experience. It sounds like your company has been very generous with giving you three times the ‘normal’ amount. Grieving times can’t be compared so it’s difficult to give what am the right time should be. But also a day for the funeral is generally given in addition so then another day for ashes as annual leave does seem reasonable. Sorry for your loss OP.

Most people I know get a few days, if need longer it's usually through sick leave on basis of how it's impacting their mental health. Some people have a few weeks, others months.

Thanks everyone. Good to get some perspective. I think it’s just that he made a point to saying that I mustn't rush back. With hindsight I should have got signed off by my gp as it was a very traumatic death and there’s been a huge amount of admin, I feel like I did rush back and I’ve not even started grieving yet, I’m just numb.

We’re scattering the ashes the day after the funeral as this is when the vicar is available (they’re going in the family plot of the cemetery)

I get one day compassionate leave for a direct relative anything over that is taken as unpaid sick leave. Had to book annual leave to scatter ashes and had to fight tooth and nail for the day off as someone had already booked it off. Unfortunately, I wasn't the organiser so couldn't change the day. This was for a grandparent.

While I don't agree with these policies - it's a business and they will work to whatever suits them while adhering to the bare minimum legislation. It sucks.

3 weeks off is very, very, very generous.

It's ok to go off sick if your not ready to return

Yeh, I think I might, it’s been so difficult being in work and I just can’t imagine working the day before the funeral and then the day after the ashes. I really need some time.

I’m sorry for your loss, look after yourself. Grief and loss is really hard.

It really is ok to take sick leave, I actually think it’s sensible.
Im mostly self employed, so get absolutely nothing. I only took the funeral day off… was ridiculously hard. But take whatever you need …..sick leave/unpaid it doesn’t matter. At this point in time, just look after you

Sorry for your loss!

3 weeks wow! No scattering of the ashes I would not think counts - you can do at the weekend or use your annual leave. They have already been very generous.

Is there any reason why you can't take annual leave?

I got 5 days for the death of my child. My arsehole manager told me to get signed off for anything more. Get signed off sick if you need to, but, and I mean this gently, going back to normality will be hard at whatever point.

There’s often a misconception that time away from work after a bereavement should always be compassionate leave.

Compassionate leave is generally much, much narrower and when granted is to deal with the immediate ‘world has just turned upside down and there’s a lot of phone calls and stuff to sort’. Rather than ‘I’m grieving and don’t feel like want to be at work at the moment’.

People will say they didn’t expect to see you, but that’s not the same as saying that youll get paid compassionate leave for that period. In practical leave administration terms the compassionate bit generally will only cover enough to make arrangements for something else. That might be annual leave, it might be sick leave, it might be changed work arrangements, it might be working.

Work out what’s right for you, but unfortunately if you’re well enough to work then your employer generally won’t give you much paid leave over your usual entitlement. Unpopular reality that tends to rear its head in these situations is that annual leave is leave for the year (like it says on the tin), it’s not just for holidays. It may be worth talking about whether can use some leave to reduce hours for a bit. That can be a good way to help things feel manageable.

As with others, we get 3-5 days for a parent. I did get a day for the funeral and a separate day for the ashes but I didn't take much time around the death itself, so I was in the right ball park in total.

I am sorry for your loss.