Is this recoverable or do I have to quit?

[scaredandspiralling]

I started a new job in Feb. New company and a promotion, quite a different remit. Last job I’d been there ages, probably got a bit lazy, great work life balance.

The new job - I HATE it. Permanently stressed and feel desperately out of my depth. Nothing is familiar to me. Long hours, high volume of complicated, challenging work. Incredibly high performance culture and pace. Everyone has been there forever and are experts. They are lovely people but I don’t have anyone I can be honest with about how I’m feeling.

I just don’t know if I can turn it around. I feel like I’m failing and everyone can see it. People are kind but I feel like it’s pitying. I’m missing opportunities and struggling to stay afloat. Definitely not impressing anyone or delivering anything good.

I was so excited to start - couldn’t believe I’d been offered it - and now I am so miserable. I’m being a rubbish wife and mother because I’m always at the office, and have no work life balance at all. I can’t see how things can improve. I have an intense stress reaction whenever my Teams chat pings.

The only upsides: the pay, and having a job at all in this market. And I’ve lost 20lbs due to the stress!

Is it worth it? Will it ever improve or should I walk away while I’m still on probation (and before I’m pushed)? HELP.

That sounds horrible and stressful.

what was the deal re training and induction? Do your employers know this is a new remit for you? And is your manager supportive, can you talk to them?

you’ve only been there what 3 months? There will be a learning curve and you may feel differently in another 3 months.

My manager is lovely and quite approachable, but based in another office and not directly involved in my work - I don’t want to tell him that I’m struggling because he’s probably not seeing it himself, and it feels like a small reprieve.

Ok so do you have some first objectives? How is your manager managing your work or overseeing the delivery of your objectives? You should in the first 3 months in a new job have some fairly regular check ins, also there must be some training available? The first 3-6 months is often a massive learning curve but it’s also the grace period for being new and inexperienced. If you leave it and don’t talk to your manager now you risk being 6+ months in and then you start to be exposed if you’re not on top of things, and claiming newbie status then doesn’t wash so well.

Can you stand back a bit from things and identify the areas you need help with, the areas you need to be trained in, where you might get the info you need etc? Who could help? Is there someone you could shadow or who could mentor you? Is there some wider reading you could do? Or is the problem that because you don’t know enough, you also don’t know where to look or how to start because you’re in the dark about key info or processes or even if they exist?!

If you can go to your manager with an idea of what’s going well (and I bet there are some things) and the bits you need help with, and your ideas for what that help might look like, that’s a positive and proactive approach to take. I completely understand that no one wants to go to their manager and admit they are drowning and thinking of quitting.

You need to stop, breathe, step back and think calmly. Can you set aside some time in work to do that or take a morning off to chew it through quietly?

I would not want to stay in that type of environment.

Constant stress, long hours, physical and mental health and family life being affected.

That's not how I would want to live...

This sounds stressful but is it possible you're catastrophising? Nobody expects you to be great in your first few months. Are you missing deadlines/creating fuck-ups that affect others in the business, or are you just stumbling through by the skin of your teeth? I don't think the latter is a problem, you might just need more time and support. Can you talk to your manager and get their feedback? Figure out what support and training you need and ask them for it.

Do you have a mentor/buddy/coaching scheme available at your work? Or via Employee Assistance? It sounds like you could do with someone impartial to help work out whether it's true or your catastrophising/only seeing the worst.

How often do you meet your manager and how are you measuring up against their expectations? It's very hard going form somewhere where you are an expert and the one people went to do the new person that has to go to others, might it just be this but your perception of it is a bit off?

There's a reason I've stayed with the same employer for over 25 years and it links in highly with the above!

You are probably performing better than you think.
who manages your day to day work - what is their feedback. Have you asked for feedback or been given any? If not, ask for some. How others perceive you and your performance can be very different to how we see ourselves.

how often do you have reviews/catch-ups? You need to be discussing your performance against objectives and beIng proactive in identifying areas where you need development/training. If you’re not having regular reviews, get one booked. Take control of the situation, it will make you feel better.

the suggestion of getting a mentor/coach is a great one - also, can you link into any working parent/carer groups there might be. You’ll find support there.

If your manager is lovely, I would ask for a meeting. Most employers want their employees to do well, so I’m sure he’ll be supportive. At least you might feel better getting your feelings out in the open.

I started a job a year ago. I didn't make it to the end of probation (or rather, they didn't.) I left after 5 months.

Today I got a letter from HR to say I've completed probation at the job I left that one for - which is much closer to home, much more money, more training and no on-call, so better all round. It's not perfect, but it is very much better.

Get your CV out there. As long as you don't make a habit of it, it's okay to leave after a short while - and your health deserves better than this. Losing weight might be great if you're planning to do so, but if it's because of stress it's not good.

Although as you get on with your manager, it is worth speaking to him.

Thank you all for the kind and thoughtful replies.

There is little doubt I’m catastrophising. I can feel that I’ve lost all perspective on what the job is even about, let alone whether I’m capable of it. I just wish I could start from scratch and be better.

Hello, I was wondering how you are getting on in your job? Did it get better?
I’m in a similar position myself and looking for hope!

Hi @CookieQueen1986, sorry to hear you’re feeling the same!

Six months in and I still really dislike the job and the hours and the stress, but I’m feeling less intense panic all the time. So it’s sort of better but also sort of just a constant grind….