10 year old brother is being really rough with 12 year old sister.

[Soubriquet]

He keeps pushing her around, pulling at her clothes and stuff. He gets bollocked for it every time, but he doesn’t seem to get the message. We have made her bedroom off limits to him now (he used to be able to go in and watch tv with her), and unless they are actively playing nicely together, he’s told to completely leave her alone

It works, for a few days, and then he forgets and starts being rough again. He leaves her in tears sometimes

Any tips please!

Punish him every time he does it eg take away a toy or game he likes.

Yes I agree, take away his phone or his time on the console if he has one. Bollocking him isn't working.

Consistent consequences every single time without fail. She needs to feel safe in her own home and he needs to learn violence is unacceptable. Whatever punishment you decide needs to be stuck to.

Violence is not acceptable. But I’d want to know why he’s resorting to that - is she winding him up (not an excuse but still important to address), is he witnessing violence and copying it, is it getting him attention that he wants? Is it just her he’s fighting with or does he get physical with friends or adults?

As well as getting angry with him has anyone sat down with him when all is calm and asked him about it? It doesn’t sound like “bollocking” is working.

He doesn’t have a phone or his own gaming stuff so we can’t take those away. He has a shared switch with his sister, and he loses the privilege of playing it if he acts up. I think it’s important I add that he has ADHD (he’s on the SEN register), so sometimes he just lashes out without thinking.

Dd has been known to wind him up, and she gets in trouble when she does it, but sometimes he is just hard work. Doesn’t help DD seems to have misophonia, so when we are watching a film and he’s chewing away and not shutting up, it does trigger dd to tears. That one, he’s not in trouble for, but we do have to tell him to chew quieter or stop talking!!

As to his roughness, it’s hard. He can be the sweetest boy ever. So gentle, tells others to stop bullying others at school, and is actually picked on a lot at school because of it.

I think he just lets his frustrations out on her which isn’t fair and we do talk him about it.

I think he forgets his sister is growing up now. She doesn’t want to be playing with her little brother and he tries to initiate it in the worst way by pushing her, trying to tickle etc.

We keep talking about consent, and how he shouldn’t be doing it. Especially when he tries to force his sister for a cuddle. He genuinely wants to give her a hug, but she doesn’t want it. I have to explain to him time and time again, that because she doesn’t want to, it’s not ok to force it.

I’m hoping as he gets older, he starts to settle a little bit and realise it’s not being mean, it’s the way of life.

So I'm probably going to get torn for shreds as a 'gentle parent' but I am coming at this from bringing up neurodiverse children, now older teens. Also see "how to talk so kids will listen..." book.

Take him out of a "proper chat". Buy him a hot chocolate somewhere or get some treats in. Ask him why he does these things, in a non judgemental way, and really listen to the answers. Does he think it's ok or does he want help to stop? If the latter then go away, you both have a think, then come together again to brainstorm ideas on how to stop it happening. Write down all ideas no matter how silly, and weed through them together.

Maybe they both need some sort of non -verbal signal eg hands up palms showing in a "hands off don't touch" gesture, or a quick familiar verbal signal "give me some space...man" in their best Sam Ryder voice / "don't touch". So your daughter can do that if he is getting close.

It sounds like there is a wider pattern of him irritating her though and maybe she needs more agency here so it's not always him having to change his behaviour. Eg she has headphones and you add subtitles to TV if the background noises are annoying her.

With a much younger child we used to do tickle games where the person being tickled had complete control. They say go and stop, the person doing the tickling obeys the commands and may tease but never ever tickles unless given a go signal. He might be much too old for this now but maybe you can think of a similar game where he can practice restraint. You can say it til you're blue in the face, he'll forget in the moment, whereas physically practising the skill is much more effective and builds the brain pathways, or something.