Talk to me about a 10 year plus age gap

[SunnyRiverside]

My kids are 11, 14, 18. 18yo no longer lives at home.
I have a partner and we’re planning to marry and he hasn’t any kids and really wants one. My heart says yes, but I’m worried how such a large age gap would work practically. Can anyone with experience talk to me about it? Do the older ones resent a new baby in such a different stage of life?

The short answer is yes. You'll have a noisy toddler taking up your time, energy and attention while your older kids are trying to study for exams. It will completely change the dynamic you have with them.

Oh dear.

May I ask - are you talking from experience?

It’s probably not the be all and end all, but a thought I had recently given that my dd is doing GCSEs at the moment was ‘thank goodness I can give her a quiet space to revise and my full attention for help if she needs it.’ She is immensely privileged over others who would have a toddler in their house.
this isn’t a massive thing of course, but it will extend so far beyond it.
maybe my teenagers would like a toddler running around, but life as they know it, and it’s a lovely life of holidays and going out to age appropriate stuff cos we can, would be totally different.

do you want a baby op? Take your partner out of it if that’s possible.

How old are you and how old is your partner?

in this case honestly I couldn’t do it - I have 7 years and it’s hardcore. I’m almost starting secondary school with youngest and eldest is just finishing.

It really doesn’t matter what he wants - what do you want??

Do you have enough space in the home that everyone has their own room?
Do they rely on you for lifts etc because you live rurally and they have lots of hobbies and sports that they need driven to?
How will their lives change because of a baby ? For example if they can have friends round whenever they want right now and after baby you say no, then it’s going to cause friction.
How will a baby affect your finances? If it means no more holidays, driving lessons etc then the older kids will naturally be annoyed.
Will they be expected to babysit to help out?
Are they more babied than their peers or quite independent ? What I mean is if you give lifts to school “because it’s cold” or pick them up to save them the hassle of a taxi and stop then they are not going to be impressed.

My DDs were 11 and 14 when DS was born. They adore each other. It’s more a parent child relationship than siblings. DS is 24 now.

Has the 18 year old gone to uni? It’s nice to have a bedroom that the 18 year old can use in the holidays and in between graduating and saving enough to move out.

As I said, my heart says yes, though this is because I want HIS baby. I wouldn’t want one randomly and I was happy with the idea of being single forever before I met him, but then I did and he’s the love of my life. I know people will roll their eyes but he really is, and I’d love to have a baby with him if possible. We’re both around 40 so I realise it may never happen in any case. I do want to consider my other kids needs though and not be totally mad.

18yo is complicated, has moved out and won’t come back. I am very aware that a new baby would take that room but they won’t come back seriously.

Oh goodness, that might be another problem - if a new baby takes their room, they definitely won’t come back! Although you might be happy with that, can’t tell from your response!

Sadly yes - nearly ten years between me and my little brother.

It's well-known that older kids are more at risk when there's a baby in the house. They get ignored a lot, they get left to their own devices a bit too much, and they also get 'told' to babysit (hard to say no when it's your own parents asking/telling). Worse case is that parents completely drop the ball with the older ones while all their attention is on the younger one. The child most at risk here will be your 14 year old - just into adolescence and all that that entails, and you will be too busy with the baby to safeguard them.

But what is so difficult about it?

That was 7 years between me and my sister and there were no issues at all.

Do either of your children have special needs?

At risk from what? Genuine question

Why is it complicated? Have they moved out because of your new partner?

At risk as in parents busy with baby so older ones hanging out in parks too long and too late smoking weed / drinking etc. Parents might not want to come out late to fetch older kids from parties etc, so older kids stay the night in dubious houses with dubious people and girls in particular are vulnerable to predatory males (some of whom might seem like 'nice' boys on the surface but faced with a vulnerable teen whose parents are disinterested, take the opportunity to take advantage).

Also at risk of not meeting their potential at school, again because parents distracted by baby and don't have the time to help with homework or talk about options etc.

Not at all. Moved out before due to extreme violence. Will never come back because my younger children need protecting from it.

Yes, interesting question.
OP: why do you say that your 18yo "won't come back" for sure? At 18 you're still so young and still need your mother/parents obviously...

Re the issue of having another child: I have no first hand experience, but it was a common age gap in older generations in my family. I don't think it's the end of the world, but it will have an impact of course. But, c'est la vie. I do believe it is ultimately your choice. Good luck either way and for all of you 💐

Crossposted with you. I'm sorry to read that and for everyone involved...

My dc are 18, 25, and 37.
Maybe we've been lucky but it's never been a problem. They have always been close. The relationship they have now as adults is really lovely. No regrets at all for us.

I’m the youngest of 4 in this same scenario. My three siblings are all fairly close and meet up, keep in touch etc. Despite my best efforts they don’t keep in touch although I’d say they do love me and there’s never been any bad blood. We mainly only see each other when someone dies nowadays. At the same time I was effectively golden child who sucked up all the attention, and grew up with more opportunities than the older ones did so it must’ve been hard for them.

My 3 were 14,11 & 8 when no4 was born
same dad just a late goal!

I was crazy busy with school runs and extracurricular activities but no4 was a great baby and loved the chaos.

The older children loved the novelty of a younger sibling and it was a really lovely dynamic in our home.

I saw your children had a rough time with their older sibling. My only concern is would they be likely to have similar mental health issues?
Has their trauma been addressed with counselling? Your priority has to be your existing children first.

My daughters are 4, 13 and 16.

Never really been an issue. Quite the opposite I guess. The youngest dilutes that awkward teenager atmosphere that sometimes happens in the house. She’s a ray of sunshine. We all say that. I’m very aware of eldest doing GCSEs etc and homework for both the teens. And we are lucky to have a large house. 2 living rooms etc. so easy to get away from each other.