How do you do it all? I think I'm having an identity crisis.

[december2020]

I wasn't sure what would be the most relevant topic for this thread, so I picked Chat.

I think I'm having an identity crisis. As in, the potential I could be, and who I would like to be is too far away from who I am.

The solution is 'simple', It's basic things like eating healthier and drinking less, having more sleep, exercising more and generally being more active and doing more. However, although I know the answer, I just don't do it.

I don't know why! And the rift between my current self and my 'potential self' grows wider, as does my frustration in myself.

Again, I know the answer is to make time for it. I know this.
I have a big RTO mandate and DH works shifts. It means on his non-shift days bt my work days, I am out the door by 7am to go to work and back home around 7/8pm (1.5h commute each way). On his shift days I juggle school drop-offs/pick ups and then make up the hours in the evening (DH covers school on his non-shift days).

On weekends if he's on shift I am solo parenting, on weekends when he is off, I am so exhausted I fritter my time away. I cannot afford to move closer to London in Zone 1-2, my local area is probably 'leafier' for DC but my local area doesn't cater to my profession (which tends to sit in big hub cities) so finding work locally is limited and close to half my current salary..

Something has got to give and I just don't what how to break my bad habits to get to my potential and happier self.

So I ask, how the hell do you do it?
What am I doing wrong?

Can you reduce yo ur hours OP? I wasn’t able to really take care of myself until o was working g apart time and the kids were at school.

I’ve reduced my hours for this reason. I need to lose another stone, get more active, etc. All while managing two children, a full on job and all the life admin that seems to exist.

i can’t do it all. So im not going to. And since im important i need to cut out something (work) to be able to look after myself.

You are doing nothing wrong, to the contrary you are doing absolutely loads and probably better than most.

If you can't reduce hours try to outsource as much as you can. Buy quality home made meals that are nutritious. Or meal plan for a few months having the same thing every Monday, Tuesday etc so you can batch cook a bit and dont have to think about it. get a cleaner or any kind of domestic help. All this of course depends on your finances as none are cheap.

Try and incorporate little things into your day rather than finding time periods for exercise. There was a time in my life where any exercise seemed impossible due to DH working away and DS was a baby but then I started walking 20 mins at lunch, 3 or 4 days a week. I slipped on my runners and walked twice around a business park and felt fitter within weeks. Also remember this is just a phase, the kids get bigger and the work load lessens. It's ok to accept that what you are doing now is enough.

Thank you everyone!!

I think with most clients you could reduce days but I work in a setting where I think reducing to 4 days may not get accepted. We have one woman who works 4 days currently and it’s leaving huge gaps and a lot of people quite frustrated that they’re having to pick up her work as something urgent comes in and she isn’t there.

We have a cleaner who comes every second week and I thank my lucky stars for that, it helps a lot! I wish I could afford it every week.

i just feel so run down and frumpy and carrying the extra 10 pounds of weight it getting me down.

i walk to and from the train station, home and office which is about 4.5 miles (walk to station, walk to work, walk from work to station, walk home). But my crummy food and wine habits seem to be removing any positive effect there.

i really do hope it’s going to get easier as the thought of doing this for the next 20 years and running myself down further is so depressing. I just feel like this wasn’t the version of myself I had envisioned.

Hopeful bump

What age are your DC OP? I don’t really have any tips but I am in the same frustrating situation where the weeks just go by without me having made any of the changes I want to make for me. If they need something I seem to find the time! However it strikes me that you’re kind of holding this perfect version of yourself in your head and comparing yourself to this fictional ideal, which probably isn’t great for your self esteem? That woman doesn’t exist, would it be easier to let that idea go and focus on the best things about yourself to start, while making small positive changes rather than comparing yourself to a perfect version of yourself?

DC is 4 - so still young but has a bit of independence.

i do agree that it’s easy to fall into the trap of the perfect vision of yourself but I do feel this is more aligned to an attainable potential.
Like surely being unhealthy and having bad habits cannot be my full potential?
it feels so attainable as I know I need to sleep more, eat healthier, drink less and do some exercise. Go out with the kids more and be more active. I just don’t do it. I don’t know why. I feel so exhausted or fritter my time away. It feels like a vicious cycle.

Pick small changes

have one day with no alcohol and keep that up for a month

look at your diet - perhap you can add some frozen veg or take a carrot stick instead of a biscuit for one snack - again not every snack just change one, just a little change that you can make

at the weekend - can you take a short walk ? Or a short walk at your lunch break ? Say a Wednesday ?

I could have written this OP except I do work 4 days (but my 3yo and 4yo aren’t in nursery that day, so it’s for quality time with them not getting my shit together). I feel like I’m giving everything 75% of the attention it needs (the kids, the job, my marriage, my house, myself) despite giving 150%. Same commute, same mad juggle with DH and all I do at 8pm once the kids are down is flop, pay the bills on my phone, eat crap and drink wine. Rinse and repeat. I don’t know how you manage with full time parenting some weekends on top of that.

I don’t have the answers but for me right now I’m focusing on it being better when I have the kids in school, ergo more money, ergo more I can outsource. And I remind myself I’m still paying into a pension! And I do enjoy my job. Basically right now trying to find the things I’m grateful for is saving me - though some days it works better than others!

Oh, I do try and do some me time stuff on the commute. Podcasts, reading. It’s trite but it helps to think of that time as not being entirely dead.

Sorry if this has already been asked but could you
work from home even one day a week?

The things that help me go in the right direction are:

Journalling - so I'm clear what I want
Manifesting meditations - to visualise myself getting there
Listening to the music I loved when I was most free/full of energy, eg about 18-21 years old

It's about taking a step back then focusing in again

In all fairness, you are stretched very thin. Full time was fine when I was young and single but it gets harder as you get older.

You need to start building small daily habits. Atomic Habits is a brilliant book that will help.

@december2020 what' RTO in this context please?

I had to adjust my expectations of myself when workingkong hours. My brain can't switch modes without a time lag!

I think it means Return to Office?

How about getting a foldable bike to speed up the walking part of your commute? You could potentially get it through the cycle to work scheme.

Is there any way you could work on your commute to reduce the evening catch-up sessions? If I travel off peak I can get a seat and do reading, commenting docs etc.

If working isn’t possible could you get some audiobooks for the commute? Basically I’m a commuter and I hate it 😜 so this is where all my ideas are at!!

The other thing I do is watch shows to help me get more organised, eg The Batch Lady and Sort Your Life Out. You could maybe save some time on cooking or cleaning, and your partner can watch too.

Yes apologies for the acronym. RTO is return of office and we are mandated to be in the office 4 days a week, 1 day at home.

On the commute I tend to do a few things (in no particular order or priority) read a book, Mumsnet scroll, work emails or teams chats or a podcast. Oddly I don’t mind the commute in itself - just the time drain trying to do everything else.

i think I need to try shift small daily habits but don’t I actually put them into action? What is wrong with me!

Sending you all the hugs.
I went through this when I went back to work after Mat Leave and my despair! The messy house, the drop offs, actually spending time with DH rather than just doing house work/parenting etc.

2 years on I'm no better. I dropped to part time, the reality being we went overdrawn every month and I was utterly depressed I couldn't contribute much.

So next week I'm upping to 30 hours D: and I'm telling myself the money will help, I'll get a cleaner, but I won't be able to do drop offs and I don't know how much exercise I'll get.
(It was up my hours or become a SAHM so I've opted for this as I spent 20k qualifying and other people do it!)

I think, awful though it is, this is the reality of a working mum. 😭😭😭

This is the reality of "having it all" basically meeting yourself coming back.
I am a single parent (4 kids adults now) always worked was really difficult to find time to do everything, but it sounds horrendous for you being out so early and getting back so late.If you were my daughter I would be seriously worried about you burning out.
I live in the North so don't know but is the cost of commuting worth it?

Can you set yourself a single change? To try and do everything at once is too much. Change is hard, but at least you're in the planning stage- next step doing it!
As pp said could you:

• not have wine in the week?

-swap sweet snacks for fruit/carrot sticks -go to bed 30 minutes earlier

Do one at a time, then it's more achievable. And celebrate your wins!

Full disclosure - I don't have children but I do live outside the city and have to commute in which door to door is about 1 hr 20 m give or take and my job is mentally really demanding and I have a health condition.

Health has 3 basic elements- eating healthy, walking, and strength training. Cardio optional.

Eating healthy- prep lunches at the weekend. This part takes initially planning and can take several weeks to get into the routine.

Walking- build it into the day - can you get off a stop earlier and walk 20-25 mins to work and vice versa and leave the office at lunchtime. Would your workplace allow for a standing desk? If WFH can you get a walking treadmill. 50 mins brisk walking = 8k steps.

Strength training - I say this as its by far the most efficient form of exercising for results. 30m a day. A midweek gym on the way home, a Friday morning session and a Sunday morning session. Some home adjustable hand held weights that go up to 16kg each are useful. Consider getting a PT to design the programme.

Cardio - I find this easier to do at the weekend- spin is efficient or a swim. If you like cycling - a bike stand that converts an outdoor bike into a stationary one is good. Also running! Literally just trainers and go.

Bedtime- try for 3 nights a week on time and if possible a bit of extra sleep on a couple of nights

There IS a gap between the ideal self and the self as you currently are.

It is called reality.

It is simply not possible to have it all and be it all. Instead you need to decide on the best compromises and work hard to achieve those.

I sympathise and also am so sorry for everyone else going through this too! it's so tough and I feel a bit like a shell of myself especially the last few years.

I do walk when it comes to office days, maybe around 4.5 miles? I tried to add up the distances from Google Maps. Bt definitely clock over 10k steps. It just isn't enough.

I will try do some meal planning this weekend as well as set some micro goals to try set myself up to be healthy for next week.
I am just exhausted and lacklustre all the time and easily fall back into my current routine of bad habits.

I completely also hear and echo the posts around an ideal self and reality, however, I genuinely do not think these changes should be an ideal, they really should be attainable. And it's depressing if this is going to be my reality and I will just best overweight and tired and unhealthy.