I'm sorry for the very long post ... I'd like to talk about it with someone but talking therapies haven't worked that well.
I'm 41 and to the outside world I live a nice privileged life, but the truth is that I carry WAY TOO MANY family secrets and that's eating me alive. I've also noticed than in the last 2 years or souve become more sensible to these topics being portrayed on TV/ Film.
I'll do it chronologically:
My maternal grandmother was not loved by her mother. Nobody really knows why but the theory was that she was not her mother's. She always held a grudge against her, and her last words were that she forgave her.
My maternal grandmother in turn was a soulless person and my heart breaks for my mom (and my uncles but mostly my mom). She got involved with a married man and had 4 children with him. She always told to her kids that she only ever wanted to have my oldest uncle and the other three were born because she couldn't afford an abortion.
Of the four: one ended up living with relatives (and he was sexually abused), my mother was given to a couple of strangers she met at a bus stop (thank goodness they were good people), no idea if my younger uncle lived with her or what, and the younges one was given away as a baby. She also tried to commit suicide with them in their apartment but she realised what she was doing and turned off the gas.
Once my mom returned living with her, my grandmother didn't let her go to school (because somebody had to make hot food for my uncles). She somehow disobeyed her and finished high school and even went to college. (I think my dad helped/encouraged her but not sure...)
Which now brings me to my father.... He had an OK childhood from what I know, but his dad left his mom for the other woman. My grandma resented this (no shit!) and took it out on her children. There's a story that he chased my dad with knives, but that's really as bad as it gets.
My mom only ever wanted a true and loving family (very understandable given what happened to her) so she clung to the idea with my dad. The reality is that my dad was an abusive drunk asshole that repeatedly cheated on her but denied it. They had horrible fights and was very violent, always threatening her that he'd send her to a mental institution and take us away from her. My mom was alone and her only help was my grandmother (thanks but no thanks!)
At this point you can figure out that my extended family was basically non existent and I had no real grandparents in my life.
I also have a sister that I don't talk to (more to come).
Anywho, when I was 16 my father killed a man. So he didn't end up in jail we had to move house fairly regularly and keep a low profile. My dad left the country and eventually came back. He got caught 20 years later when he was trying to claim for social security (when he had no need) and he's now in jail.
Me? Well I was continuously bullied about my appearance from very young until high school (I even won a prize for fugliest!) Never really had a boyfriend until I was 23, and never got kissed until I was 22. I accept that I'm not a universal standard beauty and I'm ok with that.
I eventually graduated from college, went to grad school and met my first husband. We had our daughter who I couldn't bond (and struggled with proper love) for the first 8-9 years of her life. I moved countries and I haven't had a proper circle of friends for the past 17-18 years.
I met my second husband about 8 years ago. We had a brief affair, but we all now a very relaxed and loving family life . Even my stepson got me flowers for mother's day. We have a son who I love (and I love my daughter too and tell her and show it to her as much as I can).
Oh yes last but not least my sister... Well I don't think I ever really loved her or was close to her. She always wore my clothes but I couldn't wear hers (because I'd make them bigger). She was always nast/bossy around me. She even dated my bully! (Yes the one that created the whole thing that I was fugly). She was always nosey about my life but we'd always fight . I really tried to not see her at all, but she'd always invite herself. Oh and she once said I only got close to my uncle for his money, when I loved him dearly and still miss him to this day. (She's never apologized for either BTW).
Because of my dad's situation they put the family business in my name. When they finally came to sell it, I told her that the least I could do, was to oversee that it was a good deal, and that our mother kept the money because our dad didn't deserve anything (besides he even wrote a legal notarized letter about rescinding any claims to all owned property with my mom). Anywho, last time she came she called me a thief because of this. She's also on my dad's side (who BTW once said that it was OUR fault he killed a man). I'm actually quite glad my sister is not part of my life and I hope I really never get to see her again.
Anyway, that's my story, thanks for reading it.