Cancel or go ahead (IVF related)

[Crisisorchangeofheart]

secondary infertility have one dd aged 4 who is due to start reception in September. Have been ttc #2 since she was 6 months old as have known male factor issues.

I’ve become more and more upset over the years that it hasn’t happened and had been trying to distract myself with hobbies etc as every month was so disappointing. The thing is (and I’m not sure if I’m having a crisis due to nerves ?) but we are about to start an IVF with ICSI cycle and I’ve suddenly got cold feet. All the hobbies I was using to distract myself have actually become really enjoyable. Dd is easier now and starting school in September and I think if things had happened earlier then yes I’d have been fine with 2 dc but now the age gap seems so big and i was thinking how if it doesn’t work I’ll be fine then I started to feel like if it does work I feel almost anxious about how that will change my life I’ve got used to and then it’s turned into secret thoughts of actually hoping it doesn’t work ??? What’s wrong with me ??? Dh is excited and I don’t know how to say I’m not sure anymore and I can’t go into it hoping it’ll fail.

Or am I just nervous 😬 I really don’t know. I can book counselling via the clinic perhaps that’s a good idea ? But it would mean postponing now and then it would be obvious I’m nervous / having second thoughts

I wouldn't go through with it if I had any doubts.

It’s just been a weird series of thoughts I’ve been so desperate for years and each month so upset with negative tests yet I started to think of it doesn’t work I’ll get through it and that’s progressed to worrying about lifestyle changes and going back to nappies and bottles then this feeling of almost fear of it working ? I can’t work out of I’m just nervous about the process of I’ve changed my mind

How old are you? Are you in the position to revisit in a couple of years?

I wouldn't book counselling through a clinic that profits from ivf.

I’m 40 so not really although my egg reserve AMH level was good

Hey, we are in a similar situation. Dd is 4 this year. We have been trying for a sibling for 2 yrs. Unexplained infertility. It took 2 yrs to conceive dd, had failed IVF two months before she was conceived naturally. Have frozen embryos. We have had one failed transfer and are doing another soon.

I'm conflicted too. I love our life as a 3, we have a nice balance and it's easier financially. My head says let's stay a 3. BUT, my heart wants another. I feel sad that she doesn't have a sibling and I see families with 2 children. IVF is also brutal and expensive.

I think I am unconsciously trying to find the positives of having an only to gain acceptance of our situation. I did this before I fell pregnant- was coming to terms with being child free after 2 years of failure. Infertility is incredibly hard to navigate. I have said we'll try until the end of next year as I don't want a huge age gap. I feel happy to have a boundary and honestly feel so incredibly blessed to have my miracle baby. Good luck

This is what’s confusing me I can’t work out if my mind is just tricking me into feeling this way so I’m not devastated if it doesn’t work or if I’ve really changed my mind because even in Jan and Feb this year I was in tears with negative tests but now I feel such a strange sense of anxiety .

Its just so difficult and like you I feel as if I want my dd to have a sibling but it’s just become such a ordeal to get to that point that I feel burnt out

One option could be to have a freeze all cycle. This could buy you a bit more time to decide how you really feel and takes the pressure off a bit. Esp with you being 40 too.

i appreciate that won’t be for everyone with what’s involved for the treatment and high costs etc but it is an option.

@Crisisorchangeofheart It's probably a combination of everything. Infertility and the failure each month is emotionally draining and devastating. Unless you've experienced it, you can't understand it. IVF is also not a miracle cure, it's stressful and expensive, the outcome is not certain. It's not surprising you feel burnt out. I don't think the anxiety over proceeding with IVF, is because you have completely changed your mind. Your brain is probably in self protection mode and you're gradually accepting your situation. It's a good thing because even if you do the IVF, you're not putting so much pressure on it working.

I have doubts too, but am proceeding with another FET and trying not to overthink it.

I believe you hitting 40 will have a hormonal change which may be contributing to your change of heart.

Ultimately building your family is based on your head and your heart and your hormones! Maybe you just have changed your mind. It happens, your husband may come round, IVF is brutal.

Slightly different situation but I had secondary infertility after dc1. I was 39 when we first started trying for dc2 and we decided not to go for ivf as the stats seemed quite pessimistic and it felt a bit hopeless and a waste of money (would have been 40 by the time ivf started).

In the end we did have a dc2, but after one tfmr and after giving up really trying and accepting it probably wasn't going to happen (stopped all tracking and testing, the only thing we did was not use contraception). We had got to a stage where we would have accepted having dc1 as an only and I think we'd have had a lovely, simpler and easier life if that's how things turned out. Not that we regret having dc2, but we were no longer desperate for it to happen and weren't trying very hard. We have a 4 year gap and it's bigger than I would have liked, but then again it's also been nice to focus on one baby at a time and have the older one at school.

I think this is fairly common and normal in the circumstances. I know personally of two people who were in the same boat — experienced secondary infertility and started to really embrace the aspects of having an only child in case it never worked out. In both cases, it did eventually work out, and they were both very happy in the end.

In general, I don’t really relate to the idea that if you have any doubts or see any downsides you should never get pregnant. Maybe that makes sense for some people but I think there are others of us that it doesn’t apply to because we tend to just be the type of people who have doubts, etc.

Ok a bit different. But we put all the cash into our children. We did get there. After 8/10 years and multiple miscarriages. I was absolutely determined it’s all it consumed my mind couldn’t think of anything else - to have the number of children I wanted.

However, being at this side of the fence I do love them all. However, one has special needs quite extreme. If I wouldn’t have paid for xyz he probably wouldn’t have been born. My life would have been different. He maybe wouldn’t have been born. Our family life would of been different

I say you have to go absolutely with your gut feeling and you can only make that call. If that’s what you want go for it if it’s not don’t.

I got the children I wanted however if it was “natural” and not necessary “forced” as such I might not of have had a special needs child. But maybe I would. You just don’t know.

However, sometimes I honestly wonder if we didn’t have the consultant or if if not paid maybe this wouldn’t have been my life …..

To go back in time ….. but I get it consumes you and only you the OP can decide what you want! Good luck

I really empathise. We took two years to conceive and then when our DD was 2 we tried unsuccessfully to conceive again. Did two rounds of IVF and neither worked. I said at that point (40) that I was totally done with trying to conceive (my DH would have kept going). I find it all very complicated emotionally. At times during the IVF process I felt devastated but at the end when I drew a line under it I did feel some relief. Ultimately, I think I’m a good mum and might have struggled with two children. I also enjoy the routine we have as a family of 3 and the amount of free time and independence I have. Yet I still occasionally feel an overwhelming sadness that we weren’t able to have a second. Infertility is very challenging. Good luck for whatever you decide to do.

@painauchoc512 this is a hugely helpful post. Thank you ❤️