Is having a village and a secure attachment impossible?

[dancingqueen345]

Secure attachment is probably the wrong phrase here but I can’t think what the right one is.

I’m incredibly fortunate that I have an amazing village in my mum, I truly don’t think I would be enjoying parenting as much if it weren’t for her. My kids absolutely adore her, her house is set up like a childminders and they are as comfortable there as at home, if not more.

BUT I am starting to get so sad when I go to pick my toddler up and he just doesn’t want to come home, it’s really breaking my heart and I feel like if I disappeared he’d be perfectly happy. Obviously I am so happy that I get to go to work and know my baby is loved and having the time of his life, but I’ve started getting anxious about picking him up because I don’t want him to reject me.

When he’s at home he’s absolutely fine, loving, utterly gorgeous, it’s just these change over periods really.

Has anyone experienced similar and can reassure me that he will still understand who his mum is?

Your child loves you best.
If your child is confident to reject you it's because they are securely attached.

Preferences and playing faves is also developmentally normal.

Easy to say hard to do but relax

Secure toddlers can be very confident away from their parents because they trust they are safe. He wouldn't be happy if you completely disappeared. But you always come back, so he continues to feel safe.

Of course he knows who his mum is.

He’s just been having a nice time, and he knows he’s going home to bed!

The idea you need to be 1-1 at all times is absolutely insane and one of the many unrealistic demands on modern mothers. It’s good he feels safe and happy with other people.

Ignore all the rubbish on Mumsnet about how you can’t possibly love your kids enough if you aren’t with them 24/7. In many cultures it’s perfectly normal to have a ‘viallge’ and in my experience results in confident, self assured children growing up and happier parents.

Small children often act oddly at ‘handover’ periods, either because they’re just focused on whatever their doing in that setting and don’t want to stop, or because they’re aware of the transition between two different careers (I remember DS acting out like mad aged about three when DH or I could collect him from his childminder, because he grasped that at handover, no one was fully ‘in charge’ for a few minutes), or because as a pp said, it signals the end of the day.

I wouldn’t give it a second thought. Her having a secure attachment to your mum doesn’t in any way lessen her attachment to you.

Human children are capable of having a secure attachment to more than one caregiver. I believe it’s three or four.

so small babies don’t need a village but you don’t need to do 1:1 either.

Your mum isn’t a village, she’s one other caregiver. Unless you are worried about your mum undermining you, you are being unreasonable, but we’ve probably all been there. Only you can make the call if you think your mum is trying to undermine you. It’s also okay to worry that Granny gets to do all the fun stuff and you are the boring one - that’s easy enough to change the balance of.

Being part of a village isn't just about having things which benefit you or your children.

This is perfectly normal. My DD went through a phase of screaming and crying when her dad picked her up from the childminder but not when I did. She adores her dad and grew out of it. No one could work out why she did it. They’ve always been close and still are.
There’ll be another phase along soon to create a different reason to worry. That’s just parenting.

They have different personalities. My eldest was happy to go off anywhere with anyone for any length of time and never seemed to miss me 😂 My youngest has a different dad and has always been pretty clingy to us both. Some kids are just different. They’re both happy and well adjusted- just different. My son is extremely laid back and easy going whereas my daughter is more of a thinker and more cautious. Nothing wrong with either of them- again, just different.

Thank you so much everyone, can’t tell you how much better that’s made me feel!