What you call it/is there a term for when someone says 'I'm fine, don't worry about me' when you know they mean the opposite?

[Canshehavewaferthinham]

I have a friend who does this. Often.We have a group chat with a friend group and this friend has been on a hen do today and has just put in the group that they're going home. Friend is MOH and it is unusual to be going home at this time so someone has replied saying 'how come you're leaving early, is everything okay?'

Friend has said 'I'm fine, don't worry about me'.
From experience, she only ever does this when she's very upset about something-but what is it called? Is it passive aggression/emotional defensiveness?

Same friend also sometimes says things like 'I'm going to leave this group chat, you'll be fine without me' when any slight thing goes wrong, e.g. a simple misunderstanding that the rest of us are absolutely fine to sort out.

I just would like to understand things a bit better?

You don’t sound like you like this person very much and more pissed off with her than concerned

* just would like to understand things a bit better?*

She is not your cup of tea

I mean I call it attention seeking highschool horseshit and I like to greet it with an "oh cool glad you're ok" and then move the conversation on.

Maybe a more sensible term would be emotional manipulation? Trying to manipulate the readers into going "oh no Jane what's wrong, we can tell you're upset!"

i don’t have a name but to me it’s the equivalent of checking in to a hospital on Facebook

Passive aggressive 100% or victim mentality
Ignore it or call it out kindly to her
"I've noticed you don't speak your real feelings to us when you're hurt or we have misunderstandings. Is there any way we can help you feel more comfortable being able to express your real feelings? Or maybe you could have some space or a phone call ?"
Etc adapt as needed so it's not too therapy-speak (I'm in a therapist adjacent role lol)
Or even a more blunt "soandso, you need to be more comfortable speaking up and telling us how you feel so we can all be closer and support each other as friends"
Otherwise just ignore lol

Don't pander too much to it as its harmful for you all. She needs to communicate properly
Look up the drama triangle. She is in the victim dynamic and your friends in the rescuer

I’d assume it’s a clumsy attempt to withdraw to emotionally regulate, and I’d just give a bit of space and time before checking in. Not everyone can process emotional upset (or other types of overwhelm) quickly, and sometimes people can be more reactive than is considered acceptable.

DH says its a trap

I do like her. But out of the friend group I know her the least well and would like a better understanding, wondered if anyone on here does this or knows anybody who does and can enlighten me.

This is such a strange response. Yes, she's pissed off because the person concerned is a manipulative narcissist who responds to any perceived criticism by trashing everything - but she's a nice person so she's not saying it out loud.

OP, it's not passive aggressive, it's - as above - narcissistic manipulation.

Well this is sort of what I thought. I think once she's home and settled in a little she'll open up.
I sometimes do that-but the difference is I'd gather my thoughts completely first, I wouldn't say anything at all until then, because people become confused or worried.

I reckon she's feeling sorry for herself and doesn't have the emotional intelligence to articulate this.

I found that response strange too-I do like her, but these behaviours confuse me. There's never been any need for her to leave the group (and she doesn't) but she has said it often when anything is slightly wrong. From memory the last time was just when we couldn't find a mutually convenient date to meet for a drink and there were extensive conversations about it and in the end we just decided to revisit in a few weeks when people were less busy. No animosity or malice or anything, just a group of people talking and the rest of us all understood, we're adults, we're busy, It's fine.

"you'll be fine without me" is not an attempt to emotionally regulate - it's the group chat version of a suicide threat.

Most people do do that, to be fair!

That, is worrying. I think what I'll do is give her an hour or so to get home and then if she hasn't messaged again I will check in on her.

Thank you, that is helpful. I know the drama triangle! But I probably need a refresher.

Sounds like they're wise to her shit then!

OMG no OP. You have clearly had a lovely upbringing where you were not manipulated, or alternatively one where you were always manipulated and you haven't had enough therapy.

The operative word is 'threat'. She is absolutely not suicidal she is just deploying terms which resonate with that idea.

It's manipulative. Designed to make everyone immediately say "oh but we are worried; what's wrong; how have we upset you; what can we do to make it okay" etc etc. If you respond as above, it cements their victim status. The best thing is not to respond, or respond as someone upthread says "glad you're fine".

I didn't/don't think she's actively suicidal, sorry -realise I wasn't clear. I do think she might be feeling the thoughts rather than making plans.

I don't think my upbringing is relevant as I feel this is quite a straightforward question, I wanted people's experiences.

She's not thinking the thoughts - she's deploying the threat!

I can see that. I feel close enough to her to approach this (gently) as she does tend to listen to me. Only if she comes to me first.

It’s masking or incongruence - she’s feeling one thing and saying another, and you’re picking up on the disconnect. She’s probably not being deliberately manipulative but maybe she just doesn’t know how to talk about her feelings or ask for what she needs.

She might be feeling too anxious, overwhelmed or even emotionally shut down at those points where she’s exiting the conversation. She might not even realise what she’s feeling, deep down. No one here can really answer - only her.

She might feel safe enough to tell you certain things, but she might not feel safe enough with other people. So she might tell you about something difficult that’s happening to her, but at the same time say she’s fine to others because she’s not comfortable to share the same things with them.

I think the best thing to do is take her word for it - trust that she’s grown up enough to speak for herself and if she says she’s fine, assume she’s fine. But if you’re alone with her you could say to her, ‘I get the sense that you’re not really fine / you might be feeling anxious’ etc, and maybe she’ll open up to you more. Maybe she won’t. She might need therapy really and you can’t save her, just be there for her in line with whatever capacity you have.