Spanish family-centric parenting

[L00pyLou]

Found this letter mildly frustrating - so what is Spanish family-centred parenting?

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/may/23/were-too-obsessed-with-child-centred-parenting-in-spain-the-happy-family-comes-first

Any Spaniards or expats able to expand? 🙏

I am from a Spanish family, although my mother was abusive, my Abuela was wonderful. As a result my children, my cousins etc are all wonderful. We have a very matriarchal system and as my mother is now in a home I am Abuela (grandmother). So it’s up to me to organise get together and just be there the’ for other family members. If you have a family Christmas or outing of 20 or me, children are expected to be understood, but equally know that they are part of a structure, a much more gentle structure of knowing you place, know where you fit and are comfortable.
mealtimes are often family times, and that too is different, children are allowed wine, and allowed choices at the table. Just as an adult does. Talking is encouraged.
The Brits always seem very uptight about their kids.

I agree with the family centredness and this thread is making me realise how I’ve subconsciously adopted that with my family and so have my siblings - I have a Spanish parent but live in the UK. I don’t think this is exclusive to Spain though.

I’ll say this though - family centred it may be but Spanish parenting seems (to me) much stricter in general than in the UK. There is a much higher expectation of good behaviour and more disciplining. Some aspects of this a good, others perhaps not so good.

Of course this is a generalisation and others may have a different view on it.

Agree with the above. I was raised in the UK, but have a Spanish parent and lots of family in Spain. Parenting is stricter than here, but definitely more family centred. Children are included in everything, so not uncommon for my cousins to be out at the bars with their children from a young age. Family meals last for hours, and the children just join in, sit, eat everything.

I do notice how my cousins ' children seem noticeably better behaved and more mature than children here.

Not perfect though, and they have the same issues and family problems, feuds, disfunction as here!

We own a house on the Spanish/Portuguese border and the majority of families there are well to do Spanish ones from Madrid or similar.
The kids are beautifully turned out and polite in general but vrey much left to their own devices, some Portuguese people we know who go to that area a lot say that Spanish kids are "feral"

Kids are included, and activities are family centred, but expected to behave. There isn't the culture of parents going out drinking in the same way there is in the UK. Also people don't go to each other's houses in the same way we do, they meet at a cafe or a park.

Spanish families are very tight-knit and are there to support each other. DC are very much part of the family from a young age and included in all events, including those late at night.

This means they have much better social skills and know how to get on with people of all ages. There is also less reliance on screens- not because parents restrict them, but as there is a lot more in person socialising.

There is much less pressure in Spanish society in general and very little helicopter parenting. DC have much more freedom and it's not unusual to see them hanging out in parks at 10pm at weekends quite happily.

IMO it is much better and healthier overall. But a number of aspects would not be compatible with current U.K. parenting norms:

1. DC are not sent to bed ridiculously early to enable 'adult time.' They will be in bars at midnight with the rest of the family. I have seen a group of mothers arriving with prams at 10pm on a Monday evening- that would be a social services issue here.

1. DC have much more real life freedom, which means they naturally spend less time on screens. UK parents are obsessed with 'screen time' restrictions but do not give their kids freedom to develop independence.

1. Parents and the rest of the family are expected to continue supporting DC well last 18. They don't leave home until much later. It would be absolutely scandalous and shameful for parents to charge 'board' as some do here.

What did you find frustrating about it?

Thanks for the replies, it's interesting to read about parenting cultures in other countries - the family centric parenting you've described for me sounds much like the way I was brought up so not unfamiliar, insofar as being included in adult socialising and family events etc.

if you have a family Christmas or outing of 20 or me, children are expected to be understood, but equally know that they are part of a structure, a much more gentle structure of knowing you place, know where you fit and are comfortable.
@Gilead do you mean they're included but expected to be respectful of elders and behave well etc? If I've not quite got it could you expand a bit more please?

Also is it even OK to say Spaniards these days? Just occurred to me I usually say 'spanish' and maybe 'spaniards' is considered dated or even offensive? Huge apologies if I've put my foot in it!

They are included in an age appropriate manner in discussions about church, (we will have been or be going) that may run on to different choices when older. Discussions on their gifts the night before.
they are expected to wait their turn, display good manners and wait their turn at table and be invited to join the conversation but equally will not be encouraged to take over.

My experience of Spanish parenting (and Italian) as a tourist is that they have a much more collective view of child raising - so they are part of the community as well as part of the family. And a greater recognition of the fact they are people with their own thoughts and wishes. So an expectation they should behave and anyone can tell them off and use the immortal "I'm going to talk to your Mama" line but also that they will comfort them when upset and seek to make them happy if they cry, not see them as a nuisance.

Our culture seems to want to control children more and judge the parents who fail to control their children.

Families eat every meal together, (unless at work / school). Special occasions involve seeing family, in many families on some or all Sundays too. Teenagers/ young adults participate in the family life too…yes they might be out drinking in a park then at a nightclub until 6am but still expected to be at Abuela’s for lunch! And everyone eats the same food, babies just have it puréed and small children can’t have jamón in slices.

Spending holidays with grandparents and great grandparents and not totally child-oriented holidays, children expected to enjoy simple pleasures like playing with old board games / books / toys or watching their grandparents’ favourite TV show with them. Cousins almost as close as siblings as playing together, spending holidays together.

Oh and not necessarily relevant to family but school and education are massively respected and teachers are treated like gods by parents (even if maybe they have private opinions, they stay private, and, in front of your kid, what the teacher says is law!)

We live part time in v.family orientated European country and have made many friends locally too (as it takes a village and all kids play together) all I can say is people in uk tell me I have easy children and I got lucky but fact of the matter is they're raised like people have commented above and they're so, lovely. Thoughtful. I couldn't be prouder.

We are here for school terms as they go to school here and its amazing. Zero issues, smaller classes. I mean, unless I got lucky with the kids I have both being "easy", lucky their school is non problematic and classes small.....
I think embracing the culture here and becoming like that in the UK when I'm there with my family and friends has not only enriched my kids but also my life. We are all closer, happier etc and communicate better than before.

Yes to what someone also said about kids expected to enjoy basic life's pleasures too. My kids have learnt many card games to play with the elders and they genuinely enjoy it as there's also plenty of stories being told and generally they're being engaged with. Most the grandma's around here are related to the kids we know and in the summer they're getting snacks all over haha there's always some lemonade being made or granita etc I've found myself not wanting to go back to London! My family also prefer coming here to visit.

I've lived in Spain for 15 years, and have a 4yo DD with my Spanish husband. The view that Spanish children are better behaved just isn't one that I recognise. Yes they're involved in everything from a young age (bars etc.) but they're often running wild because the adults aren't paying much attention.

On the other hand, it's true that there is more of a community feel to child rearing, and I think a lot of that is down to people spending a lot more time socialising outside their homes (homes are usually flats and the weather permits spending time outside!) People don't worry about telling off other people's kids, for example.

Also, because people have their evening meal later, lots of children eat earlier, separate to their parents. Although it's true that lunch is usually all together. But my DD is practically the only child I know that eats the same as us and is adventurous in what she eats - there's still an old-fashioned view here, among parents and paediatricians, that children need "easy" food. Most restaurants (as opposed to local bars) have the usual children's menu of nuggets and pasta.

I see just as many kids here as in the UK sitting in buggies with a huge bag of crisps and a mobile phone spewing brain-numbing videos.

Where our Spanish house is there is a large town square and most nights there are a bunch of random Abuelos and Abuelas sitting around it
The kids run feral around it while parents eat/drink nearby by while the older adults keep an eye on procedings and dish out bollockings to anyone who needs one, a quick word or 2 usually does the trick.
The only time parents get involved was when we were there when Maddy McCann was snatched and the Abuelas were very concerned about 3 year old blonde DD being unattended (she wasn't I was watching her closely)