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Original poster

Is he just an arse or something more

14 replies

ThatBlueOtter · 23/05/2025 20:09

Noticed a while back H is drinking too much, and then getting low moods. Eating really poorly the following day. Finally realised wtf is happening here when I noticed myself planning stuff with the kids that had to avoid around expected hangover mornings

Anyway, tonight I decided not to be the ‘enabler’. So when he asked if I’d go shop (he doesn’t’ have his car right now) I said No. I said sorry, happy to go shops for anything else but I don’t want to get alcohol for you. I’ve explained why now a few times.

He then went into detail about how it never stops him doing things with the kids (it either does, or he wakes up groggy and has to be nagged at to do it, which stresses me out).

When I persisted with no, he told me I was a horrible fucking piece of work. Told me I would be paying for this by him definitely not coming swimming tomorrow, watching either child whilst the dog got her groom in the morning, nor would he be getting up with them. He said ‘no fucking way’. With a smile. Then slammed the door on the way out

The walk to our village corner shop is about 10/15 mins. He said before he didn’t want to do it, when I asked why he couldn’t just go, get his own alcohol, he told me cos he is looking a bit rubbish. Can’t I just go

When I asked him before he went out why he’s being like this, he said because I’m being a horrible fucking c*

No real advice needed. I knew there was a problem but the penny has finally dropped and it seems I am incredibly screwed.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatBlueOtter · 23/05/2025 20:12

I forgot to mention that whilst putting his shoes on, he said ‘I’m your husband. When I ask you to do something, you should just fucking do it. Not have me begging’

I said if the roles were reversed, would he do it for me? He said ‘yes, cos I don’t treat my wife like fucking shit’

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 23/05/2025 20:12

That would be the end of my marriage.

I would not tolerate anyone speaking to me like that. It's deeply unpleasant - and why does he get to decide he's not doing any parenting and 'that will teach you to obey'?

He's a waste of skin. Go speak to a solicitor and get rid.

Original poster
ThatBlueOtter · 23/05/2025 20:15

I have never got drunk and don’t like alcohol. So for a long while, I was a bit naive and oblivious to how this ends up. I honestly just didn’t know.

Believed him when he said it was very normal, loads of people, normal people, drink like this. NHS guidelines about units are just bollocks and over the top’

I sort of fell for it, to be honest. I have a stressful life and have sort of ignored this issue for a long time. Worried about opening a can of worms and addressing it properly

OP posts:
DrummingMousWife · 23/05/2025 20:15

You know who he is and what his priorities are. why haven’t you packed and left yet ?

Zoec1975 · 23/05/2025 20:18

But he does talk to you like crap:(

Original poster
ThatBlueOtter · 23/05/2025 20:19

I suppose I was convinced this was just a blip and a slight issue, a problem that could be described as ‘a problem with alcohol’ but not an actual alcoholic. The online definitions and support websites confuse me, if I’m honest

I thought, he can’t be an alcoholic. He can give up if he wants to, he’s done that before. I also think ‘it’s not that bad, surely? Because alcoholics always think of alcohol. And drink frequently. He only drinks once or twice a week’

Problem is, it fucks up his entire week it seems

OP posts:
ZebraPrintt · 23/05/2025 20:23

Seems like he can't have a night off the alcohol, why couldn't he just accept it or react differently. He took that way too far OP. He probably has no idea he has a problem, and you and kids are suffering because of it. Totally not fair, have you spoke to him about it when he's sober?

SamDeanCas · 23/05/2025 20:26

Just wow! The way he’s spoken to you would be a deal breaker for me and a very clear indication of how much he needs alcohol.

I think you need to have a sit down and a very hard think about what this means for your relationship. And what sort of example you (and he), is setting for your dc.

his primary relationship at this point, is with alcohol and not you or your dc. Anyone who calls their wife a cunt because she didn’t go to the shop to buy alcohol, and then refuse to be a husband or parent as a result has a serious problem with alcohol

Binfire · 23/05/2025 20:37

Sorry you’re going through this. It does sound like he’s got a real problem and isn’t prepared to do the work needed to change.
His reaction to you not getting him booze is really telling, he was really nasty. You and the kids are not his priority now. Ask yourself if this is how you want you and the kids to be loved for the rest of your life, if it isn’t then you’ll need to start thinking about what you’re going to do instead.
AlAnon can help you, they’ve got lots of experience helping others in your situation.
https://al-anonuk.org.uk

Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics

Al-Anon Family Groups are for the families & friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength & hope in order to solve their common problems.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk

Original poster
ThatBlueOtter · 23/05/2025 20:40

his primary relationship at this point, is with alcohol and not you or your dc. Anyone who calls their wife a cunt because she didn’t go to the shop to buy alcohol, and then refuse to be a husband or parent as a result has a serious problem with alcohol

His reaction to this would be something like it’s not the fact you wouldn’t go to get the alcohol for me. It’s the fact you were just trying to prove a point and be a nasty piece of work towards me. That’s what the problem is.

He will then go on and insist again that it isn’t the alcohol, it’s the fact I wouldn’t do him a favour and that means I’ve treated him like shit

OP posts:
treesandsun · 23/05/2025 20:42

Most alcoholics, unless they're in recovery do not know admit to be an alcoholic. The way he spoke to you was awful. One thing it does show is that he didn't just want that alcohol he needs the alcohol. Having to walk there and back to get it shows he needs it and he's probably convinced himself asking you to get some isn't s bad. Until he admits he has a problem nothing will change and until he wants to change you will carry the load. You will find things ultimately far less stressful without him.

GameOfJones · 23/05/2025 20:43

But it is the alcohol isn't it? He may try lying to himself and to you but it's clear as day that he's reacted this way because you wouldn't buy him booze.

If my DH ever called me a cunt it would be over. I'm serious. People in loving and respectful relationships don't speak to one another like that.

ZebraPrintt · 23/05/2025 20:47

ThatBlueOtter · 23/05/2025 20:40

his primary relationship at this point, is with alcohol and not you or your dc. Anyone who calls their wife a cunt because she didn’t go to the shop to buy alcohol, and then refuse to be a husband or parent as a result has a serious problem with alcohol

His reaction to this would be something like it’s not the fact you wouldn’t go to get the alcohol for me. It’s the fact you were just trying to prove a point and be a nasty piece of work towards me. That’s what the problem is.

He will then go on and insist again that it isn’t the alcohol, it’s the fact I wouldn’t do him a favour and that means I’ve treated him like shit

Because he doesn't want to admit alcohol is a problem, it's all your fault and it's always going to be turned on you until he realises

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 23/05/2025 20:51

His alcohol consumption is a bit of a side issue really. He is not just an arse, he is also an abusive swine.

You've had your eyes opened really, haven't you?

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