I'm in a very tensed state - sometimes life is quite a lot to take (ADHD)!

[myadhdmoments]

I have a Teams meeting with my colleague shortly. I feel I'm in such an agitated state that if I don't vent it out, I might speak snappily to her - which would be very unwise.

I have a last minute kids party to do. Have two online meetings (each one hour) with work scheduled. I only just sat down trying to work after having attended being trapped in the school assembly for DC since 9am right after school drop-off. I need to run into the shop in-between all these to get the supplies for the party (birthday cake, candles, decorations and party food), as didn't get a chance to organise until today.

Husband just had a small op two days ago and still can't function properly in terms of movements. So he's not going to help with any.

I've been in awkward state with him since late last year (nearly split). Had lots of health related issue with myself for two years and I'm gradually sorting them out all by myself. Husband had healthy issue and I felt obliged (by my own sense of duty) to be supportive all the way, whilst he barely showed any support when I struggled during my healthy concerns. Very bitter.

Then two days ago, I was listening to Podcast about ADHD women's wellbeing. Got hit on my head hearing the prevailed phenomenon of ADHD being married to ASD - almost always according to these two hosts' therapy experiences. I always suspected husband might have ASD, but I always dismissed it by comparing him with the typical stereotype in my mind for ASD. I thought he didn't tick some typical boxes. But once I heard the two hosts experiences, I looked up online again for those things from him that really bothered me - Bang! All hit straight into the lines. He definitely has ASD. So I then suddenly feel : 1. relieved - to know he's not deliberate and I didn't really cause him to treat me the way he did; 2. mournful - will never be able to get the kind of emotional connection or support from him ever.

So with all this still processing, and then he's sitting on the sofa recovering from his surgery, and me running around trying to pull the day together with a party all by myself and having to suppress my panic in front of him as I know he's not capable to offer support and I will just become snappy and he will get upset with me.

So with all these bottled up, I felt I just wanted to cry since this morning - and even in the assembly.

I just started HRT less than two weeks ago and it helped with my mental state dramatically - suicidal previously. But still, all these are just too much even for HRT to wave its magic wand.

Not expecting any response. But I feel I need to write this down and get them out there before I go into my meeting with my colleague so I won't behave/speak inappropriately.

Oh, I hate my work where I've been only six months. My line manager secretly wants me to find another job and he's been driving people at work stay distant from me for this purpose. But I can't find a job elsewhere with all the applications and numerous interviews in the past 5 months!

That's all for now. Need to go and get on to prepare for the meeting!

I am sorry OP that does seem like you have a lot on your plate . I totally empathise with you as there were similar issues with my ex .
I think the lack of support / empathy was one of the main reasons for me why our relationship got really strained . It is soul destroying when you give a lot to the other person when they need your support , but that this is never reciprocated .
You will ultimately end up feeling as you do now , worn down and a lack of self esteem . Essentially you feel you can’t be a great person , if the person who is supposed to love and prioritise you over others continually lets you down .
My relationship ultimately ended over other issues ( cheating on my ex’s part ) and sadly for me one of the most painful things was to realise that he was able to offer empathy / lots of support to other females . The one thing they had in common was that they were all very attractive . This will hopefully not be an issue for your relationship .
My advice is that you need to look after yourself , both your physical and emotional health now . You have to slot in what gives you joy in life , whether that is time by yourself , reading , going out for a walk or meeting a friend . You have to prioritise carving out some time for that straight away as ultimately you will burn out without this .What hobbies / friendships have you maybe let go whilst you were / are prioritising family / home life . Who / what do you miss ?
i also found it very challenging going through peri/ menopause and put off getting HRT . This can be a very challenging time with lack of sleep , aches and brain fog so it is important that you look after yourself . If you don’t look after yourself you will not have the energy going forward to look after others .Magnesium citrate can help with sleeping .

I think for the relationship issues you do need to try and address them now before they fester further . My advice would be to seek couples counselling .If you can afford it also individual counselling would help .
I think it is easy to think my partner can’t do this , because of ASD but I think the main starting point , is that they may not automatically think of your needs and miss things that others might see , but that doesn’t stop them doing the thing to help when they know this needs doing .
i think with ADHD which I suspect I have ( although not diagnosed ) I would usually leave things to the last minute and then be in a frantic mode of trying to get things done . This meant it was really difficult to delegate tasks as it was quicker to just get on and deal with them myself . But this would be overwhelming .
Your DH obviously can’t help at the moment , but when he is physically better he should be able to try and take on some of the load . I can be rubbish at delegating but I think there are lots of things you can do , sit down with him weekly over a coffee / glass of wine and discuss what the week ahead is like and who can do what . Even if you have a shared Google calendar also have a paper one in the kitchen with enough space to write in a few activities . Try and put reminders / activities in straight away and if you do get a msg from school / clubs etc screenshot it asap and send it to your DH too . That way at least you are sharing some of the mental load too and can hopefully share activities etc .
I do find that sometimes I am stressed thinking of what a busy week I have and what needs doing . I then go from that stress to needing downtime and recovering and then have to deal with the next thing , so it can feel like a never ending cycle . By making some time for me the stress does reduce .
take care .

@Candlesburn , thank you for your kind words and sharing your own past. It is hard, isn't it? Knowing he's not capable (or less capable than NT people) doesn't make our life easier or happier. In a sense, at first, it's about acceptance and forgiveness. But then there's so much after passing those moments.

I finally realised that I will be THE ONLY ONE to pull together the weight of organising the house and getting things done - because he probably has "object blindness", severe procrastination and a lack of initiative due to "the ASD inertia". I only just came to these conclusion this week after having been together for 18 years and absolutely hated all.

I also realised that DC1 must have mild ASD along with their diagnosed ADHD. That's why they are not the same way of ADHD like me. After the diagnosis, I was still pondering from time to time why they are so different kind of ADHD than myself - slow processing, verbally struggling, can't understand other people's emotion. Very likely, their ASD side is from their dad. And DC2 (5 years old) seems very likely to have ADHD too, but very much like myself - fast, talkative and sensitive to other's feelings. Once I figured out my husband has ASD, everything is becoming so clear.

So sorry to hear that your ex had cheated on you. Hope you have processed it through and know that it's not your fault and it was just that the time had come to end a relationship which was not working as it was supposed to anyway. Hope you find life easier since then, when you now don't have to work so hard days and years to please someone who can never appreciate or reciprocate.

It's truly sad. I probably won't be too surprised if he finds someone "better than me" in his eyes one day. As you said, they are able to "care" for others except their wife. I don't know if I want to stay in this relationship. I don't have the courage to leave, especially the children are still young. But before I started HRT, I was so sad, so hopeless and so lonely. I was really screaming inside for someone to approve my value, offer me love and give me the meaning of existence. Then, I suddenly saw, I don't have to please anyone, including him, to find love. I can love myself and love who I am, imperfect but with the heart in the right place.

Hope you are able to take good care of yourself more now, without having to carry the weight for your ex.

Thank you for all your suggestion. I'm sure some of them will be helpful. I do need to find time for my own hobbies and making friends (somehow). I also like the idea about planning the coming week together and trying to communicate the shared load. Unfortunately though, we have passed that stage where we could communicate. Last year when we nearly split, I asked him to find couple counselling. He refused firmly - quoting a burnout and nothing will change. That's what drove me into a deep depression for months.

I'm very well organised in terms of planning, but have really spread myself out too much for things related to the household, as he barely shares anything too tired after WFH 4 days a week. I have given up and will just have to carry on with some help from DC1 who's old enough to offer some support.

It sounds depressing. But I guess that's just my life and the project for my self growth in this world - what does'n't break you makes you stronger...