Obsessing about chin and jawline

[wardrobesareblueandpurple]

I inherited a recessed jawline from my dad. The orthodontist tried to fix it with braces but this didn’t work so I was offered jaw surgery on the NHS - this is a big operation, which requires wearing fixed braces for several years and a complex operation which causes quite a lot of pain and a long recovery time.

I didn’t have the most sympathetic orthodontist and the way he presented all of this to me destroyed my confidence in my young teens - telling me I had a flat and unattractive profile and needed a chin implant alongside the surgery (and no, he was no Brad Pitt himself…) I doubt a medical professional would be that blunt now but this was 25 years ago!

I decided against it because it just seemed so drastic, but it destroyed my self-esteem and I spent my teens feeling I was ugly.

As I’ve got older and matured I’ve been able to look at myself a bit more kindly. Since my early twenties I’ve mostly gone through life feeling like I’m relatively attractive but nothing special. Still hate my chin/jaw if I see a photo from the side which I don’t like but I just delete those ones 😂 I think I look ok from the front if not a supermodel. I have other nice features - eyes, hair, figure are all ok etc. People have often described me as pretty/attractive and occasionally even beautiful (men who wanted to sleep with me).

However, there are times when I just completely spiral about this and right now is one of those times. I can’t stop thinking about how unattractive my profile is, wondering if others think I’m ugly, wondering if I should have gone ahead with the surgery and if my life would have been better. I sort of don’t want it, but then I see people online saying they had it and are so much happier, faces are more balanced etc and I feel like I “should” have had it, if that makes sense?

I’m a mum with two kids and a job which doesn’t rely on my appearance and I wish I could switch off from these feelings - I feel so self-indulgent and vain. But I can’t. I’ve spoken to my DH about it and he always says he can’t see an issue and thinks I’m beautiful, which is sweet. I don’t believe others don’t notice it though.

Has anyone had this, or something similar? Any tips on how to move forward, because when I’m in a phase like this it’s a miserable way to live.

Very hard to know what to say. I have had similar experience. I had plastic surgery but my insecurities persist. I inherited my mums nose as did my son. My mum hated her nose and passed this feeling on to me in subtle ways. I loved my mums face. I love my son’s face. I have managed not to pass on this anxiety about our family nose to him. So did you or do you hate your father’s face. You sound attractive to me. Most people have physical traits they dislike. If I was you I would not go for surgery. Having my nose changed did not give me huge confidence about my appearance. These feelings are deep and come from childhood experiences. Not sure if I am helping at all.

Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment.

I recognise the issue when I look at my dad’s face, but I love him and still think he was good looking as a young man. He was married twice before my mum so it clearly wasn’t an issue from that perspective…

I do believe I internalised the message very young that being attractive is important and a key part of your identity (but not sure where from). I also think that this experience at a young age completely destroyed my self esteem at quite a vulnerable time.

I’m sorry that you’ve had surgery but still feel insecure, I think there’s a risk of that with me too. I hope you’re ok.

Weirdly when I look at others I think I’m good at recognising their positive features and am realistic about the fact that few of us are perfect.

I think everyone has at least one insecurity about their appearance. Who says you have to be perfectly beautiful? I think you have to decide whether this is an issue you want to accept or fix. It might help you to go for a new ortho for a consultation, look into other options like fillers and jawline implants and get the pros and cons of fixing them.

Agree with this.

I’ve inherited my mum’s fat underneath chin area can’t quite explain it but it makes me look like I have a double chin and I’m not hugely overweight! I’ve thought about surgery too. I feel it can only go a certain extent to helping with confidence and that inner work needs to take place. That being said, I’m not against surgery or “tweakments” as such.

Though in your case, it sounds like a huge and complex operation with a long recovery time. Therefore, I guess you’d have to weigh up how much it’s worth going through that with the potential that it won’t 100% fix your confidence/self-esteem .x

I think I’ve pretty much ruled out the surgery to be honest.

It’s possible but not a certainty that I’d get it on the NHS - maybe if I was experiencing any physical issues but I’m not. Private costs would be huge.

If I did get it, it would be a long waiting list (years). And I don’t think I’m willing to put myself through everything involved, explaining to friends/family/colleagues why I have got train track braces for years (I already have straight teeth) then taking weeks or even months out to have the operation which would put enormous pressure on my DH and we have two young kids.

Then at the end of all that I’d be close to menopause and I’ve heard that’s not great for your face/jawline so it may all have been a bit of a waste 😂

I guess I need to work through the alternatives, which are:

• put this back in the box and forget about it like I had been doing quite well until recently
• try other less invasive methods to camouflage it e.g. fillers
• focus on making the most of my “good” points like hair and eyes and try and detract attention from it

I think the problem I have is that consultations with dentists or orthodontists tend to make me spiral a bit.

For years I cried when going to the dentist and had to explain I wasn’t in any way nervous or scared of dental treatment, I just associated dentist offices with feeling ugly and deformed.

I probably need some form of therapy! If you met me in real life you wouldn’t have a clue I was thinking all of this - I come across as very well-balanced and not insecure at all.

I had my ears pinned back when I was 10. My parents did the right thing and they are flat to my head, but I never wear my hair up, it changed the shape of them and I’d never show them in any way.
It’s not always a magic fix sadly, and we’re always our harshest critics

Thank you and I’m sorry you have insecurities too.

I think maybe we’re all so used to seeing people strive for perfection these days that we then turn it on ourselves and beat ourselves up for our “flaws”.

Who are you? Why are you on earth?

If the answers are "I am eye fodder for other people" and "For the gratification of others", then I agree that not looking perfect is a problem.

But if the answers are "I am a mother, a daughter, a wife, etc" and "I am here to love, to be loved, to have adventures, to laugh, to achieve things, to grow things..." then I really can't see what your chin has to do with what you want from your life.

It is easier to be of average looks I agree. But it won't actually hinder you to have a 'different' feature if you don't let it. When I think about it I have a friend with a funny shaped lip, and another with hardly any hair. But I don't normally think about it, because they are just ordinary women enjoying their lives.