Is it automatically a red flag if someone has a temper?

[GinBunny]

Just that. It's late and I am tired and this is bothering me. MIL said recently that DP has her temper and I'm finding it hard to move on from the comment. He has told me about how she was towards him, she was physically and emotionally abusive. We've been together for 7 years and what she said triggered a reminder of an incident in our early days where he reacted to something I'd said and it scared me. He didn't shout or hurt me but there was something really unsettling about his reaction. I addressed it at the time and he was apologetic. But that was the only time he's reacted like that and he's generally pretty mild mannered and caring. But her comment has stuck with me and I can't stop wondering what it is she knows about him that I don't. He was married for a long time before we met and by accounts on both sides it did not end well and became pretty toxic. I don't know what to do. Should I ask him what she meant by her comment? We're generally really happy and good together.

One incident in 7 years isn’t bad. But depends what you mean by how he scared you.

Your instinct is bothering you for a reason. Why did he scare you? Was it the intensity of his anger or his inability to restrain himself? If you don't trust him (and you don't) I'm not sure why you would stay.

You've said your DH says she's physically and emotionally abusive, I'd say she's saying it to put that doubt in your mind!
If you had an incident years ago and it was one off in 7 years then I suspect he's not like his mum, you can't hide it for 7 years. He's seen and grown up around her behaviour and recognises it, but been subject to it and perhaps that one incident was a wake up call that he saw his mum in himself, you set a firm boundary and he's recognised that mirroring (normal!) but realised it's not ok or normal so he's grown and moved on without her behaviours affecting his life
Don't let her ruin your / his happiness

My mother said the same about me having my dad's temper when I was a teenager. She was emotionally abusive and he was physically abusive and she would say things like that knowing how afraid I was to end up like him (or her).
I am like neither, a few teenage strops did not compare to the rage of an adult man and I am a very mild adult who has never shouted at my children. She knew just what to say though.
Not saying you're wrong to be wary of there are other red flags, but think about who is saying it and why.

Does he really have her temper or is she projecting? 7 years is a long time to hide a temper. Why are you trusting her assessment of him above your own?

You’ve known him for 7 years. I’d judge his proven behaviour over a comment from someone else, and an abuser at that.

If you have had 7 years with only one concern then I would say ignore MIL.

At 7 yrs I'd base it on his behaviour not hers

My mil barely knows anything about my dh (as in she doesnt know him as a person) and id imagine shes not alone in not actually knowing her adult child.

The only caveat is if you are highly agreeable and you only ever really pushed back or drew the line once and then he blew up and you were scared to do it again.

He couldn’t hide his temper for 7 years, you’d have seen it multiple times and escalate by now.
My DP’s Nan says something similar about him, how he’s got the [Surname] temper in him. He hasn’t, at all, but she sees rough/angry/fighting men as superior. My DP’s soft as fuck 😂
Trust your own judgement on his behaviour and not the judgement of his abusive mother.

I’ve got a temper, OP.
Growing up, I never hit anyone, I met my wonderful best mate in my teens and then DH as a young adult.
I remember my bestie telling me how
my behaviour wasn’t on after I’d done something physical in temper to a wall or an item in the flat we share when I was in a temper. She told me how uncomfortable it made her feel and I never did shit like that again.
I grew up with good people who would tell me how it was in my young adult years and your DH sounds the same.
I’m in my early fifties now and it’s all good. I check myself, I can be a grumpy middle aged woman, but also passionate and enthusiastic.
Your DP sound similar.
Do you think there’s a problem?

OP, if she has a history of being abusive towards her children then the likely explanation is that she is justifying her behaviour by pretending they caused it by being difficult/having a temper and so on...

I would not listen to a woman who behaved in that way.

Your partner might have had issues with his own emotions due to the abuse, which is not uncommon.

I would distance myself from her and encourage your partner to seek some counselling to address the impact his childhood had on him.

Do you think you might have modified your behaviour over the years because of that incident? I'm wondering whether you have been worried about upsetting him and making him angry and so don't present as your true self.

Interesting comments, thank you for sharing. I hadn't considered that she might be projecting. Maybe that's what I was picking up on. I haven't had the best judgement with men and missing red flags so maybe it's drummed into me now to look for them.