Today I have finally run out of steam

[bignosebigfeetbigbum]

DH, 2 DC (14, 16) both SEN. DH & I work FT. I do 99% of everything. DH cooks fresh for us all and does a really good job of this. Other than that, he is happy to get into an unmade bed every day, have overflowing bins that smell/general mess, dirty bathrooms and toilets. I am not. So I clean/tidy/home admin/DC appts (a lot with the SEN)/food shop/DC clothes washing/bath 1 DC inc hairwash and dry/EHCP updates/manage all finances and work FT for which I am usually starting at 7am to WFH. I also walk a lot and do around 40-50 miles a week in the eves, weather and daylight permitting.

This morning I have run out of steam. I have come down to a fully messy kitchen. I've cleaned it, tidied, full dishwasher on, recycling out, I will need to cajole 1 DC to get up for home schooling (online, we don't home-ed ourselves) , this will take an hour and half to get them up with constant running up the stairs to call them, I need to ring the mortgage company for issue we have, get myself to a dentist appt. I am also WFH today.

I have nothing left to give right now. I just want to close my work laptop and shut the world out.

Him 'cooking well' is not enough. You either need to negotiate him taking on further family roles and duties, you pay for outside help like a cleaner, or you divorce.

Whether he's happy to live in filth or not is irrelevant. That would be fine if he lived alone, and only he was bearing the consequences of his own laziness. But he's part of a family, therefore he needs to contribute far more substantially to general household cleanliness than he does. Cooking doesn't magically cancel out all other obligations. DH does all the cooking and grocery shopping here, but still does the bins, recycling, laundry etc.

yes DH doesn't pull his weight as much as he needs to.

I am drowning in everything and on the verge of a breakdown

I am drowning in everything and on the verge of a breakdown

Does he know this? Or is he oblivious?

@BodenCardiganNot I have told him many times. I am making all the decisions for our finances - I am monitoring the bank account for spend/budget/switching suppliers for best costs/avoiding unarranged overdraft fees/planning for saving for upcoming events etc. I am making all DC appts (eye tests/medical/dentist/LA for SEN, haircuts), I am reviewing x2 36 page documents EHCPs for DC, I am washing DC clothes plus all family bedding/towels. I am doing the hoovering/cleaning/tidying. I am in the process of establishing a proper filing system for the household and sorting it all (papers currently shoved everywhere) I am buying my own mothers day cards. I am sorting all close family b'day cards and gifts. I am booking weekly food shops and keeping on top of these for preferred slots. I am doing top up shops in the week. I am taking DC to hobbies (1 is an hour and half drive, each way, once a week). I sort Xmas. I sort DC b'days. I sort Easter. I respond to joint invites from our friends .. and when required I work a second job on top of working FT and doing all the aforementioned.

You have told him and he has not listened / believed you / understood / taken it on board / decided to change / actually changed.

So - you either keep on telling him, which will turn you into a resentful "nag", or you cut back and lower your standards.

monitoring the bank account for spend/budget/switching suppliers for best costs/avoiding unarranged overdraft fees/planning for saving for upcoming events etc.
Cut this out. Put the bills on monthly direct debit, and review once a year or even every two years. Cut back spending so that you won't go overdrawn.

making all DC appts (eye tests/medical/dentist/LA for SEN, haircuts)
Nothing you can do about this, except don't bother with the hair cuts. They will tell you when they start to find their long hair is annoying them.

I am washing DC clothes plus all family bedding/towels.
Think twice about how often you wash outer clothes like jeans and sweatshirts.
Don't wash DH's clothes unless he agrees to do his share of DC's and communal laundry.

I am doing the hoovering/cleaning/tidying.
Cut back to the absolute minimum you can tolerate. If it is still too much, cut back some more and learn how to turn a blind eye.

I am in the process of establishing a proper filing system for the household and sorting it all (papers currently shoved everywhere)
Don't bother. Gather all papers 'shoved everywhere' into one big box. If you need something, search the box.

I am buying my own mothers day cards.
Just why???!!!

I am sorting all close family b'day cards and gifts.
Just do this for the people you actually like, and would be friends with even if they were not related to you.

I am booking weekly food shops and keeping on top of these for preferred slots.
Give it up for a week and wait until DH complains there is no food in the house, especially as he is the one who cooks.

I am doing top up shops in the week.
Ask DH to nip out to the shops for specific things.

I am taking DC to hobbies (1 is an hour and half drive, each way, once a week).
Does the DC absolutely have to do this? Do they really, really love it?

I sort Xmas.
Xmas is as simple or as difficult as you make it. Cut it right back to the bare bones.

I sort DC b'days.
Give them cash, don't bother with a party or social event.

I sort Easter.
Forget it.

I respond to joint invites from our friends
Only do this if you actually like the friends and want to go. Otherwise ignore the invites.

.. and when required I work a second job on top of working FT and doing all the aforementioned.
Stop it. Tell DH you can no longer do it, so the whole family will now be economising and cutting out all extra spending.

OP. I feel the same. Perhaps the difference is that I eventually Divorced my exH: he didn't cook (or so much as make a cup of tea without a massive fanfare). I'm still drowning: 2 x Autistic & SEN young people (21 & 18, no local or family support). I'm still resentful (exH has no contact with YP, his choice) but things are clearer. If you want to keep your marriage he will need to 'step up' hugely. Whether he is able or willing to see & act on what you have written here is the question. Perhaps show him the thread as a starting point to The Conversation? Parenting young people with additional needs is a long hard road: both parents should share the load. If he won't you are no worse off than now but I'd get rid of dead wood, lower standards and do all you can to get yp to help, (as they are able). If you grind to a halt everyone suffers. Best of luck xxx