Treated like a child

[Teenybub]

My in-laws treat me and DP like children. I’ve had enough but don’t want to sour the relationship as they are kind and well meaning, in real life people also see it as them being sweet and them just trying to help but they are driving me up the wall.

Some examples are:
They turn up every couple of weeks with a weekly shop, or cooked meals for us to warm up. When they’ve brought the shop at times we’ve already been so the majority has gone to waste, I’ve questioned them on why they’ve brought it and they will say they were worried we wouldn’t know to do a big shop. DP sees it as their money to waste and they are just trying to help. They don’t eat the same foods as I would choose so even when I’ve not been shopping yet and we use the food it annoys me because it isn’t what I enjoy or would pick.

I am pregnant, they have told me not to breast feed because it is difficult having a baby and they will do the nights for us so formula is easier. I’m not sure how they plan on doing nights when the baby will be home with us and the door locked and chain on but it will be interesting to see them try. DP did interrupt and say we haven’t got a plan yet because we want to decide once the baby is here but we will do whatever I’m happy with, they gave each other a look which felt patronising. They are also bombarding me with outdated advice but I’m not as bothered by that because I think it is quite common.

We are booking a holiday once the baby is here. They have told us 100+ times that the baby will need a passport as though this is brand new information to us. They have got the passport forms and let us know that we aren’t to bother trying because they are complicated so they will complete them - they won’t I will just do it when they arrive and not say anything. We are browsing holidays but not booking yet because we are undecided, they have said they will book it for us so that it is done properly, I’m not sure what part they think we are incapable of doing. DP has brushed it off and said when we find something we will just book and ignore them.

They came round for a bbq and I found MIL organising DPs dirty washing into piles (we have seperate baskets for ease but wash both together) when I asked what she was doing she gave me a full explanation on how you should separate into darks/colours/whites when you wash, I interrupted several times to say I have been doing my own washing for 20 years but she was having none of it.

Before moving out DP wasn’t allowed to do anything around the house his mum did everything for him so I think it stems from that, but we are both self sufficient adults. DP laughs it off but it really annoys me because I take it as them saying we are incapable. We are both intelligent adults in our mid thirties and have the ability to find out information if we don’t know how to do something!

That would do my head in, im not sure I can advice other than your dh having a gentle word. It sounds like they mean well.

Sounds like another case where leaving immigration form for Australia out on the bedside table might be in order...

If that's too passive aggressive - refuse the shopping and the cooked meals and be firm, be very firm next time she riffles through your washing.

Your DP is being too passive - you will both have to get a lot firmer.

That might be why it bothers me so much, nothing they are doing is to be nasty because they are really nice people. They just seem to think we can’t cope with general life, we both have good jobs that we are doing well in, we have a good balance of work/life but they just think we are incapable. I’ve done my own washing for 20 years if not more, I don’t need a lesson on it. We are into eating healthy so we plan balanced meals around our work schedules, I don’t need a delivery of oven chips and chicken burgers.

Sorry I forgot to say - they are not being kind,sweet and well meaning but controlling and suffocating

I wouldn’t have complained if she had at least put the wash on but instead it was just organised into small piles on my bathroom floor.

That sounds incredibly annoying. Your partner needs to tell them to wind their necks in.

My mum didn’t like that I left pots on the draining board (to dry ) and put them away the next day after tea. I came home one evening and she had removed them all and laid them over the hob. It was 5pm and I had three kids to feed, homework and bed. I cried.

This would drive me mad. It's all so condescending. You are allowed to be assertive and challenge all of this. Next time they turn up with a food shop, just take the bags back to their car and say "we don't need or want this". When they suggest that they are going to book your holiday, just look incredulous and remind them that you are both fully grown adults and can deal with this yourself. Stop biting your lip!

You've got to be really firm and tell them to stop. Don't accept the shopping. Tell them you don't want them to sort your laundry, etc.

Maybe you could ask them to do something you would find helpful instead? You're absolutely right about locking the door and putting the chain on!

You have a DH problem. Either he starts supporting you and telling them to back off or you get divorced or you move to Australia.

With the food shopping, say that’s very kind but our fridge and cupboards are full and you will need to take it all to yours.

You’re DH is really going to need to change how he reacts. You say his parents wouldn’t let him do things but this isn’t true, he was happy with the status quo.

You don't want to sour the relationship??

JFC how have you not burried them under a new patio??

No way would I not deal with each thing as it happened, if DH didn't like it, he always has the choice to deal with it himself, BEFORE these things happen.

with the food you coukd be very upfront & say 'we don't eat chicken burgers or oven chips, we cook from scratch with fresh & non processed food (or whatever)'

with the baby, just keep looking at her like she's lost the plot (she has) & tell her you intend to breast feed if you can (if you are?) & that you'll cope like any other new parents-thank you! (Dismissively).

Ill give you an alibi when you need one.

They genuinely are really nice people, suffocating is the correct word. Before they had even met my sister she rung me upset that her car wouldn’t start and that she had to get to an appointment half an hour away, I couldn’t take her because I’d had a drink and before I knew it I was in the passenger seat of their car on our way to drop her off. I don’t want to fall out with them at all because they do care so much.

In regards to DP being happy with the “status quo” when he lived with them, they both retired when he was in his 20s, he would get home from work and his tea on the table, lunch in the fridge, car washed and clean washing in his wardrobe. It wasn’t a case of him not wanting to do it, it was just done. At home he probably does more than me at the moment, I am heavily pregnant though.