GCSE revision and access to tech at nighttime

[Stillwearingskinnies]

So DS is in the throes of GCSEs.
We have always tried to implement rules around access to phone/laptop/PC but it has proven difficult since he bought his own components and built his own PC which is in his bedroom.

We have always taken his phone away at bedtime. We restricted internet access at 10.30pm. Although he was secretly using his phone data. Then we realised he was still on his PC so we took his keyboard away at bedtime.
Then we realised that he was cunningly keeping his PC on and using a keyboard on screen.
Basically we're not that technologically knowledgeable and he really really is.

The problem now is that he wants to revise after we go to bed. He hasn't really revised enough although he still got 8s and 9s in his mocks (he's a bright lad).

He's angry and thinks we should let him have his tech. If we took his tech away, he would read revision books.
Do we just allow him to have his tech unrestricted and let him use it to revise and then he can choose when to go to bed? There's a risk he would go to bed ridiculously late. Or he might piss about watching YT all night.
Or do we take his tech at 10.30 and put up with the accusations that we are responsible for him failing his GCSEs?

Honestly, I’m just letting my dd do it her way. I have learnt after a year or so of shouting/pleading etc that she won’t be ‘forced’ to do anything so getting involved has absolutely no value.

like your son, she will get 8s/9s anyway for the 6 subjects she’s interested in which is plenty for the next level.

she hasn’t done much revision tbh compared to her cohort, but she’s happy, will get good enough grades anyway, and is definitely ready to do the self study which will be required at uni.

because she will (fingers crossed but so far so good) do ok anyway, I’ve decided it’s more important that she learns what works for her.

theres only so much you can force them to do anyway. You can force them to sit down at a table with a book in their hand, but you can’t force them to read the words.

Just to add, DH called me "controlling" and because he can't bear the arguments when we take away DS' phone/laptop/keyboard at night, he thinks we should just let him have it all. DH says hes old enough and he can "make his own mistakes".
I think we might regret it as if he messes up his exams, we will feel an element of responsibility if we didn't take his devices away.
But am I being too controlling?
I don't know what to do for the best

I find this so strange. In two years he will be at uni presumably. Will you be taking his keyboard away then?

Mine have their tech and they turn it off themselves at bedtime.

If it makes any difference, dd probably has adhd, like so many do.
but who’s to say the NT way of revision spread out is better than the last minute all nighters cramming of the adhd-ers.

You're right @arethereanyleftatall
We can't force him to work.
Maybe we've been too harsh already 😕
God it's an absolute minefield

I do think the time for allowing them to learn from their mistakes was during mocks or year 10 exams. Not sure I'd change anything now in the middle of gcses unless you have a long discussion about trust, responsibility etc. But I do agree with your husband.

Well you know your own son best.

but for my dd, the absolute last thing that would help her is me and her having any kind of argument before an exam. Which asking her to do anything would absolutely result in. She’ll just go in to an exam ‘not in the right zen’ (her words) and I’d be blamed that way.

It is a minefield, sorry if I came across as harsh 💐

I absolutely understand @ramonaqueenbeebut DS doesn't self-regulate when it comes to access to the Internet. Hence we have had to have an element of control. And it's not much fun tbh. It causes a lot of rows.

Not harsh, quite fair. I admit we've made mistakes.

It really really is, and I feel the same as you. If she doesn’t get the grades, I will wonder if I was too soft. But. It’s Uk. So we’re ok. So if they fuck it up for arguments sake, then they resit. And they’ll have learnt a valuable lesson for the future.

This seems like a very rigid approach if you don't mind me saying. It's not a healthy boundary to confiscate so much and expect any effective learning to take place from his angry mind. Instead allow him the freedoms of his technology but explain to him that in doing so you are trusting him to make the best choices for himself and your preference as his care giver is that he uses the technology to supplement his studying and limits his non study time to one hour per evening. Also another boundary you could allow him is for him to personally decide when he is tired and to sleep if he studies late. Trust he'll know himself best but only allow this if it doesn't affect your own sleep pattern with noise or lights on through the night. You can but allow him these reasonable freedoms and be there to support him if in making his own choices he's left wanting in the end . he'll be closer to you in future as you placed trust in him when he was a child to make 'grown up' decisions that affect his wellbeing.

I genuinely don't mind you saying @SusanLittle76
I agree it has been a rigid approach, one that we thought was for the best. For him. And for the right reasons. I feel sad and guilty as it has more than likely contributed towards him being a bit dare I say, "creative" with the truth on occasion. He must feel we don't trust him.
I wholeheartedly agree that we should allow him the space and freedom to make his own decisions. And we should have done this earlier.
I've just had a chat with him and he says he won't stay up too late and I will trust him to do that (which i told him)

Can you block some sites at night?
Then he can revise but not faff about on YT and not get any sleep.

I think he's 16 and you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

I would let go at this point and let him find his own way. If he's worked hard the last 2 years, he will do well regardless and if he hasn't, last minute cramming will only get him so far.

I expect the solution is somewhere between your desire to limit his access and his desire to have access all night.

You said that if he doesn't have internet overnight, he'll study from his books. Is that effective for him? If he's someone who struggles to self-regulate, I would be concerned he'd be up all night and then struggle to stay awake for the exam. Mid GCSEs feels like a risky time to completely change your approach, even if he doesn't like it. For some teenagers, having a parent hold their boundaries gives them a security and framework they can work with, even if they don't particularly like it.

Is there a compromise to be had? Remove the phone but work with him to agree a computer off time e.g. midnight. Or Google how to set up your router to disconnect particular devices at midnight and let him know he needs to have finished with the internet by then. Would it work to say you want to support him with his revision etc and want to be sure he gets some sleep so the night before he has an exam, it's internet off at midnight. Say he can have free reign on nights when he doesn't have an exam the next day.

DC1 had huge FOMO and although their phone wasn't removed as such, it was put outside their room at about 10.30pm so they couldn't get involved in long dramas or fretting about the exam for at least a bit of time. When it came to A-levels we stuck to the negotiated agreement which had been that the phone could remain in their room. DC1 had a tricky time with mental health during that period and the constant access to their phone fed the rumination, played havoc with their sleep hygiene and robbed them of the headspace the previous approach had carved out.

DC1 is now an adult and says although they thought the phone thing was mean/unfair etc at the time, they are glad we did it.

I’m posting this to offer solidarity OP as we’re in exactly the same situation (fortunately grumbling rather than arguments for now) and have the same rule for pretty much the same reasons.

We’re not especially strict parents on the whole, but no devices at night is a rule we made and stick to, and which I have no regrets about.

My approach to this would be to discuss why he feels it’s necessary to be cramming overnight (if it was my DS it would be a tactic for more game time, but I wouldn’t be mentioning this). He’s on track for good grades, is there something that can change during the day to make sure he gets the extra revision time he feels he needs? How can we support him during daylight hours? If it was a one-off I’d consider it, but maintaining a healthy routine during stressful times is an important life skill and as @SE13mummy says, not one I’d be compromising on and renegotiating at this point in the exams.