What is grief meant to feel like? I feel nothing at all

[Ankleblisters]

Two weeks ago I lost the person I loved most in all the world, my best friend and the centre of my every moment of every day. Someone whose death I couldn't even bear to imagine because I thought I couldn't survive it.

The death was very sudden and unexpected. I was the one who found the body. My other family members are all in pieces. Everyone else I know is treating me like I'm probably secretly sobbing all day every day.

But I'm working and going about my day like nothing has happened (although my daily routine is totally different and everything is upside down). I feel nothing at all. When I do feel even the most minute little pang of loss it disappears before I can catch hold of it and try to feel it. It's like a very faint echo.

WTF is wrong with me? Am I a psychopath or something?

No. You're traumatised and this is too big to deal with, so your body is working very hard to shut it down and detach from it so that you can continue to function. You're in survival mode.

Whatever you are feeling is ok. It's right. It's where you are right now. Don't try and make sense of it.

So sorry for your loss

@Ankleblisters nothing is wring with you at all. People handle it in their own way.

However, I suspect you are still in shock and have gone into practical function mode.

Be kind to yourself.

It sounds like you are numb with shock. I'm sorry for your loss. Has the funeral taken place yet? When i lost my mum in an accident it wasn't until the day of the funeral that it really hit me. X

Echoing pp, I lost both parents reasonably young and initially just went into shut down mode. You’re 2 weeks in, be kind to yourself and honestly don’t question your emotions - just go with it and deal with them as they come. There is no right way to deal with grief

I expect the full impact will hit you any day now. Be gentle with yourself and I felt sad hearing the news about your best friend. I send hugs to you. I am really sorry for your loss. In time you might need time off to grieve usually your family doctor should be sympathetic.

Sorry for your loss.
In my experience, grief comes in phases. Your body can also go into a shocked phase to protect you as well, which can look and feel like not showing or feeling any grief.

A grief councillor told me that she sees the best results with people if at least 6 months after the loss. As that seems to be how long most people's minds take to comprehend and become open to grief.

Take each day as they come for now, but don't be too surprised if you start feeling overwhelmed at little things of feeling exhausted for no real reason.

You are still in shock. Grief is different for everyone but it will work its way out. It’s a bit soon for that though given the circumstances.

So sorry for your loss.

I just thought the shock would have passed by now and it would have started to sink in and feel like a loss.
I actually feel 'better' than I did in the first few days after it. I felt really sick and shaky for a few days.
Now I feel fine. Normal.
I'm even sleeping well like nothing happened. It's like I've just erased her like she was never even here.
It feels so disloyal not even to cry. I hate myself for it. I loved her so so much and I did everything for her all day every day.

Ahh OP, this is definitely shock. Not only have you lost someone you loved deeply, you had the extreme trauma of finding her. You can’t underestimate how much your brain is in overdrive right now. Sometimes shock is a mercy from nature as it allows you to feel things in increments and not all at once. Just keep doing as you’re doing and in time, you will start to feel and process it.

You loved her, and she'll have known that. How you try to process something this big is unknown territory. The only thing I would say would be to keep an eye out for physical symptoms of stress as this is a lot to go through and might manifest itself in ways you would necessarily expect.

This.
It’s a shock response, you are in shock.
Eventually this will change and it could hit suddenly, do you have people around you who can give you support ?

I was the same after my best friend died it was to hard to cope with so I pretended it didn't happen then I woke up one morning and its like I'd forgot and I went to call her and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Their is no right or wrong and when something so horrific happens your brain will try and protect you from it so don't feel bad you've done nothing wrong.

Op do you want to talk about her ? It’s fine if you don’t. If or when you do, there will be other women here who have lost people they loved dearly, who will try to support you.

I was numb for 5 months after my beloved gran died. There is no normal in grief. So sorry OP for your loss.

You are in shock your brain protects you the best it can. I am so sorry this happened to you. Trust me the grief will come. ABC the awful thing is you won't know when but right now your brain is taking over ensuring you are functioning, eating etc

It's shock I think. I remember similar, thinking there must be something wrong with me that I felt nothing. Later I realised I was behaving oddly in all sorts of little ways because I was just in total shock.

Ohh I remember feeling just like this. It’ll hit you. Sorry but it will happen and then you ll know xx

OP firstly sorry that you are going through this, especially as it is all so sudden.

Grief is whatever you feel. No roadmap, no right way to do it, and no wrong way to do it. Sometimes it will smack you round the face and kick you up the bum, sometimes it is nothing, sometimes it is a suffocating everything. Sometimes tears and snot, sometimes numbness.

There is nothing wrong with you.

My best friend died in 2022 and I have yet to cry/fall apart.

.y stepson died aged 16 last year. I have bot cried or grieved properly yet as I have been hyper focused on dh.

My go to behaviour in times of crisis to to keep going as normal as long as possible. It's to support everyone else.

Someone people just deal with it differently.

Just take care that this is not an autopilot response.

You’re clearly suffering from shock. A very close friend of mine died in March, but it wasn’t a sudden death, but only 9wks from diagnosis to her passing. In that time she was admitted to hospital, then a care home (due to symptoms of brain tumour). So hard to see her like that. It hit me like a ton of bricks when she died, despite keeping a vigil. It’s been tough, but I think I am coming to terms with it. I’m quite stoic, but I did cry a lot, far more than when my dad died. I think because she was only 57 and had a lot of life to live. It also made me consider my own mortality, and fact one day I could lose all my childhood friends, and I don’t know how i’d cope with that. Losing a friend is often under estimated, but when you’ve been through so much with that person, it hurts deeply. Feel how you feel, no pressure to feel a certain way, at a certain time. Grief is deeply personal.

Sorry for your loss.

I agree you’re probably still in shock, but also, not everyone become emotional wrecks when people die. I’ve had relatives die, and I’m upset, and will have tears, but it doesn’t overwhelm me. There’s nothing wrong with this. Everyone grieves differently.

Many years ago, I lost a partner very suddenly. We had lived together for 9 years since we were students. He was only 35. I was numb for around 3 weeks. I was unable to visualise his face for around 4 weeks.

I am sorry for the loss of your friend. Take care of yourself.

OP, when I went to both of my parents’ funerals, I didn’t shed a tear. I remember thinking at the time, as my sisters were crying discreetly and prettily, that the rest of the family would think I was a hard-hearted bitch - but the truth was, I just couldn’t get my head round the fact that they were dead. After my father’s death I thought that nothing in life would ever be secure again, and after my mother’s, a fortnight after her funeral I had a breakdown at work and ended up on ant-depressants for over a year.

It’s only been two weeks, OP, and the grief will come, but perhaps not in a way that you expect. I feel for you, and I hope you find a way to get through it.

i just wanted to add: it’s not disloyal not to cry. We all grieve in our own way.

It hasn't hit you yet, you are still numb, but it will. Your brain is protecting you from the pain, because you couldn't cope with it yet. It is just a stage of grieving, not everyone goes through the same process.